Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

This.

Worth repeating.

Indeed @JudgeAnderson but the product was rated as ‘not hazardous’ according to EC regs

Wish I had never mentioned the OCD to be honest, it wasn’t even relevant in a way, either spraying a small child’s hands with plant feed is acceptable or it isn’t, regardless of my mental health. I think MIL could have sprayed her with bleach and people would be telling me to chill because my OCD could rub off on my children…! Anyone with credentials has said what she did is not safe.

They said that about herbicides, apparently they were harmless. However the top dog refused to drink any when offered a cup.

Spot on there OP. The question is not you having a MH condition it’s whether or not chemicals are ok to be used like that. End of.

I thought this when I read the first few pages of responses.

Its to help flowers flourish . It's not weed killer which is a chemical you owe your mil a big apology. Yes wash their hands afterwards. But that's all.

How about reading the posts from people who know about chemicals and gardening.

If you hadn't mentioned OCD, everyone would have agreed with you.

In reality, none of those posters would actually be happy with their 3 year old handling that stuff. If someone had posted about their childminder doing it everyone would be telling them to report to Ofsted.

I think that has been said about many things in the past

https://www.healthline.com/health/fertilizers-and-household-plant-foods

When you have a 1 yo and a 3 yo you are naturally very clear about substances and activities that can be used in a playful context and ones that can’t. I would definitely allow young kids to help me water the plants. I would definitely not allow them to help me feed them or use weed killer etc. It’s not just whether they could cause harm/skin irritation there and then. It’s whether the child might see a box or packet of it in another context and think ooh goody, playtime. Another example would be a box of matches. Letting a child touch it: won’t cause harm right there and then. But you need to have clear “don’t touch” boundaries around it (for you and them) because one day you might have to answer the doorbell or dash to the phone or whatever and you don’t want to think you’ve piqued their interest in something that they could actually do damage with in another context. I actually think a lot of the YaBUs here are from people with older kids who have forgotten (as I almost have!) what it’s like having super little ones at home (including your 1 year old, who could also have grabbed the box of powder etc etc.)

Can't you use it on fruit and vegetables?

YANBU to object to the watering incident. Your MIL sounds lax about safety.

YABU to hurriedly leave the house and describe yourself as 'livid' at everyone involved.

The best response would have been to CALMLY intervene, ask your DS to go and wash his hands, show your MIL the warnings on the packet and say "this isn't safe to put on skin, please don't let DS get it on his hands again" and carry on with your day.

There are going to be a LOT of incidences in future where people act around your kids in a way you're uncomfortable with, and you need to step in. It's just part of parenting, unfortunately.

You just need to find the confidence/authority to do that calmly, without worrying that people will call you 'hysterical'.

@NathanielSitsOnASpike i think it’s a bit difficult to do what you’ve suggested when your MIL is usually going out her way to upset you.

The original post doesn't say the MIL was doing this on purpose to upset the OP. If that's been drip-fed in the comments, then I've missed it.

In any case, if someone's deliberately trying to wind you up, it's even MORE important to (make a superhuman effort to) stay calm and reasonable. Don't give them the satisfaction!

Not saying it's easy, it really isn't, but it's undisputably true.

YA definitely NBU. Amazed at the early responses, frankly. I'm pretty relaxed about such things and I would not want a small child handling Miracle Gro. I also think there's some ignorance on the thread about plant food and assumptions that because plants are nice and food is nice then plant food must be harmless stuff. Doesn't work like that.

More like DP owes OP an apology for exposing OP and their DC to a racist twat.

Calmly pointing things out only works on a reasonable person who is happy to acknowledge their mistakes. If I had done this yesterday I know what would’ve happened. She would’ve said ‘really? What’s wrong with it? It isn’t rat poison. Oh for gods sake’ and then rolled her eyes. Then I would’ve been blamed for spoiling the afternoon and kicking up a big fuss about nothing.

You know you don't have to subject yourself to vile people. Just don't visit. Don't invite her round.

If your DH wants to visit he can take the kids on his own.

Take away her audience and she won't do these shitty things to get your reaction.

I didnt get the racist update so that does change things entirely- I'm sorry I hadn't seen that OP.
That's not OK and not something you should need to put up with, ever.

If your DH wants to visit he can take the kids on his own.

If I were OP I'd be worried to do that - she might let them loose with the strimmer or the drain cleaner next.

One off incident. Hands washed. End of problem. Do get help with your OCD otherwise you'll repeat this kind of response.

Have you read all the OP's posts? Her MiL's a racist.

Do get help with your OCD

OP already said that she is. If you don't want to read the whole thread you can at least filter by those posts.
Even with help, OCD can be very stubborn and often never completely remits. People honestly seem to think it's six CBT sessions and sorted. If only.