Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

This is beyond ridiculous- 1. What the heck is the point of antibac when your washing the hands - it’s not as good as washing hands and won’t remove the things you need to wash off. Just wash hands. 2. Sheds get hot, antibac is usually alcohol which will start to denature if it gets too hot. 30/40degrees.

What is this crazy fascination with handgel?

people who use it after coming out public loos - IT WIlL NOT KILL the germs like c.diff/norovirus etc that cause tummy bugs. Y’all just nasty.

Just wash your damn hands.

I wasn’t there that’s the point. I came back and the box was just lying out, open.

You don’t need to feel sorry for my children. The 3 year old attends forest school in nursery and I happily signed the form for him to learn to handle fire, chop wood and so on. I trust the staff to know what they’re doing and I know a certain level of risk is actually a good thing.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned if you know that your MIL has form for not adequately supervising children. There's a big difference between letting a child help safely and actively pouring a potentially noxious substance onto their hands. Liquids splash and children put anything possible into their mouths.

Maybe your son could have his own watering can with just water in it, and use that instead?

She puts anti bac on AFTER washing her/her niece's hands.
I don't know why either, I was simply pointing out that people don't expect to do garden work (themselves, not just with children) and not clean their hands after.

Plus if a child is going to stick their hands in their mouth is there really time to stop them?

I think all plant feed says wear gloves and goggles but that is literally them covering themselves in the unlikely event something happens.
The box was left out but your partner was there so was presumably keeping an eye on the kids and making sure they didn't eat it or anything
I think YABU.

I’m with you OP
I wouldn’t be happy with someone pouring miracle bro over my kids hands.
Whats to stop kids thinking mixing up all sorts of stuff they find is ok as granny does it.
Your dh should have stepped in.

You really need help and to think. Your gona end up pushing your partner away and your child. The fact your aware you have a problem then you should be aware to step back also. Looks like you need to apologise. We have 3 under 3 and they all love to help feed the garden wether water or tomato foods etc. If it gets on there hands then washed away no problems.

This.

I think keeping a toddler safe rather grumps potentially upsetting MIL who may well not have meant any harm but clearly lacks common sense.

Partner was inside changing the 1 year old and talking to FIL so wasn’t in the garden when this happened. Hence my going off to tell him.

You do sound OTT. Washing his hands sounds like a sensible precaution but all the upset and drama isn’t needed. Sounds like a lovely activity with Granny.

Your child will be fine, since you washed their hands and sorted them out. Additionally, the solution was dilute. So firstly, do not worry.

However, your MIL is thick and careless. If the label says not to put on skin/wear gloves, then why the fuck do posters think it's ok for the child's hand to be fluffing the plants and getting sprayed by the solution as the plants are watered with the stuff. Your partner sounds apathetic, and as thick as MIL for not actually realising or intervening or giving much of a shit.

I don't think this is an OCD problem or that you were unduly hysterical. It isn't unreasonable to expect adults to be able to read and follow safety precautions.

You are biologically hard wired to protect your 1yo and 3yo. You shouldn't look at this as something to be cured. I would have been furious about this - and mine are much older teens who've handled all sorts. It is not some PFB affliction - it's just following safety information.

Ffs, all of you saying it’s ok because it’s safe for plants, it is not if poured directly onto them! It will burn and kill them! The feed is supposed to be poured onto the soil, avoiding getting any on the plant. When it is in the soul, the plant will take up what it needs through its root system.

Sadly, my skin thinks fairy liquid is harmful. It splits and bleeds if in contact with it for more than a minute.

In short yes. If this is the kind of thing which makes you apoplectic then you need help for anxiety.

If you can try to open up to your MIL about your OCD, as it’s likely to damage your relationship badly if she doesn’t understand why you are behaving so oddly.

I have a PhD in chemistry OP. I wouldn’t be ok with this either - I don’t know if this particular plant food is likely to cause a reaction but any chemical solution could (even those that are toiletries in some people). More than that though, it just seems really unnecessary. She could have fed the plants later or had feed in her own watering can. Water would have been fine for him.

YABU. This is the OCD. Well done for seeking treatment… Is the sort of thing that has led you to the conclusion that MIL can’t be left with the children unattended?

No she doesn't - she can expect adults to follow safety instructions very reasonably. MIL needs help with reading comprehension it would seem.

Of course MIL bloody can't be left with the children - she's an idiot!

Oh piss off!

I'm an experienced gardener and I don't handle this stuff without gloves. Any splashes washed off immediately, it's highly irritant and not to be ingested. YANBU.

I don't think you are being that unreasonable, I would be quite stressed too if I come back and realised my young child had plant chemicals all over their hands and no one reliable is around to be watching if they put their hands in their mouth.

I'm sure if you phrased this differently and said 'My MIL and my 3 year old were bleaching the floors and my MIL was letting my 3 year old rub the bleach into the floor with their hands' - the comments would be different.

I think the OP sounds like a great DIL - loves the grandchildren and takes great care of them. It's the MIL who's the stupid relative here.