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AIBU?

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Original poster

“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

142 replies

NCtoddlerq · 25/06/2023 17:43

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

OP posts:
BluebellPinkBell · 27/06/2023 21:15

NCtoddlerq · 27/06/2023 20:55

Received the following text today because she hadn’t seen him in three days (we genuinely had been busy and I had NOT told her she could not see him again).

Good morning.

After a lot of thought I realise that to try and do anything about this will cause even more upset to DGS so this is my last message.

I need you both to realise the damage this is doing to an already struggling little boy. Punishing me is one thing but do you not realise the pain you are doing to DGS? He will be wondering where we are, why he can’t come round, he’ll feel really abandoned, it will be leaving a gap in his life - if you think he won’t then sadly you’re very very wrong.

Obviously if you keep doing this then that is so unfair on him.

Please give our little grandson a massive cuddle and tell him we’re so sorry. Hopefully when he’s older he can make his own decisions, sadly he can’t say it now.

This is your doing over something ridiculous. Please don’t reply, you’ve caused enough pain all round.

There is only one bad mum in all of your posts, and it isn’t you, it’s your mum!
we have a relative within our extended family similar to your mum. She’s a self-absorbed narcissist. We cut her out of her life because we grew tired of her manipulative behaviour. The best thing you can do is take your mum at her word, and don’t bother replying. She’s a drama queen and is trying to paint herself as the victim and is using your DS to manipulate you. She knows you are a good mum. She’s playing with your heart - your son. Believe me if you cut her off your DS will not notice. If he is old enough he might mention her, but it will soon stop because children soon forget. You and your DH are all he needs really.

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 27/06/2023 21:18

Do not allow her to manipulate you op.. My dc do more than OK not having my dm in their lives...
It is actually your responsibility to keep such people away from damaging your dc. Which she has done to you... Ime shite dm's don't morph into great dgm's.. They just get more sneaky and manipulative..

AnxiousShep · 27/06/2023 21:24

How manipulative is she! I wouldn’t want her influencing my children.

MavisMcMinty · 27/06/2023 21:32

She told you not to reply in the full belief that you will reply, apologising.

Don’t reply! She can’t possibly object to that, it was her instruction.

Thepossibility · 27/06/2023 21:59

Don't reply. You and DP both leave the group chat. She can sit in there chatting to herself.

bluejelly · 27/06/2023 22:27

Wow she is manipulative and toxic! I would definitely not respond.
I'm sorry you have had to put up with her crap for so many years. Sounds like you have already drawn a line in the sand. Keep that line clear and strong 💪

Ashleighz88 · 27/06/2023 22:30

Oh my god, I cannot believe mothers like this exist 🤯

How awful for you OP, I'd cut ties here. This is not normal, your mother should be your biggest supporter and you don't deserve this treatment.

Do you have siblings you could turn to for life events instead of your mother?

AuntMarch · 27/06/2023 22:40

Have only read the OP at this point.

you are not the crap mum in this story.

AlizeeEasy · 27/06/2023 22:55

My dad went nc with his dad when I was very young, I was never traumatised by this, and when I was old enough I was told the reason why and I am very glad he was never in my life. Don’t let her try and manipulate you, I wish you the best of luck

Butchyrestingface · 27/06/2023 23:11

Do you have other siblings, @NCtoddlerq ? If so, how does she treat them?

SeulementUneFois · 27/06/2023 23:27

What a fucking bitch she is.
Never contact her again OP.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 27/06/2023 23:36

Ashleighz88 · 27/06/2023 22:30

Oh my god, I cannot believe mothers like this exist 🤯

How awful for you OP, I'd cut ties here. This is not normal, your mother should be your biggest supporter and you don't deserve this treatment.

Do you have siblings you could turn to for life events instead of your mother?

oh they do exist!

Quiverer · 28/06/2023 00:06

NCtoddlerq · 27/06/2023 20:55

Received the following text today because she hadn’t seen him in three days (we genuinely had been busy and I had NOT told her she could not see him again).

Good morning.

After a lot of thought I realise that to try and do anything about this will cause even more upset to DGS so this is my last message.

I need you both to realise the damage this is doing to an already struggling little boy. Punishing me is one thing but do you not realise the pain you are doing to DGS? He will be wondering where we are, why he can’t come round, he’ll feel really abandoned, it will be leaving a gap in his life - if you think he won’t then sadly you’re very very wrong.

Obviously if you keep doing this then that is so unfair on him.

Please give our little grandson a massive cuddle and tell him we’re so sorry. Hopefully when he’s older he can make his own decisions, sadly he can’t say it now.

