Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

My DD has severe OCD and is housebound; the backlash on here as you mentioned you had OCD is frightening; so on MN because your declare a MH condition it follows that you must be an idiot?

Indeed.
I mentioned my DD earlier. OCD can be do debilitating. So horrific the attitudes on here towards people with OCD. My daughter's is a comorbidity with autism. She was born with it; she's ND, she'll never get better.

More annoying are the idiots parroting "get help" and "you're going to ruin your child's life".
Once again.. OP IS ALREADY GETTING HELP!

Surprised at the YABUs. If anything said on a box not to get on bare skin, and then someone poured it over a child’s hands, I think I would be pretty pissed off. I mean who does that? Sure, blowing cigarette smoke in their face just once wouldn’t kill them but nobody would do that.

heOrigRights · Today 23:05
So, she's racist and your partner doesn't stand up to her?

This!

You need to have a serious chat with DH and decide on a strategy for the next time she says something racist. You’ve can’t let you DC think it’s ok!
My MIL is similar and both dh and I would say “MIL that is a racist comment, we don’t say things like that”. When the Dc were a bit older we’d also have conversations with them on the way home from visiting her, about things she’d said and make sure the Dc knew they were unacceptable.

This. I’m in the YANBU camp.
Yes you can use things on plants, but a lot of them say don’t eat for 2 weeks after last use.

It said on the box to wear gloves and goggles when using it, and not to use around children. And not to get it on bare skin.

Then YANBU

Based on this, I can definitely see your concern but it also sounds like a low risk activity that your MIL wouldn't have given a second thought about. I think that perhaps you and your DH need to have a conversation with your MIL about boundaries and trust. You need to know that your children are safe in your MIL's care.

You’re not unreasonable, that’s a chemical to not touch. But keep in mind MIL didn’t intend anything bad. I’d ask her politely to not use that next time and if she does after you asked her not to then that’s justified to maybe avoid her backyard or whatever, because she directly did something you asked her not to. However most people don’t have common sense and you can’t expect them to know what you don’t want your kids to touch before you tell them, unfortunately. Getting mad won’t get you anywhere, really anywhere in life. They’ll live!! Sending love ❤️

You shouldn't have mentioned your OCD OP or the fact that it was your mil. As you see, posters will pounce and tell you that honestly, course it's ok to not only normalise handling chemicals to a 3 year old but get it all over their hands too! I mean even the most stupid person could probably think of a better activity to do with a bloody 3 year old. Probably best not to let her babysit 😬

YANBU there are warnings all over the packets.

Weirdly lax parenting from some on here.

@Freyawiththeblondehair I know this isn’t the central question of your OP but if you are having treatment for OCD you might find this CBT based book helpful - I recommend it to all the people I treat. https://blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/Break-Free-from-OCD-by-Fiona-Challacombe-Victoria-Bream-Oldfield-Paul-M-Salkovskis/9780091939694

I have OCD with contamination and mostly chemical stuff.
My gardener uses weed killer - gets it on his hands and then eats lunch. He's still alive but its not for me!
I am sure your son is fine - but I think you should have included in your OP what it said on the packet about gloves / googles.
OCD or no OCD - reading the packet as a mum its makes sense you were concerned and seeking a second opinion.
Personally, as someone with OCD who like you knows I can be oversensitive to these things....we do need to seek guidelines from others (like you have done) to help us work out what is sensible.
But I also don't think following the manufacturing guidelines makes you or me over the top....

She sounds awful. I’m sorry.

If someone in my family was openly racist around me I would be using that as a very good reason not to spend time with that person again.

Hmm if I was a MIL and my lovely DIL had OCD around chemicals would I help her small children spray chemicals about? Being completely honest, only if I wanted to be an asshole. Why wouldn't she have just mucked about with water?

