Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

I feel that granny was careless
and thoughtless and who knows, next time could easily leave out slug pellets etc yanbu

MIL obviously shouldn’t have got her grandchild involved in the plant food business but do you really think it was malicious? What grandma would deliberately want to hurt her grandchild? I think it was more likely stupidity on her part. Your child is fine but speaking as a child of an OCD parent I can tell you now they most definitely won’t be unless you get your OCD under control. I am one of 3 siblings and we all have had issues with anxiety and trying to undo learnt behaviour. Living with someone with OCD is far more damaging to a child than a splash of miracle gro. Take care and don’t obsess over this incident and please don’t let this damage your child’s relationships with their grandma.

I agree with you OP. Kids that age are always putting their hands in their mouth - it has a warning for a reason.

I'd be annoyed about this too. Those chemicals are toxic, it's not worth the risk

I don’t have OCD and would be really annoyed in your shoes. If the box says to wear gloves and goggles it’s not safe for a little kid to touch.

Massive over reaction. Just wash his hands afterwards.

Plant food is made of many different substances. Some are toxic to people, like those containing ammonia.. Some contain high levels of bacteria. 'Organic' doesn't mean harmless and not all are organic anyway.

They are not supposed to get on skin and not to be touched or splashed on children.

I think MIL is the one BU hear. I dont know what the stuff is, but if it says wear gloves and goggles, it cant be anythig suitable for being around children.

This ^

And FFS to all the sneery posters patronisingly telling OP to “get help” for her OCD, try reading her posts again. This. Time. Slowly.
If that’s too taxing, let me tell you: she’s already getting help.

I don’t have OCD (my daughter does though, so badly she’s medicated for it) but I would be furious if a toddler of mine was being covered in plant food and getting it all over their hands. Hands go into mouths, rub eyes, may have small wounds on them… this would most likely not be deadly, but could make a small child very sick or cause serious irritation.

Cant believe some posters are telling OP to apologise!

I don’t think she wants to harm her grandchildren however I do think she gets a bit of a thrill from doing things she knows I disapprove of because she thinks I’m a weak snowflake, she also enjoys saying very racist things in front of me because she knows I disapprove but don’t want to argue. She just says it then enjoys watching me squirm and silently seethe.

Mil is stupid and neglectful. I bet she's the type who doesn't see the point of car seats either. She would rather get one over on you than look after a child properly. I'm the least safety conscious parent but I think you need to supervise her constantly until your children are much older.

Plant food is an irritant chemical. Saying that you can wash your hands afterwards completely misses the point. It's better to avoid the risk in the first place.

Plus who has a stash of 3 year old sized waterproof gardening gloves to just "pop on"?

You really need to seek appropriate help before your issues damage those around you

Well then with this new information...I think you have your answer. She enjoys pushing your buttons in a way which could fly under the radar normally but just enough to get under your skin. My MIL does that, well did! If it is that, it will get worse until it's noticeable to your DH. She does little sly digs and things to try to get me to blow my top so she can play victim. It's a bit like reactive abuse, a manipulation tactic. Not sure why but I think it's a form of entertainment. Don't feed the drama llamas.

YANBU

People thinking that you are, clearly do not care about chemical burns. Miracle Grow (that you think it was), has a clear warning on the bottle to wear gloves and wash off splashes. Children's skin is also more sensitive than adult skin.

You were absolutely right to remove your child from that situation and wash it off. Your MIL was careless. It's lucky that no burns occurred. It could have splashed his eyes or in his mouth, that's just not acceptable.

You are not overreacting, I'd have been furious too. I have a skin condition myself and my skin burns just using commercial hand soap so I'm well aware on the importance of protecting skin.

Hi OP you sound like a lovely caring mum, i think you should argue with racist comments just as much, this language is just as poisonous.

In terms of the racist comments you can ignore her, just speak to your Child and disagree through them. (Hard to give an example).

Agreed. I doubt once will cause any massive harm but it would irritate me that she’s obviously not very careful.

I can't believe that posters are saying it's you and not her. The safety advice is there for a reason.

YANBU, especially given the info on the packet

First child, huh? It's plant food, not polonium. He'll be fine.

I think you need to change your approach. Start standing up for yourself and your principles. In the case of the plant food, once you've washed your child's hands, show her the box and explain that it's a toxic chemicals should be kept away from children. Stay calm and polite, look her in the eye, and stick to the facts. Do the same with the racist comments. People like that are used to others being too polite to say anything.

the goggles and gloves warning could well be like the "dry clean only" labels you occasionally get on a plain T shirt or similar.
Sounds like a massive over reaction

^ this

Btw all of you condescendingly telling the OP to get help, she says in her third post that she already is. It's a very hard condition to treat, it's essentially a neurological malfunction, so maybe less of the scolding her like she has a moral failing.

And that's leaving aside the fact that she's actually not been unreasonable in this instance.

oh Freyawitheblondehair, I've* *quickly read the whole thread and i think that you reacted in a completely rational way to the incident at your MIL's.
Ignore the posters who say that your OCD will damage your children's mental health. Have they never suffered from depression etc ?
I always say: walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them! You're receiving help for your condition, your Mum-in-Law sounds very lax and carefree around chemicals and she says racist things in front of you! Just remind yourself it's your mil's behaviour that is strange and you had a perfectly rational reaction to the situation at her house.