Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

If it was my child I would have got him to wash his hands after. I would also (especially if it was a hot day like today) possibly felt mild irritation. But I wouldn't have panicked. I am more careful about this stuff because I suffered from prickly heat a lot as a child so know how uncomfortable irritated skin can be. but I wouldn't be panicking.

Do you think she did it deliberately when you weren't there?

And I would be cross too. Follow the bloody instructions on the pack when it involves someone else.

if the instructions say that - I ask her why she didn’t read the instructions.
then don’t take them back they can come to you

i don’t use chemicals around my kids

Am really surprised at all the pp saying that MIL behaviour is fine and that OP is in the wrong.

I would be pretty pissed off and concerned if someone was using chemical plant feed around my toddler and leaving the blimming box open on the floor. I mean it’s pretty bloody lax. I love gardening and my Lo helps me to water plants and to plant seeds and gather leaves and all sorts but chemicals is a total No.

OP , I think YANBU at all

To be fair I’d be a bit concerned too, I don’t think you’re over reacting as some of this is toxic

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have unsteady feelings around my MIL and I can struggle with how to process how she is with my kid sometimes. I would prefer someone to ask me if it would be OK to use a product with my child especially if it had safety precautions on the box (watered down or not), and you were there to be consulted as well. If she knows about your OCD once again she should have thought about your opinion on the matter and how it might affect you. You are the child's parent so you do have a right to parent how you see fit and have your own reaction to what is going on. She could have consulted you or your husband at the time. I am glad your child is OK though x

op I just wanted to say from one ocd mother to another.......i get it......if we could climb out of our own brains then I know we would.
Others are right its debilitating and sometimes all consuming and its certainly not a life I would choose.
Do you sometimes wonder if the world tries to test us??
I hope you're ok.

YANBU at all OP, your MIL was careless to think this was appropriate! Irrespective of whether or not you have OCD, this is simple common sense and doesn’t need ‘curing’.

All those saying you overreacted; I wonder how many have children of that age, and if they do, would be happy if their child’s pre-school or equivalent had such a lackadaisical approach to chemicals? Absolutely staggering that so many would be okay with this! I wouldn’t let my teen DC near the stuff and MIL could have very easily given your child a watering can with just plain water - could she have been deliberately provocative?

This

Black eyed Susan, I realise saying ‘yes’ will make me look even more paranoid and neurotic on this thread, but a part of me thinks yes. We had all been in the garden for 2 hours before this, she chooses the very moment she is alone with him to get the plant food out. I think she thought if they were stuck in by the time I got back I wouldn’t be able to say no. I was only gone a few minutes yet in that time she had got it out, mixed it and was watering the plants. It all happened very quickly and with nobody else there.

I would be annoyed at this especially when my concerns were dismissed. Your mil and dh are out of order

I don't have ocd. I would avoid my kids getting this sort of plant feed on their hands but wouldn't be concerned about an opened box as long as the kids were supervised. If they were obviously getting lots on their hands I would probably intervene, wash them and suggest they put on gloves. I wouldn't be too concerned though and I would rather they enjoyed the activity of watering plants with granny than were stopped. I think your reaction is over the top but not entirely baseless. Seems to me there is a middle ground between doing nothing and immediately taking kids home.

I wouldn't leave my MIL with my children if she allowed them to help mix and then come in contact with liquid plant food. I made a point of telling the children to only use their watering can with water and to keep plant food well out of their reach.

Anyone who thinks someone who doesn't let their young child handle plant food has OCD is really insulting to people with OCD.

I use Miracle gro, ( it looks like green sugar granules).It does froth up when it’s mixed. I’m careful with it because the undiluted granules stain the skin so I wear latex gloves . I’ve never seen instructions to wear goggles though.
I agree that mil should have been more attentive but as long as the child’s hands were washed she’ll be fine.

Maybe an idea to ring mil amd apologise.

How would that apology go?

"Sorry that I got upset about you ignoring safety instructions on plant feed and getting the solution on my child's skin. Sorry that I was concerned for my child's safety."

It's not like the OP went and got pissed and puked on MIL's carpet. That is the kind of thing that would warrant a profuse apology. MIL is the one who needs to apologise. She should feel terrible for not bothering to read safety info when dealing with a 3yo and terrible for making the OP scared for her kid's safety.

@thisthenthat you scoff at Fairy Liquid being toxic, however, neat, undiluted liquid ingested by a child can kill because it usually finds its way into the lungs and impedes lung function. This would never have occurred to me until I was told at parenting classes.

I said that further up thread. It’s too much of a coincidence that it all happened in the moments you were away.

At best she is trying to push your boundaries at worst she is deliberately trying to upset you.

Please have a proper conversation with your husband as you need to get him on your side if this is ever going to stop.

I’d be inclined to say she can’t be trusted to be around your children.

Just wait til you find out what they grow potatoes in.

OP I'd not want any kids near Miracle Gro - vile stuff.

And I don't have OCD, in fact usually have my hands in soil every day. But I don't even use organic slug pellets in case one of the feral cats eats one.

Deep breath OP, your child will be fine, but I do send sympathy. OCD can be so debilitating, and is not often fully understood by those who don’t struggle with it. It sounds like you have a good level of self-awareness. I hope things feel better soon.

I think YANBU. Some people can really react to substances and the box does say to wear gloves and goggles so it’s not harmless stuff.

A child in the family stuck her hand in a similar powder and her face and body puffed up a bit like like Violet Beauregarde and had to be taken to hospital. We laugh about it now but it was terrifying at the time.

Some v cool parents on here tonight. I would have felt the same and I don't have ocd. 3 year olds are constantly putting their hands in their mouth or rubbing their eyes.

Op I’m also very anxious around chemicals and I have an autistic child so I likely have some autistic traits.

I would be FURIOUS. My kids have t picked up on my fears as I’ve been very careful but all family know my views on chemical products and take care around the kids.

Don't take this the wrong way but you really need to get help for your ocd. Your children will thank you for it if you do.

You really did overreact. Maybe an apology to the mil is due.

Plant feed is basically NPK Nitrogen, phosphorous potassium, we are made up of these and eat them in our foods- they are not 'Chemical'

I thought you were going to say 'Weedkiller' which is a very different thing.

You are really being unreasonable here, and will be affecting your son if you continue in this way..

@Freyawiththeblondehair I used to be very paranoid about food poisoning, and unknowingly caused my son real fears- In retrospect, it was unfair on him.