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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding - newborn

175 replies

Cleo2628 · 25/06/2023 20:37

One of my best childhood friends is getting married next week, my baby will be 3 weeks old.
He is EBF but she has said no children, including him. I’m so sad to miss her wedding, I understand people not wanting children but AIBU to be a bit upset that that includes a 3 week old who is breastfed? I said DH would be on hand to take the baby out of the ceremony if he were to cry etc.
i understand it’s her wedding her choice etc but we’re very close friends and I’m just upset to miss her big day.

OP posts:
Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 25/06/2023 20:39

Yabu to expect a rule to be broken for your dc..
Yanbu to say sorry you won't be there...

TeddySunflowers · 25/06/2023 20:41

Yanbu to decline to go but yabu to be miffed about it. Even if you took the baby out if it cried during the ceremony that's still disruptive.

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 20:41

I think its natural to be upset you'll miss her wedding. You would be unreasonable to make a fuss or complain about it in person - it's her wedding.

Summerishereagain · 25/06/2023 20:44

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 20:41

I think its natural to be upset you'll miss her wedding. You would be unreasonable to make a fuss or complain about it in person - it's her wedding.

I agree.

MRex · 25/06/2023 20:45

YANBU to be annoyed she isn't interested enough in having you there. One of my cousins did similar, so we skipped the wedding, that's just how it is. You'll be busy with the baby and making a load of new mum friends soon anyway, it's natural for you to.start pulling away a bit regardless.

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 20:47

So if she makes the exception for you she will have to make the exception for everyone.

TolkiensFallow · 25/06/2023 20:48

This is sad! Yanbu for not going but I usually find newborns are excluded from the “rules” because it’s not a choice not to leave them so I do think she could have made an exception for you.

Maraudingmarauders · 25/06/2023 20:49

Can your DH stay in a hotel nearby and you pop in and out to feed? I know baby will be super young so unpredictable feeding schedule but even if you just went for the ceremony?

ZekeZeke · 25/06/2023 20:51

You are being unreasonable to expect her to make an exception for you.
She gets to decide the wedding that she wants.
Smile, wish her well and decline the invite.

SittinOnTheDock · 25/06/2023 20:51

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 20:47

So if she makes the exception for you she will have to make the exception for everyone.

Not really, I think most people can distinguish between a tiny baby needing frequent and unpredictable breastfeeds and a twelve year old.

YANBU, OP. I think this kind of exclusion is really mean.

Merryoldgoat · 25/06/2023 20:51

Culturally I just don’t get child free weddings.

In my opinion they’re a celebration of your relationship with your loved ones.

A bit of noise is irrelevant in my experience - it’s all become about pictures and the ‘perfect day’.

I look back on my wedding glad we put our guests’ comfort before everything else.

Knockon · 25/06/2023 20:53

I went to a vrry close friends wedding when dc1 was 3 weeks old. My DM took baby in a pram during the ceremony and then was comfortably ensconced in a local restaurant during the reception. She called me whenever dc1 was awake for me to feed her and then i handed baby back to head back to wedding. It worked really well.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2023 20:53

Merryoldgoat · 25/06/2023 20:51

Culturally I just don’t get child free weddings.

In my opinion they’re a celebration of your relationship with your loved ones.

A bit of noise is irrelevant in my experience - it’s all become about pictures and the ‘perfect day’.

I look back on my wedding glad we put our guests’ comfort before everything else.

Nor me. I love whole family weddings, they are fantastic fun. And thankfully my cultures(s) welcome everyone. So I wouldn't care about missing a CF one.

I wouldn't be miffed though, her loss.

VivaVivaa · 25/06/2023 20:58

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP if she is one of your closest friends. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I saw a newborn at a ‘child free’ wedding. I certainly wouldn’t kick up a fuss at why my 3 yo hadn’t been invited but your DC had would be too busy revelling in toddler free time. At the end of the day they can have whatever rules they want, but I would be really sad too in your position.

