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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to this wedding for this reason? Socially acceptable reason?

141 replies

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:21

A long term but distant friend is getting married in august. Dc will be 8 months. No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP. I really don’t want to leave dc for the day. It will take a long time to get there and travel back so essentially will be gone most of the day. Is this a socially acceptable reason not to go? So far they think I am going as months back I thought I would enjoy it but I just don’t feel able to go anymore, I don’t want to be apart from dc so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 26/06/2023 00:30

You don't need a reason to decline a wedding. You just thank them for the invitation and say that you are sorry but you won't be able to attend.

However, YABU to say you are going to go to something, and then withdraw, barring accident or emergency. If you are going to do that, then please do it now and not dither about any longer. But expect the couple not to be impressed. It is bad form to change your mind so close, when you 've already accepted.

Personally, I think you are being a bit daft to not go to a long standing friend's wedding because you don't want to be apart from your child for a day. I mean, from what you've said, you aren't even talking about an overnight stay. Do you not work ?

Plunkplink · 26/06/2023 00:30

Your DH clearly isn’t suffering any angst from leaving your dc with a family member for 8hours, I’d follow his lead.

Saschka · 26/06/2023 00:47

I said you were not being unreasonable, but actually based on your updates I think you are. You have said yes to going, but now your DH has decided to go on a stag do instead and you don’t want to leave your child with your DM? Sorry OP, that is really poor form.

Why did your DH agree to go on a stag do when you already had plans? Why didn’t you tell him he couldn’t go as you were already away and he was needed for childcare?

DreamTheMoors · 26/06/2023 01:09

All sorts of things come up, @umperi- illness, a sudden emergency, things like that.
I’m sure your friends will be disappointed you will not make it to their wedding, but your absence will not crush their day. They’ll soldier on without you lol.
They’ll be very busy with wedding stuff and will not even notice you aren’t there.
The only people important enough to ruin the happy couple’s day are the maid of honour, the best man and the two couple’s families. Nobody else on the guest list ranks high enough to ruin their day unless they cause a drunken scene at the reception.
Be polite, inform them as soon as you possibly can and ignore the people on this thread who are trying to make you feel guilty.

momtoboys · 26/06/2023 01:20

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

@Lefteyetwitch yes back in September

You had to RSVP for a wedding almost a year in advance? That is odd.

saraclara · 26/06/2023 01:23

You RSVPd to say that you're going. So yes, you're being unreasonable to change your mind for a reason like this.

Assuming that your family is competent and able to care for your son, just go.
How far away is this wedding? You don't have to stay for the evening. Just the ceremony and meal after shouldn't be a problem.

MrsMikeDrop · 26/06/2023 04:22

MykonosMaiden · 25/06/2023 23:25

You don't need to give a reason for skipping a wedding. Just RSVP no.

This, no big deal. If you don't want to go, don't. But you could make a weekend of it, stay somewhere close and DH can look after DC while you enjoy it (or get someone else to look after DC and you and DH have fun).

Ragwort · 26/06/2023 05:40

It's very discourteous to drop out of an event once you have accepted ... but just do it straight away if you have to... you didn't need to give a 'reason' just offer your very sincere apologies and regret that you are no longer able to attend the wedding.

And yes, you do sound 'wet' not to be able to leave your DC.

NastySting · 26/06/2023 05:51

I would think you are a bit of a wet lettuce to be honest and you were using your child as an excuse not to go.
Plenty of people leave their children in child care for the day whilst they work (repeat multiple times a week) so one day for a wedding isn't really a huge deal.
Is your child the actual reason you don't want to go or are you just using them as cover for the real reason?

CheshireDing · 26/06/2023 06:00

You said you would go last year. Not fair to the couple if you pull out now

Presumably your DH stag so trip was booked after you have RSVP’d. he should have said he can’t go

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2023 06:17

Yabu to say you’ll go and then decide you don’t really want to anymore. I’d be very unimpressed with this if I were the bride

Twentypastfour · 26/06/2023 06:25

Tell the truth? That a few months ago you assumed you would be able to leave your 8 months old child for the day but now it’s coming around it’s clear you can’t.

