Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

The thing is, all of us who deal with these chemicals professionally have said we would not handle any plant foods, given the choice.

this is adults making our own informed choices

not only would I not handle this stuff barehanded (and probably like a lot of professional health and safety bods, I am quite slapdash in my own house) urea is an irritant, it can cause burns and contact dermatitis.

i really wouldn’t let my own kids loose round it,

and I just couldn’t contemplate any rational mindset that would expose someone else’s very small child to the stuff. Not just expose, but wait till she is unsupervised to then decide to use the feed AND encourage direct skin contact. It’s just so bogglingly pointless.

OP, she absolutely is fucking with you.

Thank you Jock, you’re right - absolutely pointless, she has a ton of hanging baskets and potted plants on ledges as well that she asked partner to get down so she could water them as well. Just not the sort of task you would normally think to start when you have family over, not to me anyway. To be honest I think the timing is just too coincidental, I was sat out for a good couple of hours and was probably gone for about 2-3 minutes, during which time all this happened, she must’ve been waiting for her moment.

I wish in these scenarios people would genuinely consider whether they would be happy for it to happen to their own child rather than just somebody else’s on the internet. Much easier to be chilled and relaxed about the latter isn’t it. If you wouldn’t go outside right now and let your small child play with plant feed mix, why wouldn’t you?

So sorry to hear this. I have OCD around this particular theme as well so totally understand and it would have made me terrified.

OCD is horrible. I'm totally open about it with my children and I am getting help.

OP be aware this post might be a sneaky way of you getting reassurance?

But if in doubt whether it's your anxiety or real life then read the packet. You did read the packet and it says it's not to be handled by children so it's there in black and white I think?

Guess the only thing therefore is to keep as calm as poss when these things happen.

Sending you a hug xxxx

I got some plant feed on my hands and developed a rash that needed prescription medication to heal it. Children’s skin is sensitive. You are not over reacting.

I can talk from experience that you need to get support for your OCD and anxiety. My husband suffered from a parent that has OCD. From as a baby as soon as he got a little spec on him he was changed. Used to brush teeth clean till they bled and more. It has had a very detrimental affect on him to this day. You also need to realise that when your children go to nursery they are likely to come home covered in paint, mud and more

I think it's a bit of an overreaction. How you dealt with it was just about ok, but any further fuss and any anger at your dh is unnecessary.

Plant food can go a bit frothy, mine does. I don’t think plant food are nasty chemicals, it’s mostly seaweed etc. I can understand the worry, but I think they’ll be fine. I’m always splashing it on my skin by accident.

i thought it sounded a lovely moment between grandparent and DC.

You know that seeking reassurance is the WORST thing you can do for your OCD. You are fuelling your disorder and next time it will be stronger for every time you do this, as with every time you do not fight it.

ERP exposure therapy is the only way out of this. Seek it. Not just talking therapy as they often don’t understand ocd properly.

"Meow meow" was sold as plant food and that was a dangerous drug, so YANBU.

Please don’t pass your fears on to your children . My mother had the same over reactions as you and I have an adult hood of phobias and ocd thoughts . As much as I love my mum she’s has ruined my mental health with her own fears .

@Freyawiththeblondehair I initially said 'YABU' but then googled Miracle gro
I have used it in the past, and it is blue crystals that can stain, so for that reason, your MIL could just have used plain water to water her plants.

You are NOT being unreasonable at all!!!!

I think your MIL could have been a bit more careful and I can understand your worries, however it does seem an overreaction. I am imagining if it was my child and yes my MIL made some dodgy decisions sometimes like letting the toddlers run around the garden with a load of broken greenhouse glass just lying around.
I cleared up the glass and luckily no incident but I wouldn't have made a hasty departure.
Most garden feeds are safe but it was unnecessary for her to use it really or leave it out.
She may just not be as on it as you say and just didn't consider your fears. It sounds like they were having a nice time and grandma was doing something he could "help" with.
I would have washed hands and put the box away and moved on.

OP I don’t think people on here have been very kind to you. I feel like there is a lot of gaslighting because you clearly feel vulnerable about your OCD and anxiety and they are telling you that you are being neurotic when you have a very valid concern. Plant food can burn skin. The instructions are there for a reason. I would be cross about that happening to my older children, let alone little ones with delicate skin.

YANBU!

The amount of people who think it’s ok despite the instructions literally saying to wear gloves and keep out of reach of children baffles me.

I do the gardening in our home and I only allow mine to use water and wear gloves myself when the instructions say to wear gloves and warns about irritants, possible chemical burns, etc..

There are children and pet-safe plant feeds but the one OP is talking about is not one of them!

Your kids will grow up with very little immunity. YABVVVU

I think you are not being unreasonable. Watering is fun. But I would never use any sort of feed including miracle-gro with a young child! Im amazed at people who say they would!

So on the face of it you are over reacting and I think you need to work on that. I would have normally washed the child's hand and moved on. However my children have a specific genetic allergy whereby stuff like this can actual kill them so I may have got rather animated however my parents and pils are nor idiots.

So are chemicals. In my experience people are actually extremely uneducated when it comes to chemicals and do need to take more care. Fertiliser and similar are not organic or natural products and should always be used with gloves. OP YANBU but do not panic, your DC will not have been harmed but your MIL does need to actually read instructions.

Um.. how is not wanting your child exposed to chemical plant food that literally says on the box to keep away from children have anything to do with immunity?

No I’d be really annoyed at this if it says to use gloves and goggles. Pesticides are really dangerous. She was being a moron, and I’d think the same if it was your mother.

Immunity to mass produced fertiliser is of no use to any human. Playing in mud and dirt is essential for children’s immunity. Touching chemicals is not. They’re very different things.

I'd be pissed off! You're not overreacting one bit, and the fact she's racist and says/does things to antagonise you is not on at all

OP a lot of posters saying you’re being very unreasonable will be people who Zeflora the shit out of their house, breathe in toxic wax melts all day and bleach anything that moves . So take it all with a pinch of salt and trust that the manufacturers that state the warnings on the packet of the plant food know what they’re talking about and know the legal implications of not warning customers.

This ^