Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

I believe you have grossly overacted. All children should be taught how how to look after plants. Your MIL will have mixed the feed and was behaving as all grandparents should by allowing the kids to help with the garden. Ive never heard of plant food that needs goggled and ive worked in a garden nursery fot 17yrs.
Are you going to go to the schools and stop them taking science lessons later on? I think an apology is needed. If you carry on like this you will alienate everyone including your children.

Maybe neat but it was watered down. You’ll make your kids terrified of touching anything. It’s not like it was neat bleach or caustic soda.

I would be v cross with this situation too. Regardless of your anxiety, you should NOT be allowing children to use any kind of additives. They all say keep out of reach of children! The water was absolutely enough. Yanbu at all. Stay strong.

Another trained gardener here and it absolutely is NOT ok to get this stuff all over your bare hands. I wouldn't dream of handling any garden chemicals without gloves and all of those implying it's safe to do so 'because it's ok for the plants' is completely wrong. A lot of plant feeds contain inorganic compounds which are safe for plants but not for other organisms to ingest (or to get on skin, in eyes, or be inhaled in the case of powders).

No need for the over-reaction around this though. A quick hand wash, a simple (very basic, age appropriate) chat about how we handle chemicals followed by another go with gloves on is all that's needed. This sounds very much like a lost learning opportunity. Please get help so you avoid passing your very debilitating fears on to your children OP.

I’m sorry I disagree with most people on here. Your MIL was very wrong. If something to be only used by grown ups says goggles and gloves I don’t know what the hell goes on in her head. And she left the box out, where was your 1 yr old.you’re not over reacting and it’s not your OCD. I definitely don’t have that and I’d be absolutely livid!!!

Genuinely can't believe the replies on this.

You are not being unreasonable at all. They could have watered thr plants without the feed. I would have not been happy with this at all!

In 15 years he will be out there stuffing all sorts of chemicals down his gob, quaffing large quantities of ethanol and a bit of plant feed won't hurt him.

Sorry I’m with you on this one, OCD or not. Under no circumstances would I allow my 3 year old to handle garden chemicals. As you have already stated, it said to wear gloves and not to get on the skin.. it’s written for a reason. I’m all for children getting their hands dirty and playing in the garden, nothing a good bath or shower can’t fix. Chemical’s absolutely no way !!

@Freyawiththeblondehair

Of course it's not ok and nothing to do with ocd!!

Anythings concentrated can be harmful and what if child had strange allergic reaction or hand rubbed eyes which adult wouldn't do.

It's ridiculously stupid thing to do.

However she doesn't have then alone and you need to really watch her in future and if she seems uncomfortable say... After the incident with the concentrated plant food.

OP, you’re getting a hard time, but not wanting chemicals on your child’s hands is not unreasonable. I’d purchase some gardening gloves for little one and ask your husband to gently remind his mum to not use chemicals/follow box instructions.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t just use water if a child was helping them tbh. I think she was being thoughtless.

For your OCD try to challenge your thoughts and compulsions on things you know aren’t reasonable eg excessive hand washing, so that you start to build back your self confidence on things like this. Remember some people will always be more lax than others but as long as your children aren’t being impacted by your OCD (and taking your child to wash their hands is a normal parental reaction) then trust yourself.

Nice Dripfeed!

This as well as posters ignoring or not bothering to read her other posts where she says she is getting help for her OCD, how her MIL treats her and uses her OCD against hers like many on this thread are doing.

Bet the comments would be a bit different if her OCD hadn’t been mentioned.

I don't think you're overreacting. Three year olds don't need to water plants with anything other than water, their skin is still very sensitive at that age.
I'm sure there's no harm done but she should've asked if you were ok about it before going ahead.

I get the point you’re making, but you realise not everyone drinks alcohol? Teens now seem to be more health conscious than ever!

You are being unreasonable. I have OCD and work really hard on my children not having barriers to normal life because of me.
I would suggest some therapy might help. The children aren’t just yours and your husband has a right to say if his family can be left alone with the children. Not just you.

What utterly ridiculous replies.

How long were you on the lavvy for ? Your mother - in - law managed to get quite a lot done while you were indisposed.

I am completely with you on this one, OP. Sounds like from what it said on the packet, your child shouldn't have been anywhere near it! I would have been the same as you. Not OCD - just common sense!

You asked if you were unreasonable for being really angry. Yes, I'd be narked and either provide gloves or distract child with another task (after washing hands) but it's not as major as you're feeling it is therefore yabu. But I totally sympathise, it's not the most sensible thing and knowing your history she should have asked.

Well that's for a completely different thread isn't it?

He will have some outlet that is for sure. Cannabis? Performance cars? Gambling? Religion? Denial? There are plenty of things we can get hung up over.

A bit of plant feed on his fingers or a packet of Fangtastics with grandma is not going to kill him. Over control is the worst thing of modern parenting.

I think your reaction is, in the long term, much more damaging. I think you need to take your reaction very seriously and get treatment asap if you don't want to permanently damage your children.

Right!

I’m really wishing for a hide button for every posters who tells OP she needs to get some help when she already is saying she is and her own children go to Forest School so she is surely not trying to limit them and working on not letting her OCD get the best of her.

Check the child for a growth spurt in next couple of months. There’s always an upside.

Yes you are being a hysterical mother.

You're going to pass it onto your kids too. You need to get a grip.

Naughty!