“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

[NCtoddlerq]

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

My DP has stuck up for me but she responds saying ok ‘DP’ and accusing the message coming from me. You can’t win with her at all. I’m going to try take a step back but it is going to be hard

I really hope you didn't respond to that bullshit. All she wants is to know she's gotten a rise out of you. Stop playing into her hands.

Look up F O G....fear obligation and guilt.

She brings nothing positive to you life OP.

Yeah you're going to regret staying in contact when your DS starts treating you like shit cos Grandmas whispering in his ear. Don't let her fuck your kids mental health up. Break the cycle.

You have 3 choices, OP. Stand up to her, go low/no contact or put up with her shit forever.

3 choices, but CHOICES nevertheless.

It sounds like so far you've chosen to pander to her and her cruelty. You might not think so but you have. You are an adult and do not need to take shit from anyone, even if they spent your childhood bullying you into submission.

Put your foot down. After all these years I bet it will feel SO GOOD!!

Tbh it sounds like you’re making a great start by saying no to her.

Just carry on having those sorts of boundaries.

It’s also ok to ask DP to give her a ring and clarify that he’s ok and doesn’t need any help so she knows that he’s on your side.

'Of course not mum! We've had a lovely day :). I'll be in touch next week, take care'

Control the contact you have with her going forward. Centre it around her seeing your DS, and put clear parameters in place. Have them out of the home - park, cafe etc. always have your DP present. Always limit the time. That way her opportunity for nastiness is limited by time and the fact that your DP is there and it's in public.

You don't need to "win" with her.

Step out of the game or competition or whatever she is doing. Your mother is not supposed to be managing your life when you are an adult.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP

Block any chats! Who needs a husband, wife and wife's mum group chat? No one.

She spent weeks giving you the ins an outs of her cough and then told you "it only a stomach bug"

Treat her with the same contempt she treats you with.

I would suggest only answering the phone to her once a week on a busy work day when you don't have much time to speak. She will soon get the message.

My mum can be like this. Control freak. I'm learning to try and not tell her so much.
She's not in co trol of my life..I am!

But I feel you, op. Its hard!

You don't need to 'win' with her, so stop trying. A group chat with you mum and husband is unnecessary, you really don't need one - it also gives her a foot in your marriage/relationship. As you have said yourself, you need to enforce boundaries and if that feels too hard, tell yourself that you are doing it for your child's benefit as well as your own. You can't sit back and wait for her to mind fuck your DS as well.

My mother is just like yours. I have been NC for ten years and it’s absolutely blissful.

Only wish I had cut the bitch off sooner.

It's really hard but it does get easier. I've been putting firm boundaries down with my mum for the last month. Omg i feel better.
Don't get involved with the guilt trips. She either has a relationship on your terms or not at all.

Have you had any counselling OP? Just reading your post it struck me how you keep asking for things from her that she is not willing to or can't give. You've asked for sympathy, empathy and understanding and it sounds like she never gives it to you. Yet you continue to ask and be reasonable and normal and then get upset when she doesn't react in a reasonable or normal way. I think the only way is to detach, and somehow come to terms with the fact she isnt the mum that you want her to be.

We were only in a group chat because she had oddly started one regarding this, maybe because she thought DP would side with her or something? Even though she never would… but she’s been trying to be overly nice to him recently. She’s now deleted me on Facebook which seems immature but it isn’t the first time! I’ve not contacted her since yesterday and don’t intend to. I do have a therapist, my next appointment is tomorrow so I will speak with her then.

*even though he never would

What a fucking bitch she is, I would stop replying to her messages for a while and then only reply to them after 48 hours.
Ie relegate her to the status of distant and unimportant relative!

her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break

She’s a manipulative maniac. Seriously. Crazy twat.

You have to cut her off, fully. Block on all platforms. So when she deigns to unblock you, she’ll realise you’ve done the same and it’ll remove all power from her. Currently she is owning you. And it’s messing you up.

Is she trying to be your dc's dm and get dp on side to do so? She needs keeping at a great distance op. I am nc with my dm. Too much whispering and getting dc to keep secrets in the past and I refused to be criticised as an adult... Wasn't having that.Including trying to call dd's by different names as she didn't like my choice... After 10 years nc and allowing her back...
Your dc to enjoy and raise your way op. Remember that..

@Rainrainstayawaytilseptember Calling them by different names!! If my DM didn’t like my son’s name, I’m sure that would be her too!

Received the following text today because she hadn’t seen him in three days (we genuinely had been busy and I had NOT told her she could not see him again).

Good morning.

After a lot of thought I realise that to try and do anything about this will cause even more upset to DGS so this is my last message.

I need you both to realise the damage this is doing to an already struggling little boy. Punishing me is one thing but do you not realise the pain you are doing to DGS? He will be wondering where we are, why he can’t come round, he’ll feel really abandoned, it will be leaving a gap in his life - if you think he won’t then sadly you’re very very wrong.

Obviously if you keep doing this then that is so unfair on him.

Please give our little grandson a massive cuddle and tell him we’re so sorry. Hopefully when he’s older he can make his own decisions, sadly he can’t say it now.

This is your doing over something ridiculous. Please don’t reply, you’ve caused enough pain all round.

Don’t reply.

Just block her on everything.

She will send the flying monkeys in next (Aunty Sylvia will tell you off for upsetting your mum) and if that doesn’t work, she will develop The Mystery Illness.

Seriously, they have a script.

Just give it a thumbs up and ignore her.

oh my word. That message she sent actually had me laugh out loud. NOT because her behaviour is remotely funny, but because it is the exact same tone and almost word for word in places of similar messages I have received from the woman formerly known as my mother. Her toxic behaviour ramped up and up, I kept making excuses, it got worse. I have been no contact then very low contact and now no contact again, it has been over 5 years since I saw her. My life, my mental health and therefore my relationship with my child, have been SO much better. It has been unbelievably painful and difficult. It does get better. I struggled with the guilt of my child not seeing his grandparents- but they would be just as toxic to him eventually.

Unfortunately, with toxic people like this, you can never ever win. Nothing you say or do will ever be enough.

Grey rock - literally no reaction - at the very least is the best way forward. If you can, I'd seriously consider going VERY low or no contact.

Good luck.

She's batshit - but she's given you the out!

Just don't reply. As per her request.

I'd block her to be honest. You don't need to be reading this shite. And with any luck your IBS will improve once the stressful old cow is out of your life! (sorry, don't know if IBS is linked to stress in any way)

The only reasonable response to that last message is a thumbs up emoji.

I'm vvlc with my mother. Speak by text briefly perhaps twice a year. The freedom is well......freeing.

She would unfriend me on Facebook at the drop of a hat too.

Good luck distancing yourself OP.