to not go to this wedding for this reason? Socially acceptable reason?

[umperi]

A long term but distant friend is getting married in august. Dc will be 8 months. No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP. I really don’t want to leave dc for the day. It will take a long time to get there and travel back so essentially will be gone most of the day. Is this a socially acceptable reason not to go? So far they think I am going as months back I thought I would enjoy it but I just don’t feel able to go anymore, I don’t want to be apart from dc so long. AIBU?

Any reason is “socially acceptable” to not attend a wedding. You just respond with the RSVP saying so sorry, you cannot attend.

That isn’t what you have done though, so your thread title is misleading.

I think you should have declined as soon as you realised you would have a newborn. Declining now is poor form.

Sorry, just realised baby not newborn. I still wouldn’t have left my EBF baby to go to a wedding at eight months.

@umperi

oh Op! Just go! Enjoy being you and not just a mum. Catch up with your pals, have a few glasses of Prosecco and let your hair down! I bet you don’t miss your dc at all cos you’re too busy having a good time - and guess what, that doesn’t make you a bad mum, it means you’re human!

I wouldn't have left my dc at 8 months either. I was breastfeeding and still on maternity leave, but even if you're not, if you're not comfortable leaving them, you're not.

Perfectly acceptable. When people specify no children or partners they realise that will mean some declines.

No need for angst.

I think if you hold a wedding that isn't family friendly (not inviting partners and children) then you shouldn't be surprised that people with families find it difficult to attend.

It sounds like you RSVPd to this wedding some time ago, and this is your first baby. You won't have known how you were going to feel about leaving your baby back in September. I don't think YABU.

Whether your friend finds you unreasonable is a different matter. She clearly doesn't have kids, so may not understand.

@UnsolicitedOpinions

lol
why?!

Lol! Well if the OP can’t go to her friend’s actual wedding because her husband is on a stag do and she doesn’t want to leave the baby with someone else, I would have thought it’s pretty obvious why.

@UnsolicitedOpinions

she has already said she can leave the baby with family

I think it's poor form to do a volte face.
And you might enjoy it once you're there.

Erm… what she has said is this:

”Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it”

It’s fine. You have a child you can’t bring, and suddenly you have no child care. So unfortunately you can no longer attend.

This is a general question, when does it get easier than leave a baby as I’m assuming most new mums return to full time work when their DC are around one?

if you feel anxious now, it will just build up and up. Just message the bride now and say your childcare has let you down and you don’t feel comfortable leaving DD with anyone except family. It’s over a month away. She’s probably only just considering finalising the seating plan and venue may not have asked for final numbers yet. Of course you should also offer what it cost her for your place.

If you don't want to go, you don't have to. You can just say you're sorry but your childcare situation has changed (which it has if your DH isn't available and you'd be leaving DC with family - you just don't need to say that bit).

If you've RSVPed yes already they will already be paying for you to go so yes you should go! The time to think this through and say no reasonably was when you sent your RSVP...

Personally RSVPing 'Yes' to a wedding and then pulling out is a no-no for me (obviously barring emergencies etc). The only difference is if you were not aware that it was a childfree wedding when first invited.

If you decide to have a no kids wedding you accept the fact that some of the parents you have invited will not be able to come.
You can decline, you don't need to give a socially acceptable reason to this distant friend, if you don't feel comfortable going to the wedding then you don't have to go. You can feel what you feel about going, they can feel what they feel about you declining.

I wouldn't spend too much longer thinking about it, get in touch with them today and decline and wish them well.

If you were RSVPing now, it would be ok, but you are not, you replied months ago!

I think you have to get your head around why you can't leave an 8 month old for a few hours with family

Each to their own but when are you going to be comfortable?

I think the % of mums who have never left their dc for a few hours by 8 months is minuscule. A large amount would be working and most would have done something socially by now

It's not great that your dc is not learning to spend any time at all apart from you - that level of dependency isn't sustainable

It’s a bit crap to let her down 2 months before because everything will be paid for and she probably won’t speak to you again. However I feel if people have a child free wedding then this is the risk they take. Sometimes a white lie is better and seeing as you don’t see much of her, I would tell her that your family don’t feel comfortable having DC all day and night.

I think your feelings are a little understandable. I didn’t like leaving my babies at that age with anyone other than my partner, because no one else ever looked after them. although my parents did have them a few times they really didn’t find it easy. I think it’s very different leaving a baby if you have a reliable family member who the baby knows well than if you don’t and are leaving them with people that aren’t used to them.

I think I’d find a compromise and got for a short period. Maybe text the bride and say you are having childcare issues, so will attend but leave after the meal.

The wedding is at least a month away, it’s fine to say now that you can’t go. That gives them time to invite someone else. Changing things on the day, or just not turning up, is what’s rude.

You RSVP’d months ago, you thought that you’d be ok leaving your baby by this point, but actually you’re not. That’s fine, it’s very hard to predict how you’ll feel that far in advance. I’d tell them just that. If they’ve chosen a child free wedding, that means some people won’t come, or will plan to but have childcare fall through, etc.

@Saschka I agree with this

It's pretty shabby to accept a wedding invitation, then step down because your DP fancies going to a stag night instead

But, I suspect you've already decided not to go, and posted on here hoping for validation. In that case, I would urge you to let B&G know ASAP, so they can invite someone else (who will realise that they weren't A list guests, which could have been avoided if you'd made a decision earlier)

Don't fake a last minute illness. That's even worse

I didn’t return to FTW until my youngest was 12. I worked evenings and Saturday mornings part time and DH had the DC when I was at work.

If you don't want to go then I agree with PPs to just say your childcare arrangements have let you down and you can no longer attend. There are lots of reasons why parents (or anyone for that matter) might have to drop out last minute. At least now you are giving her notice and she may be able to cancel your space or invite someone else.