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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to this wedding for this reason? Socially acceptable reason?

141 replies

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:21

A long term but distant friend is getting married in august. Dc will be 8 months. No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP. I really don’t want to leave dc for the day. It will take a long time to get there and travel back so essentially will be gone most of the day. Is this a socially acceptable reason not to go? So far they think I am going as months back I thought I would enjoy it but I just don’t feel able to go anymore, I don’t want to be apart from dc so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
MykonosMaiden · 25/06/2023 23:25

You don't need to give a reason for skipping a wedding. Just RSVP no.

TooBigForMyBoots · 25/06/2023 23:25

I don't get your angst OP. You don't want to go, just decline.

Yeahyeahno · 25/06/2023 23:27

You can not go for whatever reason you want but I do think its a bit odd if you WANT to go but aren’t because you can’t feel can leave your kids

DappledThings · 25/06/2023 23:27

Acceptable to who? To the bride and groom? Nobody can tell you how they will react without knowing them but of course it's fine to turn down any invitation to any wedding. If anyone chooses to have a childfree wedding they run the risk of excluding people with children. That's their choice. Anyone who judges you for it is an idiot.

Talipesmum · 25/06/2023 23:28

It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with. But I have to say my gut reaction is that feeling like you’d miss your child too much to be away for most of a day is a bit wet blanket, sorry! I’d understand better if it was overnight even, and certainly if you were having to leave them with babysitter or similar. But loads of people are back at full time work by 8 months, being away for “most of the day” doesn’t seem like too big an ask for a good friend. So - it’s ok for you to feel that way and ok not to go. But I think you might get criticised for it. But best to get a thick skin about it as someone’s always going to say you’re doing it wrong as a parent!

Spirallingdownwards · 25/06/2023 23:28

You don't need to say why you can't go. Just RSVP sorry I won't be able to attend. Have a lovely day. Will be thinking of you.

FanFanBam · 25/06/2023 23:29

It’s completely fine to decline a wedding invite for whatever reason you want. However, my reading of your post is that you want to go but don’t think you can leave DC with DP - is there a reason for that?

Redglitter · 25/06/2023 23:29

You don't need a reason as pp said just send an RSVP unable to attend. You don't need to justify it

Original poster
umperi · 25/06/2023 23:30

I already said I would go months ago, hence the angst

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 25/06/2023 23:33

I think its going to sound really odd if you say you basically can't bear to be away from your child for the day, especially when he/she will be in the care of their Dad.

NaturalStudy · 25/06/2023 23:34

YABU if you have already RSVPd yes. Leaving your 8 month old for 8 hours is a bit wet blanket in my opinion. Surely you can go and enjoy a bit of time away from DC and DP.

Lefteyetwitch · 25/06/2023 23:35

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:30

I already said I would go months ago, hence the angst

Have you formally RSVP?

Original poster
umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

@Lefteyetwitch yes back in September

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 25/06/2023 23:36

I mean, even if you don’t “enjoy the break” from your child because you miss them, wouldn’t it still be nice to see your old friends? You can miss your child and still enjoy time away, and give them an extra big cuddle when you return. It doesn’t make you a bad mum.

VivaVivaa · 25/06/2023 23:36

It’s a bit poor form to RSVP yes to a wedding then change to a no with presumably 1-2 months to go. But if you are going to change your mind, let them know ASAP as they might be able to invite someone else or reduce their costs. They might be totally cool with your reasoning but equally they might not be. It’s not really a case of it being socially acceptable or otherwise - everyone has different thresholds on what they are comfortable with re: their children.

Wellgoodforyou · 25/06/2023 23:42

Sorry but I think it is rude to now say you are not going. Your child will be ok without you for a few hours ! Surely celebrating someone else’s happiness and meeting friends and having fun will be fun for you.

WonderfulUsername · 25/06/2023 23:49

I suppose it is rude to change your mind but you've got a fairly good reason and it's still only June, so hopefully time for them to replace you.

Not sure what 'socially acceptable' has to do with anything though.

MumApril1990 · 25/06/2023 23:52

@Yeahyeahno how is it odd to not want to leave an 8 month old? I don’t think many people would leave a baby to go to a wedding without them. And if she did go her partner would probably need to stay behind with the baby so she would be on her own? Or they hire a babysitter for an entire day who may not know their baby well?

MumApril1990 · 25/06/2023 23:55

Lots of comments saying to go and what’s the problem but are you breastfeeding OP and will your baby take a bottle? If you’re out for 8 hours you may have to pump a couple of times.

TooBigForMyBoots · 26/06/2023 00:11

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️

You are having to decline this invitation because your DP is going on a stag?

That is not good OP.

toomuchlaundry · 26/06/2023 00:13

Was your DP not invited or has he now agreed to go to a stag do?

MumApril1990 · 26/06/2023 00:13

Just seen your update OP sorry, no I would not feel comfortable leaving an 8
month old with family aside from your partner.

Lucy377 · 26/06/2023 00:21

You do what you like. Say you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby and your DP is away that night too.
Let people think what they like.
Our priorities change when we have a baby. I totally get it.
There will be other weddings when you feel more up to it.

BelleMarionette · 26/06/2023 00:25

How long until the wedding? Nothing wrong with turning down an invite politely, but to RSVP yes and pull out last minute is rude, unless genuine extenuating circumstances.