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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to this wedding for this reason? Socially acceptable reason?

141 replies

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:21

A long term but distant friend is getting married in august. Dc will be 8 months. No kids are allowed at the wedding or reception and neither is my DP. I really don’t want to leave dc for the day. It will take a long time to get there and travel back so essentially will be gone most of the day. Is this a socially acceptable reason not to go? So far they think I am going as months back I thought I would enjoy it but I just don’t feel able to go anymore, I don’t want to be apart from dc so long. AIBU?

OP posts:
UnsolicitedOpinions · 26/06/2023 07:49

Your DP shouldn’t be going to the stag do.

gogomoto · 26/06/2023 07:52

How close to the wedding. I think yabu because you have already said yes. If the stag do was booked after you replied yes then he's the one who should not be going. Personally I did leave dc with my parents who were more competent than then dh

Rightnowstraightaway · 26/06/2023 08:01

I didn't leave dc all day at that age. They wouldn't take a bottle and were breastfed to sleep. If you don't want to go, decline ASAP and offer to pay for the food. Hopefully they can invite someone else though.

LlynTegid · 26/06/2023 08:17

Politely decline now, it's at least five weeks away. Babies/young children develop at different rates and reasonable to say no in the light of experience.

Mariposista · 26/06/2023 08:19

FanFanBam · 25/06/2023 23:29

It’s completely fine to decline a wedding invite for whatever reason you want. However, my reading of your post is that you want to go but don’t think you can leave DC with DP - is there a reason for that?

This I’m afraid. Dad is an equal parent…

ErmWhatever · 26/06/2023 08:21

It's not weird to not want to be away from your 8 month old for half a day. Just as it's not weird to be happy to leave them.

TheDuck2018 · 26/06/2023 08:24

Why did your DH agree to go on a stag do when you already had plans? Why didn’t you tell him he couldn’t go as you were already away and he was needed for childcare?

why is her DP getting a hard time? She said she accepted ages ago, she was happy to leave her baby with family (and why not?) and her dp has then arranged to go on a stag.
Why is it his fault that op has changed her mind about going? Is he supposed to put his life on hold just so his partner can dither? Typical MN, to shift the blame onto the man!
Yes op, YABU

SchoolShenanigans · 26/06/2023 08:24

YANBU to not want to leave your child.

But YABU to accept an invite then later decline it. You should have thought more about it earlier.

Even so, in this case, I would probably tell a white lie so her feelings aren't hurt. Perhaps LO is sick in the days leading up to the wedding. Or your childcare has pulled out.

Plunkplink · 26/06/2023 08:28

If you leave it late they will lose the £££ they have spent on your place

HairyKitty · 26/06/2023 08:33

Don’t make your children be your excuse. If you don’t want to go just say so.

Phos · 26/06/2023 08:33

If you hadn't already RSVP yes then you could decline, you don't have to give a reason. But it's pretty rude to change your mind now, an 8 month old can be left with family for a day.

MenopauseSucks · 26/06/2023 08:38

If you can't leave your child for the day then don't go. You won't enjoy yourself.

Tell them today that you're not going.
Offer to pay for your food if they can't cancel your place or find someone else.

Southoftheriver32 · 26/06/2023 08:41

You are definitely not being unreasonable. People who don’t have children have no clue. I could never in a million years be away from such a small child for that long.

luckylavender · 26/06/2023 08:45

It's not a summons, it's an invite. Just say no.

drpet49 · 26/06/2023 08:47

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️

Don’t do it OP. I wouldn’t so either. Especially for a distant friend.

Catsmere · 26/06/2023 08:52

Did DP accept the invite to the stag do when he already knew you'd accepted the invite to the wedding? I also wonder why he wasn't invited in the first place ...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/06/2023 08:57

I wouldn’t have left mine at that age, unless it was going to be just for a couple of hours. In any case there was nobody I could have left them with for nearly all day. I don’t think it would be remotely unreasonable to decline - if you feel the need to give a reason, just say ‘childcare’.

WaltzingWaters · 26/06/2023 08:58

had you said no initially it would have been fine. However, it’s very rude to decline now when you RSVP’d months ago unless an emergency has come up. They would have spent a lot of money on your meal and be too late to change numbers. But if you are going to cancel, let them know asap so they can maybe invite someone else in your place. and send a lovely card and present/ or offer to pay for what they’ve spent on you space.

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/06/2023 08:59

SchoolShenanigans · 26/06/2023 08:24

YANBU to not want to leave your child.

But YABU to accept an invite then later decline it. You should have thought more about it earlier.

Even so, in this case, I would probably tell a white lie so her feelings aren't hurt. Perhaps LO is sick in the days leading up to the wedding. Or your childcare has pulled out.

But when you have a baby you don't know how you will feel further down the line. Some people swear motherhood won't change them and then it hits them like a rock, some people are more laid back and there are variations in between. All fine and it's OK to change your mind. A baby is more important than a wedding imo.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 26/06/2023 08:59

Just tell her today that DP is away and family aren't comfortable looking after baby for that length of time.

If your DP wasn't invited it sounds like they were tight on numbers so they will probably be able to fill your place. I know when we got married one of DH's aunts just didn't turn up, she knew in advance she couldn't come but didn't bother telling us. I was fuming because I had a few friends I would have loved to have been there for the full day but we were limited on numbers.

DanceMonster · 26/06/2023 09:00

umperi · 25/06/2023 23:35

Dp is on a stag do so I would be leaving dc with my family. I feel really anxious about it, no particular reason, just don’t want to do it 🤦🏼‍♀️

He doesn’t have the same angst about leaning his baby then?

Lcb123 · 26/06/2023 09:00

I think it’s a bit poor form to decline now, having previously said yes. They will have planned tables, probably confirmed numbers for catering etc. you don’t need a reason, but I can’t see how leaving 8 month with their dad for a day is anything to worry about

Gymmum82 · 26/06/2023 09:06

I think you should make up an excuse. It would have been fine if you’d said back in September that you wouldn’t go because you might not want to leave the baby.
But to turn round now and say that after they will have spent a lot of money on your place at the wedding is poor and I’d think you were a bit wet being unable to leave an 8 month old.
Say something has come up. Be vague. Apologise and send money as a gift. But don’t say it’s because you can’t bear to be apart from your child

FarTooHotForMe · 26/06/2023 09:09

It’s up to you but you’d probably enjoy it if you went.

GAWI · 26/06/2023 09:19

Just tell her today that DP is away and family aren't comfortable looking after baby for that length of time.

Yes do this. Keep it as short and sweet as possible. No lengthy explanations.
It's totally normal to not know when your baby is tiny that they'll still be hard to leave months on.