Oh wait just read the racist post. So she clearly did the chemical thing on purpose just as she says racist shite on purpose to upset you. OP I would be having a hard word with your DH and telling him this stops, else you won't be seeing her again. She's revolting.

without knowing the product and actual details of safety warnings i think it's impossible to say whether yabu or not. this information is crucial to the decision making all round. if it says goggles, gloves and no children once diluted then yanbu at all and the comments to the contrary have no doubt missed this information. but also that doesn't sound like plant feed, more like weed killer. if it really was unsuitable even when diluted then your dh should be having a word and not just shrugging it off.

I don’t think YBU. Because there’s a bigger issue here.
I do think you need support around your OCD (glad to read you are) but you partner should be supporting you too. And that would include things like this..
well done for not kicking off at MiL (I probably would have lol) but you partner could’ve stepped in and supported the situation before you saw it really.

Yes as others have said be careful not to impact your kids around your ocd - I have a mom that’s always been ocd but I understand her and haven’t necessarily been ill -affected by it. In fact I try so hard to help her in whatever way she needs.

hope you find some relief from what is a very difficult thing to deal with

ps- you’re a fab mom. I don’t think you should let these posts make you feel otherwise. You do what you do because you care and worry.

Ok. Just read this.
you’re mil is a piece of work.

YANBU for the second time.

weaponising your children to make you suffer. Not acceptable
time for your partner to step up or you limit time with MIL.

good luck. sending love

Yanbu! The ignorance on this thread is breathtaking.

I immediately reckoned your MIL was looking to goad you into a reaction, and was deliberately putting your dc in danger to do it. Because who sees a toddler happily watering plants and thinks: let's add a dangerous plant food! It's insane.

As to everything being poured on plants being just fine for human consumption - are people really this stupid?

Your MIL added a substance to the water for no reason, one that could put your dc at risk, and also left the box where the toddler could reach it.

Your OCD has nothing to do with this. Any sensible person would have taken action.

I work in chemical development in a related industry and I would also be very careful getting that stuff on my hands.

OP, I suffer from OCD and anxiety so I do feel your pain. BUT, at times like this, you need to realise that this is your OCD talking and not reality. You also need to realise that other people can NOT change their behaviour to satisfy your OCD. That wouldn’t help you and it wouldn’t be fair on them. Lastly, as a mother with OCD it’s really important to try really hard to control yourself around your children and not be so obviously anxious and panicky around them. My mum was like this around me and I think that’s partly why I suffer from the often crippling anxiety that I face today. Be thankful that you didn’t kick up a fuss.

It’s my OCD that I didn’t want plant food sprayed on my small child’s hands even though the box says not to use near children or get it on bare skin?

Is it normal for parents to ignore instructions on chemicals and cleaning products and let kids get stuck in regardless?

Because nobody I know does that. And the posters with professional insight as to this product say I’m not being unreasonable and that they wouldn’t want it on their skin.

I write health and safety training for the leisure industry and we give clear instructions that you should wear PPE for chemicals far less offensive than plant food.

@Freyawiththeblondehair I’ve looked up the safety data sheet (msds) for miracle gro soluble plant food, and it appears to be rated as having no known hazards, so your child will be fine.

That said, all that really means is that there haven’t been any documented effects (short or long term) from the ingredients, and where children are concerned (who have smaller and more delicate, growing bodies) I don’t think you can be too careful.

having said that, I did get into an entrenched battle with our nursery many years ago as they installed ones of those harsh automatic air fresheners in the baby room. You know, the ones meant for public loos rather than spaces you spend the whole day. My child developed red eyes and asthma whilst it was installed, and it was out there because the staff were too lazy to regularly empty the nappy bin! Once that was done daily the need for the air freshener went.

Why are so many people so hostile and unpleasant at the mention of OCD? It's a serious and really hard to treat neurological condition. Why would you want to berate someone already suffering, and particurly why would you not bother to read the OPs posts where she does specify that she's getting help?

having said that, I did get into an entrenched battle with our nursery many years ago as they installed ones of those harsh automatic air fresheners in the baby room

That is absolutely appalling! Not only a respiratory irritant but an endocrine disruptor, what a perfect addition to a baby room.