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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding - newborn

175 replies

Cleo2628 · 25/06/2023 20:37

One of my best childhood friends is getting married next week, my baby will be 3 weeks old.
He is EBF but she has said no children, including him. I’m so sad to miss her wedding, I understand people not wanting children but AIBU to be a bit upset that that includes a 3 week old who is breastfed? I said DH would be on hand to take the baby out of the ceremony if he were to cry etc.
i understand it’s her wedding her choice etc but we’re very close friends and I’m just upset to miss her big day.

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 25/06/2023 23:40

You're upset. That's OK. Neither you nor your friend is unreasonable though.Thanks

Lottapianos · 25/06/2023 23:40

'You aren't unreasonable to be upset that you can't go but at the same time, she isn't unreasonable to want a child free wedding.'

Totally agree. I understand how you feel OP, but I completely sympathise with anyone who has a child free wedding. And yes that includes ALL children, including newborns.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 25/06/2023 23:42

elenacampana · 25/06/2023 23:38

It’s just not about the photos though, that kind of argument always gets on my nerves. It’s about cost most of the time, do you have any idea how much the average weddings costs?

I had a mostly child free wedding and I don’t have social media so it wasn’t about having an insta perfect wedding in any way, shape or form.

I’d have allowed a 3 week old baby, but I’m glad I didn’t have to. Where do you draw the line?

Show quote history

So if it’s about cost and a three week old doesn’t cost anything, why were you glad one wasn’t coming to your wedding?

sleepyscientist · 25/06/2023 23:42

We had a child packed wedding, but honestly it would have been the unpredictable newborn I would have wanted to exclude from the ceremony vs the cute toddlers in suits. Can DH not take baby? When is the wedding can you transition to formula feeding from a few days old?

J0S · 25/06/2023 23:49

sleepyscientist · 25/06/2023 23:42

We had a child packed wedding, but honestly it would have been the unpredictable newborn I would have wanted to exclude from the ceremony vs the cute toddlers in suits. Can DH not take baby? When is the wedding can you transition to formula feeding from a few days old?

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP gives up breast feeding her child ie “ translation to formula from a few days old “ so she can go to a wedding? have you the slightest idea how Bf works ?

Do you understand how stressful that woudo be for mother and baby?

Do you know that the way a baby sucks from a bottle is totally different from the way they feed from the breast ? thats why it’s so confusing for a baby to change and many refuse ?

Do you understand that breast milk and formula taste completely different? Often babies hate formula after Bm.

Do you understands all the health benefits to the mother and baby that they would be giving up for her to go to a party for a day?

Missscarletintheconservatory · 25/06/2023 23:51

A wedding is not important enough in my opinion to switch from breastfeeding to formula feeding, nor to start expressing milk and trying to get a 3 week old to take a bottle, if your plan is to exclusively breastfeed.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 25/06/2023 23:55

This makes me sad to read. Of course you’re upset and so unnecessary. My bridesmaid had a baby about 4/5 weeks before my wedding. I remember her crying when she was telling me as she thought I would be annoyed and wouldn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore. I’d like to think it was hormones as opposed to her thinking I was a cow. Anyway, her little boy spent most of the afternoon under the top table in a carry cot. He got taken out to the bar area for speeches and then they left when the music started. It was a great day and I don’t remember him kicking up a fuss at all. I think she’ll regret it one day.

elenacampana · 25/06/2023 23:55

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 25/06/2023 23:42

So if it’s about cost and a three week old doesn’t cost anything, why were you glad one wasn’t coming to your wedding?

Show quote history

I was referring to the reason a lot of people go for a childfree wedding, not this particular baby.

I meant I was glad I didn’t have to make a decision about newborns because no one had a newborn to bring at the time.

MeinKraft · 25/06/2023 23:55

Missscarletintheconservatory · 25/06/2023 23:51

A wedding is not important enough in my opinion to switch from breastfeeding to formula feeding, nor to start expressing milk and trying to get a 3 week old to take a bottle, if your plan is to exclusively breastfeed.

It certainly isn't especially as the bride clearly isn't arsed that her friend can't come.

bringincrazyback · 26/06/2023 00:03

MRex · 25/06/2023 20:45

YANBU to be annoyed she isn't interested enough in having you there. One of my cousins did similar, so we skipped the wedding, that's just how it is. You'll be busy with the baby and making a load of new mum friends soon anyway, it's natural for you to.start pulling away a bit regardless.

