Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

I think there are two things here. The first is that there is much better regulation of garden products now compared with the past. Things have to have a very low risk level before they can be sold for domestic use. The second is that I have to say that I would have stuck to watering if you had come to see me with your young children and put the plant food on later on on my own. It only needs to be used once or twice a week in the growing season. Actually, when it's very hot, you should only water early in the morning to avoid scorching the leaves. I admire you for making it clear you don't agree with her racism.

I often gardened with children. I would not freak out if a child was splashed, but I would be annoyed mil didn't use more common sense.

Hmm. Potentially shrinking a t shirt Vs potentially giving a 3 year old chemical burns.

For the sake of argument though, if the t shirt was the most precious thing in the world to you, would you take the risk and machine wash it?

Yanbu. There's warnings on the packet. They're there for a reason. And furthermore, your child, your call.

Diluted plant food is harmless. It's basically just a small amount of minerals in a large amount of water.
The warning on the pack is for the undiluted liquid, powder or crystals before dilution.
This is your ocd talking.

Rather flippant about something that could cause chemical burns. There's a manufacturers warning for a reason.

YANBU - many, many plant feeds can do nasty stuff to your skin and be quite toxic, Especially for little ones. There is a reason they are literally plastered in warnings.

Yes I'm with the OP, she's not mad you don't leave this stuff around kids and get their hands on it. I'm not OCD, not even close.

Well said.

YANBU. I would feel the same way. The warnings on the box aren't there for no reason. However small the risk, when it comes to my children, I would always err on the side of caution.

So she’s a racist cunt. Please don’t give her the time of the day and don’t expose your children to her.

"she thinks I’m a weak snowflake, she also enjoys saying very racist things in front of me because she knows I disapprove but don’t want to argue."
She's a disgusting person in that case! Eff her.

What a weird thing to do, and even more weird how many people suggest getting a toddler to mix up and handle plant food is fine. I'm sure he'll be fine, but plant food isn't designed for human consumption and shouldn't be handled by young children hence the warnings. At best your MIL is a carefree brainless idiot and needs to read the packaging before engaging in charmingly reckless dumbass activities with her grandkids, but from how you've described it the darker and fairly believable angle is that she enjoys baiting you and watching your hubby be too weak to stand up to her and both of those are what's made you super angry, not the plant food per se and not OCD. The OCD angle just makes it harder for you to be sure of your response.

Normal grandparent activity: watering plants together. Not normal: mixing potent fertiliser as a joint activity and watering your grandchild's hands with miracle gro the moment mums out the way and whatever the fuck ruffling flowers is supposed to be.

For the record, I think miracle gro is awesome,in case anyone wants to send me a free sample 😀 but I won't let the grandbaby mix it with me

OP you are not in the wrong, your reaction was fine, maybe a bit upset because MIL is usually an arsehole anyway - clearly she has form.

My DD has severe OCD and is housebound; the backlash on here as you mentioned you had OCD is frightening; so on MN because your declare a MH condition it follows that you must be an idiot?

That’s terrible. Make a distance from this nasty person. Tell her that her racism is unacceptable and therefore she’s not part of yours and your kids lives anymore.

So many triggered MILs on this thread 😉

I’m with you OP. You were not unreasonable at all.
In fact it’s highly commendable you managed to leave without a fight. I would have probably caused a massive scene 😆

Also I had to stop reading the responses as I was cringing at the amount of OCD shaming. A little bit of compassion and empathy seems to be hard to find these days!

if you weren’t happy with it, ocd or not, I think you could have said that. Washed the dc hands and gone back outside asking mil “water only please”.
the panic will cause the problems, just say no if you’re not sure and Google the plant feed thing for next time.

You can make light of it if you want, but you owe your DP an apology. Its not fair to cut short a visit to his mums and then spend the afternoon 'livid' with him.
I hope you're getting professional help - I know a person with OCD and until they got help, it really did affect her quality of life massively.

So, she's racist and your partner doesn't stand up to her?

Sod that.

@Freyawiththeblondehair I would have reacted in the same way, but I have huge anxiety over this sort of thing. I completely understand why you feel as you do. I’ve read so many responses to your post with people saying it’s fine, and rationally I know the chances of that harming your dc are absolutely minimal to non existent especially as his hands were washed, however, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that he wouldn’t be around chemicals when pottering in the garden with his Grandma. Whilst I know I have anxiety, I also know it’s sensible not to have a child around a chemical… what’s the point to it? Just be safe rather than sorry and don’t do it? That’s my view. But, the issue is, as you can see, is that the vast majority of people do not think like that. I don’t know the answer because I too panic about these things but one thing I would say is try not to be angry with your partner. He is more relaxed about this and that’s ok too. Solidarity, though! I know how you feel.

Quite ! When you shove something in the washing machine that says dry clean only you take a risk that it might get ruined . That’s not a risk I would be happy taking with my DC delicate skin . However I think the racist remarks are just as damaging OP, I hope she’s not voicing her vile opinions in front of your 3 yr old !

YANBU. Another gardener here, I always use gloves for this sort of thing and would never allow a child to have contact with a feed solution.

Your poor dc……your OCD if not treated, will cause more damage to the dc than the plant mix. It’s awful growing up in an household where this sort of behaviour is the norm. It can cause long term anxiety which they will take into adulthood.

I would not have been a bit happy about this. Yes, your DS will probably be ok, but it is the negligence and sly undermining behaviour that would seriously piss me off. And to top it all off, to have your DH undermine you further by not supporting you.

Do you really need to be in MIL's company? How often to you see her?

Your OCD has made you read the risk wrong, so yes, you were unreasonable to be livid and leave
However, your DH and MIL need to educate themselves around how your condition may cause you distress and be a bit more supportive rather than dismissive.