Dreamer8 · 25/06/2023 22:57

Could your DH not be close by with your newborn and you can breastfeed when needed? If she doesn't want children there that's her choice.

UsingChangeofName · 25/06/2023 23:03

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 20:41

I think its natural to be upset you'll miss her wedding. You would be unreasonable to make a fuss or complain about it in person - it's her wedding.

This, and, quite frankly, I certainly wouldn't have enjoyed a long day, trying to look all lovely at anyone's wedding 3 weeks post partum anyway.

Of course it is sad to miss the wedding of someone close, but it is just life sometimes. Occasionally you miss a wedding, or you miss a funeral or some other important event, but don't be all MN dramatic over it, just say how sorry you are to miss it and how much you are looking forward to see the photos, then carry on as you were. Smile

Missscarletintheconservatory · 25/06/2023 23:14

The way my baby fed at 3 weeks i wouldn't have gone to a wedding, I hardly put my boobs away at that point.

I'd be sad to miss the wedding but absolutely think it's your friend's prerogative to have a child-free wedding.
I would wish her well and no hard feelings.
I don't think people should expect to bend the rules for newborns, they are still a child. I did go to a wedding with a 4 month old baby but it wasn't child-free and I stayed at the back just outside the room where the ceremony was going on so I could listen but not disrupt. Lots of newborns that I have met can cry very loudly. Not all but I wouldn't risk it at a wedding.
Even at 4 months it was not easy for me as the wedding was in a hot country so the baby needed to feed very often to stay hydrated. If the wedding is soon in hot weather you might find the same.

mewkins · 25/06/2023 23:26

I get it. She's created a rule which excludes you from her wedding. She could quite easily allow you and your baby to attend but has decided not to.

jc12689 · 25/06/2023 23:30

Is it a good idea to take a 3 week old to a wedding even if it wasn't a child free event.?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/06/2023 23:31

YANBU to be upset about her rule, if she is a close friend she should allow breastfeeding babies in arms - these babies clearly can't be left with a babysitter like older children can. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to want you there enough. She might also have assumed your baby would be too young or maybe even not arrived yet- did you speak to her about it?

(Reminds me of a wedding I was invited to when my baby was 12 weeks old, I got pregnant after being invited. I just assumed that my baby would be coming with me 😂😂 I wonder if they did an AIBU post about me! )

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 23:34

SittinOnTheDock · 25/06/2023 20:51

Not really, I think most people can distinguish between a tiny baby needing frequent and unpredictable breastfeeds and a twelve year old.

YANBU, OP. I think this kind of exclusion is really mean.

Show quote history

She might not be the only one with a newborn/small baby.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 23:36

You aren't unreasonable to be upset that you can't go but at the same time, she isn't unreasonable to want a child free wedding.

elenacampana · 25/06/2023 23:38

Merryoldgoat · 25/06/2023 20:51

Culturally I just don’t get child free weddings.

In my opinion they’re a celebration of your relationship with your loved ones.

A bit of noise is irrelevant in my experience - it’s all become about pictures and the ‘perfect day’.

I look back on my wedding glad we put our guests’ comfort before everything else.

It’s just not about the photos though, that kind of argument always gets on my nerves. It’s about cost most of the time, do you have any idea how much the average weddings costs?

I had a mostly child free wedding and I don’t have social media so it wasn’t about having an insta perfect wedding in any way, shape or form.

I’d have allowed a 3 week old baby, but I’m glad I didn’t have to. Where do you draw the line?

jc12689 · 25/06/2023 23:38

Culturally I just don’t get child free weddings.

you don't need to understand it, just respect it

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 25/06/2023 23:39

I think it’s sad your best friend would not make allowances for you - I’d rather have my best friend at my wedding no matter what.
Maybe she doesn’t understand what newborns are like and that you can’t just leave them if they’re breastfed at that early stage.
If she wants a full child free wedding though that’s her choice and if you really want to be at ceremony can hubby just sit outside/take baby for a walk (rather than offer to take baby out).

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