Not necessarily. Perhaps OP values her friends for who they are and wouldn't kick someone into touch just because they didn't have children.

Mamai90 · 26/06/2023 00:09

There's a hell of a difference between an older child and a 3 week old breast fed baby. I'd really be looking at my friend differently if my EBF newborn couldn't come with me to the wedding. What exactly does she propose you do?

FanFanBam · 26/06/2023 00:10

We had a childfree wedding but made an exception for a friend who had a one month old baby. He slept through the whole thing!

PinkPlanter · 26/06/2023 00:15

The wedding is child free which means no children. I really don’t understand the angst on MN over child free weddings tbh. You have a child, the wedding is child free, you can’t go as the wedding is child free as you have a newborn who is breastfed, it’s not difficult to understand. Whether the baby is breastfed or formula fed doesn’t matter and I see no reason to put this in the OP as it’s a child free wedding. Why do some parents think when an invite says child free it doesn’t apply to them?

mondaytosunday · 26/06/2023 00:33

I had a child free wedding. None of our friends had newborns. Our two attendants were 5 and 7 and they'd grandmother came to the ceremony then took them home after pictures.
It was a mid afternoon to late evening wedding, formal, at a London venue. Most that were parents were delighted to have an occasion to eat, drink, have a dance without worrying about their kids. Plus we got to invite the people we knew and loved, not 15 or more children I barely knew at all.
I've been to weddings with my children and it's always on my mind: are they bored? Are they tired? Should we leave early? I can't relax.

Betterlatethanontime · 26/06/2023 00:55

Just don’t go. You probably won’t feel like going in the day anyway.

renthead · 26/06/2023 04:19

I think your friend is an idiot. No one considers a newborn a "child" for the purpose of a childfree wedding. A 3 week old baby is barely going to be noticed unless they start crying, and presumably you'll remove them asap if they do. Hopefully she'll realise one day that she's an idiot, but it's her loss that you won't be there.

And "transition to formula feeding" to attend a wedding?? Hmm Jesus.

WandaWonder · 26/06/2023 04:31

You don't decide the exceptions the bride and groom do, there is nothing to stop you going if you chose too

marcopront · 26/06/2023 04:58

Why is your plan for DH to take him if he starts to cry not for DH to have him and you to go to him if needed?

Ragwort · 26/06/2023 05:43

Would you even be able to enjoy the wedding with a three week old ..? I don't get the angst on Mumsnet about weddings.

bjjgirl · 26/06/2023 05:52

You have to try to see it from her point of view- she has put a blanket no children policy so it's fair for everyone.

I wouldn't want a baby to start crying and the fuss of it being taken out during significant moments of the ceremony to be honest.

I definitely would not want toddlers / bored school aged children complaining and costing me money on the day in place of an adult guest.

However my children are teens now so I feel I have clarity on the matter. Get your dh to wait in the car with the baby and see the ceremony of its in a church then just miss the party - you'll have been there then

JamMakingWannaBe · 26/06/2023 05:55

I don't think I left the house in 6 weeks. There would have been no way I'd be getting dressed up for a formal event 3 weeks post partum.

tuvamoodyson · 26/06/2023 06:04

It’s not ‘her loss’ to have the wedding of her choice though is it?

bobblyjob · 26/06/2023 06:07

Was the baby early or has this issue just reared its head?
I think childfree weddings are a bit miserable but I am confused why this is only just coming up now.

Aprilx · 26/06/2023 06:11

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2023 20:53

Nor me. I love whole family weddings, they are fantastic fun. And thankfully my cultures(s) welcome everyone. So I wouldn't care about missing a CF one.

I wouldn't be miffed though, her loss.

Show quote history

I wanted my child relatives at our wedding (we had a nephew and a niece). But no I wouldn’t have wanted a three week old baby of a friend. OP says her DP would be on hand to take baby out of ceremony, why doesn’t he look after baby and not go to ceremony at all. I a sure they could make it work if they wanted to.

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2023 06:13

We had a child free wedding; no exceptions for newborns who also can make a noise/disrupt proceedings so I don’t see why they’re any different. Maybe your mum or husband can help you by looking after the baby while you go to the ceremony op, but nobody is being unreasonable.