“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

[NCtoddlerq]

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

She thinks a lot of herself! Look at what her influence has done to you over the years. Protect your son from that. He's too young to know to remove toxic people from his life.

I’d go very low contact with her.
Stop letting her talk down to you, down play your feelings and just being a cunt to you.
tell her to fuck off. Don’t allow it.

You can't win whatever you do. When I was on mat leave with my twins, early on when they were sleeping in shifts, DH was taking Fridays off and would do the night feeds on Thursday-Saturday night and sleep in the next day, I did the Sunday-Wednesday nights, with no lie in, so by the time it got to Thursday evening I was hallucinating from the lack of sleep. One Thursday evening my mother turned round to me and remarked how hard it was on my DP, having to come in off a shift and then stay up all night! Never mind that I was up all night and all day for 4 days in a row per week.
You can drive yourself mad trying to figure out what they mean by this or that comment but none of it really matters to them, they just look for weaknesses and poke at them to see if they can upset you. Bonus points if they can set people against each other.

Ah lovely bit of emotional manipulation there from your mum. Block her, she’s not interested in being supportive, only getting at you, and what’s worse using your precious child to do so.

She's a pro, isn't she?

You won't win, so your entire aim should be protecting yourself and your son. Light touch, don't engage with nonsense, ignore manipulation, grey rock the rest. Ad read widely about shit parents. You have one.

Treat her how you would a stranger bullying your child. Cut off and block all contact. She has made it easy for you.
That text was one of the most manipulative things I have ever read.
When I started reading your op, I thought that dm was punishing you by targeting your dc. Now I am certain.

Omg OP just ignore, ignore, ignore...

Yes. Thumbs up and block.
Enjoy all the freedom now that you’ve never had before.
She’s your dm by virtue of biology. It doesn’t mean she’s going to be a good dm.

I'd personally say something along the lines that it's a little insulting to 'DP' that she seems to treat him as though he can't be a SAHD as many stay at home parents cope perfectly fine and your setup works for your family

Perhaps she'd do the same for you if you was the stay at home parent, but to me it's coming across as sexist, he can't possibly cope as he is a man. Oddly enough some me are very capable of being as functional with children as women....

My suspicion is that if the OP was the SAH parent, her mother would just pivot to "it's a shame for poor DP, he has to do his job AND childcare" every time time he so much as changed a nappy. It's never about what they say it's about. They just like messing with your head.

Mines like this saying no results in bad behaviour and the silent treatment leave her too it and have a nice life she is the angry one. Even the request for having your child was all about the “I am doing this” not “would you like”. I stood up to mine for the first time at the age of 51 she dropped me and her grandchildren instantly the caring grandma act was fake and only so she could get what she wanted

@Butchyrestingface she is absolutely lovely to my other siblings and has told them to ignore me.

Sounds like those messages estranged parents or grandparents write, when they're pretending to have no clue why their relative is upset or why they've been cut off. The "missing missing reasons".

You could just reply something short and sweet, to avoid the drama she desperately wants, like "no need to overthink this - we've just been pretty busy over the last few days. See you when things calm down a little."

That's so sad. She doesn't deserve the privilege of having you, or your son, in her life.

I would just reply goodbye.

you don’t need that.

Please don’t reply, you’ve caused enough pain all round.

This last sentence seems to be loved by people with narcissistic traits.

Does anyone have any insight into why abusive people do this? Is there their way of maintaining an illusion of control?

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-the-family-scapegoat-5187038

That's scapegoating. My mother does that.

if you think he won’t then sadly you’re very very wrong.
wuuuut!! if she said that to me I'd say I'M HIS MOTHER NOT YOU
or I might just head butt her (not really but I'd feel murderous)
wot a ducking fitch she is

My step dad just turned up and has left me in tears.

Said I have upset my mum, that she thinks I’m not going to let her see DS. When I read him the texts and made him aware that I had not said anything of the sort, he said well that’s what she thinks and it’s upset her.

I said throughout my whole life I have been made to feel guilty, to apologise, to make it up to her. That she treats me differently, that all I had wanted was an apology.

He said that’s never going to happen. I said, why should I be okay with that? He said, because she’s your mum.

I said mums don’t do that, mums aren’t purposely horrible to their children. He said, do you think you’re never going to be horrible to your DS? Mums do that. I said no, I won’t be, because I know what it feels like and I will never inflict that on him.

He started to say I was insecure and selfish, and that I had a vendetta against my mum because I don’t want her to have a relationship with my DS. I said if that were true, he wouldn’t see her so often. He said I watch you and I know you, you hate it.

He then said I need to be very careful and ‘watch who I’m treading on’.

I simply said if she is never going to take accountability or apologise, I don’t want to know anymore. I’m done with this.

He said well it looks like we’re done here.

Then he left.

Mums aren’t horrible and they don’t make you sad or isolate you from your siblings. Mums love and build confidence and lift you up. You can just not see her for a bit. Nothing bad will happen. Be happy, and be the Mum you want to be.

Good. Block her flying monkey now too. Nasty people.

So he's threatening you too?

OP, these are not good people and you need to stop giving them the oxygen to continue to bully you and your family.

You do not have to open the door to these people, answer your phone or respond to texts.

When you do you allow their abuse of you to continue.

Protect yourself and your family if you want peace and calm in your life.

Your child does not need this awful woman in his life.

Please be careful and don’t answer the door to anyone who might be a flying monkey. You have to protect yourself against them.

Is she blocked on everything?

Please don’t be upset. You have been brave, and are protecting your family from toxic harm. Can you plan something nice to look forward to? Cinema at the weekend? Little break?

Obviously brace yourself for The Mystery Illness…

Ignore your mum’s message.
Your step father is a right pain too.

You have done NOTHING wrong. She sounds incredible difficult. Don’t pick up the phone - let her make the next move.

Hope your IBS settles down soon.