I wouldn’t find it at all odd.

Campervangirl · 26/06/2023 06:26

It's another situation where a woman feels like they can't say no / change their minds because of the upset they'll cause to others.
Do it sooner rather than later so they can exclude you from the numbers.
"I'm so sorry DF, I'm not going to be able to attend your wedding as dp is away at a stag do and the family member who initially offered to have DC feels they may not be able to cope all day. I wish you well and I'll be thinking about you on the day and I'll be so sorry to miss your big day"
Expect some kick back as most brides are quite precious about their weddings imo.

veryfluffyfluff · 26/06/2023 06:27

I'd think as you said you'd go and now you are pulling out with at best 2 months you'll need to be completely honest. Say you thought you'd be OK leaving your son but you're having mega anxiety about it so are going to pull out now and hope they can invite someone else in your space. If they have kids they might understand if they don't they might understand or they might think you're being OTT - but that's on them.

veryfluffyfluff · 26/06/2023 06:28

Perhaps ask if final numbers had been confirmed and offer to pay for your food if it had

TenoringBehind · 26/06/2023 06:39

Just say no politely now. Not odd at all to not want to leave an 8mo.

unlikelychump · 26/06/2023 06:45

Under 1s are often allowed at a no children wedding.

I didn't leave mine until they were more like aged 2. I don't think you should feel bad for changing your mind, it sounds like you RSVP d before you even had the baby and knew what it would be like.

Nanaof1 · 26/06/2023 07:17

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

@Lefteyetwitch yes back in September

So, your RSVP'd almost a year before the wedding and before your DC was born? Things can change drastically in 11 months and you had no idea how it would feel to leave your DC for a day.
If you had RSVP'd in May for this August, I'd say you have committed. But 11 months? I'd drop a note with apologies and if you need to, just tell them that leaving your child for that many hours is just not in the cards.

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/06/2023 07:20

MumApril1990 · 25/06/2023 23:52

@Yeahyeahno how is it odd to not want to leave an 8 month old? I don’t think many people would leave a baby to go to a wedding without them. And if she did go her partner would probably need to stay behind with the baby so she would be on her own? Or they hire a babysitter for an entire day who may not know their baby well?

I agree. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for that long.

PuppyMonkey · 26/06/2023 07:27

No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP.

Your DP isn’t allowed to go…?Confused

Anyway, I wouldn’t feel bad OP, anyone who has a no kids wedding has just got to accept that this will often mean people can’t go. Especially with those with babies. Just tell them your childcare has fallen through and you can’t make it now, what a shame etc.

MrsElsa · 26/06/2023 07:28

Just don't go.

"Sorry can't make it, have a great day"

She will live, you not being there isn't going to make or break her wedding!

Sigmama · 26/06/2023 07:30

There are so many threads of women not wanting to leave their young ones for a day of fun. life is for living, find some childcare, your dh doesn't have a problem leaving the kid for a few days, surely you can do a few hours

Zanatdy · 26/06/2023 07:32

If you’re going to drop out do it now as it’s really poor form to say yes and then drop out. It costs a lot of money per guest. Your child will be fine unless you don’t trust family? Why not go to the service and day time and then leave once the speeches are complete?

Soontobe60 · 26/06/2023 07:42

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️

What came first, the wedding invite which you accepted or the stag do invite? Because if you accepted the wedding invite and then DH accepted the stag do invite he’s being a dick and needs to find childcare.
If it was the other way round, then you’re being a dick! Either way, if you’re not going tell the couple asap so they don’t end up paying a lot of money for your meal that you won’t even eat. 2 people didn’t turn up to my DDs wedding - she had already paid the caterers - so their costs were wasted money.

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/06/2023 07:45

Sigmama · 26/06/2023 07:30

There are so many threads of women not wanting to leave their young ones for a day of fun. life is for living, find some childcare, your dh doesn't have a problem leaving the kid for a few days, surely you can do a few hours

Or to look at it another way, babies are only babies for a very short time and you want to spend as much time as possible with them. I would have no problem turning down the wedding invitation it would be less important to me.