Child free wedding - newborn

[Cleo2628]

One of my best childhood friends is getting married next week, my baby will be 3 weeks old.
He is EBF but she has said no children, including him. I’m so sad to miss her wedding, I understand people not wanting children but AIBU to be a bit upset that that includes a 3 week old who is breastfed? I said DH would be on hand to take the baby out of the ceremony if he were to cry etc.
i understand it’s her wedding her choice etc but we’re very close friends and I’m just upset to miss her big day.

Me when I see a thread
about wanting to take a baby/newborn to a child free wedding… 😂

Hide the baby under a shawl, what does gonna do, chuck the baby out?

YANBU to feel sad about missing the wedding of someone you are close to.
YANBU to feel sad that that person doesn't seem to want to compromise so that you can be there.
But practically speaking it probably is the right decision. Your post birth emotions/hormones might be influencing how you are feeling, but if you think about the logistics of taking an exclusively bf 3 week old baby to a wedding, it would probably be something of an endurance feat rather than a relaxing day out.
I thought I was doing pretty well to get clothes on at some point in the day when any of mine were that little. The thought of having to get dressed up, into an outfit I could comfortably breastfeed in but was still smart enough for a wedding, then going to an unfamiliar, probably very over stimulating environment full of people who would want to fuss over the baby wouldn't have appealed to me.
I am a big advocate of breastfeeding and for me one of the really big advantages is how portable it makes baby as you don't need to take so much stuff or worry about keeping formula cold or warming it up etc. And I was never shy about feeding my babies wherever they needed it. Once you get the hang of it feeding out and about is very easy and convenient. But* 3 weeks is very* young. I'd be put off by the frequency that a baby of that age needs feeding, the fact that you're both still learning so it can take a long time to feed and a few attempts to get a good latch, you are likely to still be getting engorged/leaking and it's not uncommon for an ebf baby of that age to do those spectacular explosive bright yellow poos after every feed. I suspect you might end up just doing your regular baby care but just in a different, less convenient and comfortable environment than home and end up with both you and baby over tired and not really enjoying the day.
It's sad that you can't be at your friend's big day, but if you are really close the relationship will survive this blip. Maybe arrange a little treat of some kind for yourself on the day - get a meal delivered or something and enjoy the day in a different way?

'Hide the baby under a shawl, what does gonna do, chuck the baby out?'

Oh sure. Bring some extra family members too, make it a day out. Maybe a few of your neighbours, what the hell. What are they going to do about it??! 🙄

Express as a one off (it can be done) and go to ceremony while DH takes baby. It'll be in and out but at least you'll be there?

I understand why you're upset. I can't imagine being so hung up on having a child free wedding that I was willing to exclude a close friend.

At my wedding there was a 3 week old baby and one 15 month old. (We invited all our friends' kids which would have been about 10 kids in total but the rest chose to leave theirs at home.)

I really wasn't aware that either of them were present, except briefly during the reception when the dad of the 15 month old brought her over because she wanted to see my princess dress, and when I had a quick cuddle with the newborn.

Lottapianos, haha, I was kinda joking, but seriously the bride would be so busy, so wrapped up in the day, I bet she would barely notice - speaking from experience

Yes! It was!

A friend of mine got married recently and had a CF wedding, but 'bent the rules' for another friend (who I didn't know) who had a newborn, having assured her it would be no bother.

(NB - newly-married friend and I are both CFBC and in our early 40s with no real experience of children, so as not to drip-feed.)

The 'no bother' was a fucking MASSIVE bother - my OH was an usher and he was running around like a blue-arsed fly ten minutes before the ceremony to accommodate the chilled couple, who had failed to mention they'd be turning up with a pram the size of a Sherman tank and enough bags and accoutrements to run a first-world country for a week, thereby requiring the set-up of the small room (initially laid out to accommodate 20 adults) to be rearranged.

The BF mother then asked for her meal to be changed from omni to vegan (there were no other vegans attending, just a couple of veggies) as the baby was colicky and she had cut all dairy etc from her diet. The venue did a good job in the circumstances, but she then complained that her meal wasn't as good as everybody else's.

They then made a massive fuss at the (small and not exactly Vegas-esque) reception, as the little corner my friend had set up for them was apparently 'too brightly lit'.

Ironically, the two-month-old sprog was pretty good, all things considered.

She’s hardly losing out though…good friend or not, she isn’t making an exception for her! It’s her choice and it would appear she’s happy with it.

I would go to the ceremony, leaving DH v close by with the baby. Assuming you're BF, give baby a big feed and DH can walk them around in the pram for an hour. Then home for tea and medals.

She can invite whoever she wants to her wedding, and exclude whoever she wants. She could decide she hates her own parents because the sky is cloudy. Her party, her right. However, she doesn't get to feel hurt by people's reactions off the back of it.

If her excluding your baby means you can't go, then you don't go. If she accepts you're not there without problem, fine. If she got pissy with you for not going then she is being an ass.

If that exclusion makes you question the friendship and you decided to distance yourself then she can feel as hurt by it as you feel through not being able to go, but nothing she can do about it the same as you can't do anything about your baby not being invited.

People need to understand they can do whatever they want, but they have no control over other peoples response.

You could also argue that part of being a good friend is graciously accepting the way they chose to do their own wedding

Yes, I get where you’re coming from as well. Anecdotally I also know someone, whose baby didn’t latch on for 2 months. She pumped until he was able to and it worked out ok. I’m also imagining you pumped regularly? And didn’t miss part of the schedule as you were in hospital. I’m glad you and your baby are doing ok btw. At 6 weeks I naively thought I could just give dd a bottle and miss the feed as I was out. Big mistake. By the time I returned, my breasts were agony and I was covered in stretch marks. This is where I’m coming from. Both a supply and a pain issue.

Yes, I've got 4 and what works for one won't work for another even with the same parents doing exactly the same thing. I had two who were hard to latch on at first and two who would have happily breast fed 24/7 from the minute they were born and could have taught a midwife a thing or two about how to latch a baby on, they were experts from day one.

When she has DC she will realise how much of a dick she's been.
She's not your friend - she's a bridezilla.
Honestly who seriously minds a newborn at a wedding? They will be asleep for most of it, being walked around outside by DH or breastfeeding somewhere quiet with you.
At least you don't have to fork out for an outfit, hotel or wedding gift. And when the wedding takes place you just enjoy your newborn snuggles in your PJs whilst watching Netflix

@ninjafoodienovice but surely that’s the point though when she has kids she’ll be on the other side of the equation- most people being outraged on mumsnet and calling the bride a “bridezilla”🙄 are people who can’t imagine their own little cherubs not being invited as well.

people want whatever benefits them! As for saying if it cries her DH will take it out misses the point- at that point it will have already caused a disruption

'When she has DC she will realise how much of a dick she's been'

Of course, because everyone has children eventually and mothers are superior to non-mothers in every way 🙄 there's more of this than usual around on MN at the moment

I was childfree when I had my (mostly) childfree wedding. I’m not childfree anymore, but I’d still have a (mostly) childfree wedding.

We don’t all become super child friendly people when we have kids.

But what exceptions would you make? What does the mostly exclude?

What business is that of yours?

I was interested. 😅😅😅

I'd still have a (totally) child free wedding too.

Not everyone suddenly changes their mind when they have children.

No we don’t, do we?!

Just like we don’t choose to have adult events because we’re bridezillas who’re obsessed with Instagram.

People can have whatever wedding they want but their close friends are allowed to be disappointed that they can't attend. Neither is unreasonable. Some posts come across that daring to want to go to a friend's wedding is the height of cheek.