to not go to this wedding for this reason? Socially acceptable reason?

[umperi]

A long term but distant friend is getting married in august. Dc will be 8 months. No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP. I really don’t want to leave dc for the day. It will take a long time to get there and travel back so essentially will be gone most of the day. Is this a socially acceptable reason not to go? So far they think I am going as months back I thought I would enjoy it but I just don’t feel able to go anymore, I don’t want to be apart from dc so long. AIBU?

It’s fine if you don’t want to go but I would tell them today because depending on the venue, they will have to give final numbers soon and pay for you in full. We had to do so 8 weeks before our august wedding so it’s possible they have already paid for you.

Also, I have a 6 month old so I’m saying this as someone in the same boat as you, it is important to try and have a little bit of ‘you’ time away from baby. It’ll do you the world of good!

You have a socially acceptable reason - your baby is 8 months old and you can't leave them for that long.

Child-free weddings do my head in.

How old are your DC?

Do you trust the family members they will be with?

Perfectly acceptable OP, I wouldn't have been ready to leave either of mine at that age either (partly breastfeeding related).

Just tell them asap so they don't get stuck paying for your meal, or they can ask someone else in your place. Don't dither.

It is perfectly fine not to be ready to leave your 8 month old baby for a full day. I wouldn't have, and didn't.

I can't believe that they "firm up the numbers" more than a month before the wedding. Heck, the bride asked her for her RSVP 11 months before the wedding and before she had the baby. Anyone inviting people that far in advance should realize that things do change.

OP--just let them know right away. They'll live and won't cancel the wedding because you aren't there. I am a bit taken aback that your DP wasn't even invited. No wonder he found something else to do. That was rude of them.

Have never understood all this angst in scenarios such as these. Just apologise profusely and say your circumstances have changed since you RSVPd and you are no longer able to attend. Given you accepted the invitation last September, it is entirely understandable things have changed for you.

If you initially accepted the invite, and are now declining because facilitating your DP attending a stag do trumps your outing, then it's really poor form.

If your DP was always going to the stag do, and you are now having doubts because of not wanting to leave the baby, then it seems more acceptable.

Only you know what the sequence of events was, but if you're not going to go to the wedding, at least tell them as soon as possible, so they can invite someone else they crossed off the list to accommodate you (there's always someone close who missed the cut).

It doesn't matter if you previously said you'd go prior to the invitations being sent out. Situations change.

that would be an easy 'no' for me.

I was already back at work at 8 months (single parent needed to work) so even more reason to spend the most available time with my baby. Some people are happy leaving a baby that age and some aren't for whatever reason. People are being very judgemental.

Tell them now. Just say that you are now unable to attend and wanted to let them know in good time. Send them really warm best wishes and congratulations.

Yes I was back at work at 9 months and babies in nursery 5 days a week from 10 months, but a wedding felt different for whatever reason - most likely because of missing bedtime. Also, nursery was its own routine and quickly became a happy place for my DC but they hadn't been minded yet by grandparents (who aren't local) by that age so it would've been a full long day and difficult for all concerned if they didn't settle.

I wouldn't have judged anyone who did leave their babies, but I wouldn't have been ready yet. DC1 we left for a wedding at 11 months and it was fine and I enjoyed it but I was nervous about it. I don't think I would have been ready at 8 months. DC2 I probably would have been ready and frankly run for the hills. But my feelings would've been moot with both as neither took a bottle and they weren't established enough with solids and water for me to feel comfortable leaving them that long. When it comes to weaning a couple of months is a very long time.

Have you discussed this with your husband?

Mine would drop a stag in a heartbeat so I could follow through on seeing old friends. It's often harder for mums to keep up with their old friends than for dads in that first year. He would absolutely do this for me if I was happy to leave the baby with him, but not with wider family.

But if you don't want to leave the baby you don't have to. People won't always get it, especially if they don't have their own kids, but many will understand.

At this point they’ve probably paid for you to attend, and sorted seating plans etc
You don’t need to overally explain why you can’t attend now, your reasons are your own and it’s sounds like you would feel uncomfortable going now.
But as it’s short notice I would offer to pay for your place, and send a gift. And be prepared they will probably be upset or annoyed that you are cancelling so many months after you accepted and so close to the wedding.

I don't understand all the people who are responding saying "they don't need a reason why you've declined" "just tell them no and leave it" "bride and groom have no right to be annoyed".
Surely it's basic etiquette and politeness that if you accept a wedding invitation and then change your mind less than 2 months before the date that you at least provide a bit of a reason and a decent apology to the couple hosting you. Plus a card and a good bottle of something/present.

MNers also rude and unnecessarily aggressive when it comes to things like that.

We had a similar situation with a friend who agreed to come on another friends hen party then decided she couldn't leave her one year old baby. Rather than sending an apology and agreeing to make it up to my friend another time, she started getting necessarily aggressive and saying "you don't understand until you have children". Poor Hen friend hadn't even said anything!

I think if you make a decision like that then own it and don't assume the B&G are unreasonable for being disappointed

I think it's fine to very politely and apologetically pull out - it seems like you RSVPd while you were still pregnant? Just say that you're really sorry but you're unable to leave baby even though you had really hoped to attend, and apologise for the late notice and send a card and small gift. I'd be totally fine with that as a bride tbh

I left my eldest all day at 15 months old for a wedding (3 hours away). I wouldn't have done it at 8 months - I was breastfeeding and it just wouldn't have worked. Plus, like you, I would have misssed him terribly at 8 months but by 15 months I was back at work part time.

YABU
You'd said yes.
Dad then shouldn't really have accepted a stag invite if you weren't going to be comfortable leaving a child with family members. It should be him not going on the stag, rather than you not going to the wedding.

If you're feeling like your post suggests (whole world wrapped up in DC), it'd probably also do you a lot of good mentally to get out, have a break and talk to grown ups! You'll probably enjoy it a lot more than you think.
As others have said, its perfectly ok to go to the wedding and miss your DC.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go.

I do think Dad should reconsider his stag attendance though, in order to help you. (Presuming this would make it a lot easier for you to go, knowing your DC is being looked after by Dad)

Wy wasnt dp invited and if he already agreed to look after dc he should have turned down the stag party

OP would you go if your DP was at home to look after your DC?

I'm really surprised by the number of people saying you should just bin it off. What happens if virtually everyone does that for flimsy excuses? They've already committed probably over £100 to you attending because you committed to attending.

You’re perfectly entitled to change your mind. I’d hate to feel I was pressuring someone to leave their baby if it gave them angst. But I don’t like weddings anyway and I’d be peeved to be told I couldn’t bring a babe in arms.

And when did your DP agree to go away for the stag do?

This

Seems a bit odd to me that you can't bear to be apart from your baby for a day but we're all different.
In your situation I think I would probably tell a small lie and say I had a lack of childcare. But if you don't like to tell a small lie, then you will have to be honest (& risk your friend thinking you're being lame) or just decline with no reason given.