“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

[NCtoddlerq]

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

Thank you all. I have inflammatory bowel disease (ulcerative colitis) not IBS so it’s really difficult. The stress is really affecting me right now and I’m in a bad flare up because of this

No your mums a dick. Stop trying to appease her, buy her love or win her approval. You can’t.

the response to all her messages if you want to reply is to tell her she doesn’t need to worry about DS, you will sort him, but if you ever want her opinion you’ll ask for it.

for someone who apparently doesn’t want to argue and doesn’t want to talk and thinks you’re so awful, she sure finds a lot of ways to get in touch with you doesn’t she.
step dad is a flying monkey. She’ll try to turn your siblings into flying monkeys.
its fascinating that such a terrible mother feels she’s in a position to judge you.
honestly just ditch her.
She’s thriving on criticising you and being the victim, don’t play into it

Your child will be better off because they won't see the stress caused by such an evil manipulator like your mother.
I'm so sorry OP, they sound awful.

Jesus fucking Christ. Your mum is a horrible, horrible bitch.

I hope your siblings see that you’re treated differently and are ‘othered’ by your mother. I fear not, though.

Block her. You really won’t be able to reason with her ever. She’s too awful. And your stepfather is her poisonous little flying monkey.

Your son is so much better away from her, she’d have tried to poison him against you, just like she’s done with everyone else.

Awful woman. I hope she gets her comeuppance. She doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is well worth reading.

Look after yourself - something nice to eat, something funny on tv, early night.

Heh @NCtoddlerq - your Mum had to send her husband round because you took her at her word (I think?) and didn’t reply to her overdramatic text. Who’ll be round to plead her case/scold you next, do you think? Hold firm. It’s OK to cry, tears are just emotions in liquid form. x

OP sounds like you’ve dealt with this brilliantly - well done!

You'll be amazed at how much better you are going to feel when these people are out of your life. That slow-burning anxiety caused by their presence will be a huge weight off of you.

What an awful man. Creepy too, telling you he watches you. Horrible stress to put someone under.

What a disgusting pair.

I can imagine you do hate seeing her "mothering" your child.

She's not entitled to do that after being so abusive to you, it's another way of getting at you. It's all fake if she can be nasty to a child, the nice isn't very real at all. It's bound to make you extremely uncomfortable as you know the real her.

And she has married another version of her.

You should all DP to step in if there's any more contact and say he's not tolerating this threatening tone and behaviour.

Your stepdad will be desperate for you to get back in touch because he's probably become the scapegoat in your absence. And as PPs have said, if you hate your DS being around your mother that's perfectly rational - you know she is nasty, you know she can hurt people, why would you not be uncomfortable having her around your son?

@NCtoddlerq One thing I regret when I was going through similar is that I didn’t document everything, I would suggest you do it. Keep a diary, keep texts, get a camera for your door incase anymore flying monkeys turn up and do anything further so they can be recorded, keep any letters you might be sent. If you want to cut contact completely further down the line and your mother twists it all onto you (which it sounds like she’s already trying to do), you will have evidence for the police if it moves into harassment and also you have evidence to show your child in the future.

It really is your responsibility to keep your dd away from such a toxic woman. The fact he is related to her is matter less. I am nc with my dm and no way on earth she sees my dc. Keep a record of his threats. Because imo it was a threat. Don't open the door to him again if you are home alone. Block them both. I had a solicitor tell my dm to stop contacting my teen dd.

So I have just, at 11:30pm, received the strangest message from my mum - I honestly do not have a clue what is happening right now… my guess is she’s been out drinking.

NCtoddlerq,

I don’t need a. One of your manipulative responses or b. DP - one of your ‘made to’ ones so please don’t insult me with one.

You have made my life a complete misery with your lies and insinuations. My family do not hate me, nobody ‘agrees with you’. You have tried to pull everyone close to me into your web and that’s now a you issue. I don’t actually need anyone’s validation, I know who is real and who is not.

You need to do what you feel is right - I will let you decide whether that’s right by your son or right by your need to destroy my relationship with him.

Your constant jealousy and hatred has caused this. I love DGS with all my heart and cannot see him drawn into this circus any longer.

As you can read - I have made no threats, not thrown anyone under the bus with what actually has been said or done anything wrong other than finally stand up and say enough.

What happens next is completely on you.

• I do not have a clue what she is talking about in any of this? I don’t even know what to think? Not going to be replying.. I just am incredibly confused by this text!

She sounds drunk and fewmin’. Obviously ignore her entirely. Why has she done this at bedtime, if it isn’t drunkenness? Your own mother wants to ruin your sleep tonight!

Just ignore it, it sounds incomprehensible. If you say nothing she will run out of steam.

He then said I need to be very careful and ‘watch who I’m treading on’

That creeped me out, is your step-dad threatening you?

Please don’t expose your son to these people.

That does look like a drunken ramble.

Just mute the chat.

Kind of sounds like she's creating "evidence". Maybe she's going to take you to court for access to your son.

Well, I’ve officially just lost my parents. And probably my siblings too.

No you are having a boundary dispute, you haven’t lost anyone. Just keep making your own little family lovely.

Or maybe they have lost you?

If the only you can keep them in your lives is by a accepting being their scapegoat then I think it’s better not to have them in your life.

It sounds terribly toxic and manipulative. I had similar with my step-mum. Everyone thought she was great. She was not.

Going no contact is the only way. It hurts at first. But it does get easier.

And you can choose your own family, i have friends that are like sisters, older friends who are like a mum. Its ok to have substitutes, its ok not you have your birth mum in your life.

And you're allowed to choose. Youre allowed to say enough is enough. You dont owe her or anyone else, a relationship.

First of all, big hug for you. Must be upsetting to get these messages. As others have pointed out, create your own family and bubble, with friends etc.

I have not been in contact with part of my Father's family since when we young. They were toxic to my parents and subsequently that toxiciness is dripping down. I have no regrets on not knowing my grandparents on that side. When I was older and was in contact, I could see them for the manipulative people that they were.
Your DS better has people in his life as part of their own chosen family than blood family treating his parents as less than others.

So you received a text saying don’t reply to me
then step father showed up and said we’re done here
then you received another message telling you we’re done

it’s almost like they’re not done at all and they’re loving the drama
sorry you’re going through this op, you and your son are better off with out her. It’s hard to lose a parent and it’s also hard when they say things about you that just seem so unfair and you can’t do anything about it, or you even worry it’s actually true. but really that last message from your mum was so embarrassing for her. Albeit She doesn’t know it, but absolute cringe.