This is your doing over something ridiculous. Please don’t reply, you’ve caused enough pain all round.

I'd be tempted to reply "No need to worry, DS is very happy and not missing you in the least" and then block her.

billy1966 · 28/06/2023 00:12

Toxic and manipulative.

Block her on everything and do not allow anyone to intervene on her behalf.

Expect drama, illness and anything else she can think of to gain attention.

She is poisonous to your life.

You are a great mum doing your best.

Cut her out.
Your life will be better.

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2023 00:15

Omg I was going to say just say no but thumbs up and block is the way to go here. She is not good for you or ds!

Puppers · 28/06/2023 00:19

What a lot of silliness because you had the audacity to say "no thank you" to one sleepover.

Let her have her tantrum. I know that NC might seem like a huge leap that you don't want to take, and if that's the case my advice would be to just completely ignore her for now and give some thought about how you will respond when she inevitably gets back in touch. It could be a great opportunity to take control of the relationship and set strong boundaries in place.

Asiama · 28/06/2023 00:44

OP i had a batshit mum like yours and her behaviour impacted my physical and mental health, my ability to parent and my family life. Since going NC with her life has been much more peaceful. DS was also a toddler and never noticed, he can't even remember her now.

Please ignore your horrible mum.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 28/06/2023 01:10

She’s absolutely batshit…

allhailthebrain · 28/06/2023 01:37

Wow. Her latest message is something else...

She's calling your bluff. Just don't reply and make sure he doesn't either.

She is clearly always going to upset you, and make things more difficult. If my parents (one of whom takes the huff ridiculously easily) were to send messages like that whenever they haven't seen the kids in three whole days, my phone would have exploded by now!

It's more likely her huffs will affect your child in the future anyway. I cut my brother out for similar reasons. I only have contact when we need to about my parents, I just stopped making the effort and he never made any anyway - job done!

Be strong x

SheSaidHummingbird · 28/06/2023 01:46

Your DM is a narcissist and you need to cut her out and use the 'grey rock' technique. Take control and protect your child from this behaviour.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/06/2023 02:18

NCtoddlerq · 27/06/2023 20:55

Received the following text today because she hadn’t seen him in three days (we genuinely had been busy and I had NOT told her she could not see him again).

Good morning.

After a lot of thought I realise that to try and do anything about this will cause even more upset to DGS so this is my last message.

I need you both to realise the damage this is doing to an already struggling little boy. Punishing me is one thing but do you not realise the pain you are doing to DGS? He will be wondering where we are, why he can’t come round, he’ll feel really abandoned, it will be leaving a gap in his life - if you think he won’t then sadly you’re very very wrong.

Obviously if you keep doing this then that is so unfair on him.

Please give our little grandson a massive cuddle and tell him we’re so sorry. Hopefully when he’s older he can make his own decisions, sadly he can’t say it now.

This is your doing over something ridiculous. Please don’t reply, you’ve caused enough pain all round.

And that would her trying to invoke the G in FOG.

Go NC. You will feel better for it.

Fraaahnces · 28/06/2023 03:04
  1. Unlike you, I mean what I say. When I say that we’re busy, we’re busy.
    2)Your desire to control me, dp and our child is unhealthy and making nobody happy.
  2. I do not need your permission to make decisions concerning my family and nobody has asked for your opinion.
  3. Not everything is about you, Mum.
  4. It’s pathetic when a daughter has to say this to her mother, but GROW UP!
Bananarepublic · 28/06/2023 03:20

Ashleighz88 · 27/06/2023 22:30

Oh my god, I cannot believe mothers like this exist 🤯

How awful for you OP, I'd cut ties here. This is not normal, your mother should be your biggest supporter and you don't deserve this treatment.

Do you have siblings you could turn to for life events instead of your mother?

The really skilled ones have got this covered too. They play each sibling off against the others, manipulating them to support her over their siblings, lie about what one has said about the other etc. Anything to divide and rule.

bumblebee2235 · 28/06/2023 03:24

NCtoddlerq · 25/06/2023 18:50

Thanks, I know I need to set boundaries it is just SO hard. She’s just text me saying ‘I hope there’s not an issue??? Your DS doesn’t need that.’

SO manipulative but now I feel guilty! It’s crazy how she gets to me

I would say there is an issue, no Ds doesn't need that so sort yourself out 😂

momonpurpose · 28/06/2023 04:02

What a witch! Parents have to work. Your DC is loved and cared for. She can stuff it! Please don't feel you are being a bad mum. There is a bad mum here but it ain't you!