“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

[NCtoddlerq]

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

Take a step back from her. She’s doing nothing for you’re health.

Also just keep repeating the word ‘no’. No need to say anything else.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would want this person in your life? They don't seem to add anything positive and you may be stuck in FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Have a google and find out how to work on those feelings. The obvious answer is to go no or low contact but it would probably take you a while to get there.

Stop having someone in your life because you are related to them. Is she a good role model for your child? No. I left it a bit too long and then my child asked why my Dad was so mean to me all the time. I am literally down to seeing him once a year at a big family event. So think of the example you are setting for your child, a person who upsets you, is cruel to you, makes out your child loves her so much he would rather spend time with her than with you which was the point she was making when she said your Dh needs a break. She knows you are there, that it is the weekend. Seriously, have a good think about it all. You deserve better, treat yourself better.

Your mum is horrible! I usually try to find a good thing in people but nope. It's a wonder you still have the strength and kindness you do to deal with her despite what she's like to you. She doesn't have any regard for you, does she? Everyone else comes before you, her own daughter and that's sad.

For your mental health, I'd limit this person from your life.

Your mother and mine are twins. The difference being, I've not spoken to mine for 15 years and it's been fucking wonderful.

She's narcissistic and abusive and you will never make her happy enough to treat you with respect.

Stop trying, and stop worrying. People like this really don't care about anything but themselves so it's time to step out of the FOG and put yourself first.

Sounds like she is too involved with you. Step back, put in some boundaries. Don’t tell her things she doesn’t need to know. Don’t engage in discussions with her - just say no thank you if she makes an offer you don’t want to take up and then ignore further communication about it. Most of all, stop trying to please her! Most probably you never will please her, the more you give, the more she’ll expect. Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, you may find others’ experiences helpful.

It's time to take full responsibility for your own happiness and take a massive, MASSIVE step away from your mother. She is toxic, she has always been toxic. You are on this treadmill to nowhere in trying to keep her happy and to please her. You will never do either because she's a self-absorbed, narcissistic twat. Give yourself permission to cut her out of your life.

If she was not a good mum to you she is unlikely to be good to your DC . That’s true in my personal experience anywsy . Please take a step back from her for all your sakes

your dp needs a break from what ?? being a parent .. your mum is something else

Not a good mum? She's your mum and makes you feel like this..... so who is she to say if you are a good mum?!

Your child has a parent looking after them. Even if you used childcare there is nothing wrong with you working. You are providing for your child ffs.

What does DH say does he want a break? Is he happy with you providing that break? I think it's up to him to decide if he needs a break

Our mum is the same person. I kept her in my life for far too long purely because it was the only way I got a break from dc. The final straw was her ringing me up screaming I come collect ds because..... it was raining. Enough was enough.
Cut her out op. People like this will never change

Thanks, I know I need to set boundaries it is just SO hard. She’s just text me saying ‘I hope there’s not an issue??? Your DS doesn’t need that.’

SO manipulative but now I feel guilty! It’s crazy how she gets to me

It’s fine for her to ask.

Its not fine for you to say no because she upset you previously as that is not fair on your son.

It is fine for you to say no because you don’t need her to look after him/your busy.

It’s definitely not ok for her to ignore your boundaries and to bring your DP into this.

If it was a group chat what did your DH say?
Does he speak to her regularly?
Is he struggling?

You feel guilt because you're in the FOG. It's solid hard the first time to set a boundary but it's always hard the first time you do something. It gets easier.

I'm NC with mine. It's bloody lovely.

Best thing I ever did was never speak to my mum again. Don’t keep people in your life that make you feel sad. You wouldn’t tolerate this from a friend or anyone else.

Do you often try to buy her love? I think you need to step away from her, your son cannot be affected by this.

She sounds horrible. Maybe some counselling would help you to feel better setting boundaries?

I would go very low contact, she’s a bitch.

That's so controlling. Why does she think your DP needs a break has he been saying this to her?

Honestly that is not normal behaviour its nice that that she wants to see your Ds but she's not asking she's telling you and being bloody rude as well.

I would reply to that last text message with a breezy ‘no issue at all! We are having a lovely day mum, but thanks for asking :)’. She wants a reaction and the satisfaction of knowing she’s got to you and spoiled your day. Don’t give her one.

I bet you're a great mum. As you say, got to keep a roof over your family's head, and your son does have a parent looking after him when you're busy so that's covered too. I don't think your mother's judgement is because she believes it has to be the mother doing the looking after - it's because it's you. Obviously whatever you do is wrong. She wants you to feel guilty and like you're a bad mum because it destroys your confidence, which in turn makes it harder for you to push back when she's being demanding.

In reality we know who the crap parent really is: it's the one who feels the need to play mind games against her daughter and doesn't even spare any sympathy when said daughter feels very ill (your kind gesture cheering her up when SHE didn't feel well doesn't work both ways, I note). I would say "how does your DP feel, would he welcome a break?" - but do either of you really trust this temperamental woman to look after your precious child? And what about her cough - is it gone or could she spread it to the toddler?

Stick to your guns. You're doing ok.

I would say that you’ve already made it clear she’s been insensitive and you need a break from her not your child. Ask for a fixed period of no contact. She sounds so toxic and you have enough on.

She’s fucking weird OP. Her habit of knowing the minds of your family would put my back up too.

Please don’t turn this into a problem you have any part in, she’s completely her own fault. Just remember she’s weird of her own volition.

This probably isn’t good advice but I would be tempted to reply to any message along those lines with ‘why do you say that?’. On repeat. Like a toddler asking ‘why?’.

No wonder you've got IBS. She's bloody horrible.

Wish you could tell her to just Fuck Off.

Her constantly saying your dp needs a break is a backhanded way of saying she doesn't think you're taking care of your child enough. As if you're not pulling your weight. Then asking if there's an issues and saying your ds doesn't need that as if you're not thinking about your son's welfare and you haven't told her you're upset already.

She's not my mum and I'm already questioning myself, I can't imagine what years of her gaslighting you and making snide remarks about you being inadequate has done to you. A bit rich calling you a bad mum; she should look in the mirror to see one.

She sounds awful OP.

Why would you call your mum on a Saturday evening?

I occasionally call mine on Monday morning as it's not my favourite time of the week but Saturday night and have my weekend ruined? No.