“I’d like to have your DS today because your DP needs a break and he loves me” - my mum

[NCtoddlerq]

Bit of a backstory here. Always had a weird relationship with my mum, always walked on egg shells around her because I never know when she’s going to snap. Always made to feel guilty even if my feelings are justified and always end up apologising to her to save peace.

Im frequently told what to do, whether it’s me or in regards to my toddler, who is autistic.

Im a working mum, work from home as own business, very strict about my working hours and don’t work weekends. My partner is at home with my son. I take a half day on Friday to spend extra time with him.

I am constantly made to feel bad about this, told my partner is an amazing dad but I’m not a good mum, working when I have an autistic child. If I don’t work we don’t have a roof over our heads, and we’re paying off some debt too.

Anyway, she’s had a cough at night for the past few weeks which is getting her down & she’s been talking about it non-stop and in and out of the doctors. I felt bad for her and I ended up paying an artist to create a lovely drawing for her to surprise her with. She was nice to me for about two days and then things went back to normal snapping at me.

Last night I called her and she immediately asked to see DS. I am in a bad flare up of IBD, rectal bleeding and chronic diarrhoea and yesterday was really weak. I told her I was flaring and she said ‘it’s a tummy bug, it’s not like you need to go to hospital for it is it.’ She then said she was going and hung up the phone.

i sent a message to say that I was really upset about the way she had spoken to me, she read and ignored.

today she has messaged in a group chat with myself and my DP: I’d like to have your DS for a few days.

me: no thank you
her: why not
me: we’re having a family day
her: we’ll I thought your DP could use a break and he loves time with me
me: I am feeling upset by last night, we are spending the day as a family
her: not arguing with you, your DP needs a break
me: I am here with DS so I don’t understand what you’re getting at
her: have a nice day :)

Been feeling angry about it all day because I just feel like a crap mum all the time.

am I being too over sensitive?

it’s almost like they’re not done at all and they’re loving the drama

Yes, good call @Landndialamrhf - it’s like they’re in Eastenders, in the lead roles, a whole storyline all of their own that could run for WEEKS.

Why isn’t she blocked? Seriously OP, you can’t keep exposing yourself to this toxicity.

Wow OP, a parent like and siblings who side with them aren't worth keeping.

She's seeking drama and attention OP, she says she doesn't want you to contact her yet keeps contacting you. Just ignore her. You haven't lost anyone, you have just exposed her to who she really is.

It's easy to say from the outside, but it doesn't seem like much of a loss to have people like this out of your life. Look at that text from your mother, it's pure projection. She's the one manipulating you and your siblings, she's the one destroying her own relationship with her grandson.

I hope your siblings can see what she is doing although it is hard to spot these family dynamics when you're in them. One thing I would say - don't base your view of what they think on what your mother tells you. You know she talks shite.

Honestly the best thing would be to just go on holiday and forget them for a bit. I know quite a lot of people with children with asd or other disabilities and I’m sorry to say being on the receiving end of unpleasantness seems to be a common theme. It’s a bit like when you take your children to the playground and everyone is playing nicely and then there’s always one little fucker who gets tired of being nice and bored and looks for the weakest kid to pick on. I think people do this to mothers of disabled children a lot. You’re a soft target. She can throw your parenting difficulties at you any time in a way you can’t with able children (heck even professionals do that). She can threaten to withdraw support and highlight how kind she’s been and how little you all have, blah blah. The thing is while ds may miss her she is showing herself to be EXACTLY the sort of person he will find hardest to have in his life.

This.

Stop thinking about her.

Start thinking about the type of life you want.

So many people with awful families like this seem addicted to the drama.

If you want a peaceful life, you make one by dropping the rope.

Do not reply.
Do not engage further.

So what if your siblings want and need her drama?
Let them have it.

This is about your life.

If you want your life to be peaceful then stop engaging.

Your children do not need these people in their lives.
No one does.

Stop giving your power to toxic people.

Drop the rope.

Complete silence going forward.

You can do this.
But you have to want it.

OP, I won't go into details as this is your thread, however, my son in law has not seen or spoken to his parents now for the last 4 years over what was essentially a very stupid, drunken (on his dfs part) row. It was the straw that broke the camels back. In that 4 years I have watched my lovely son in law blossom, he is a wonderful father, a good husband and has managed to get himself into a great career path (his df having told him he was 'unemployable')

It has been so hard for him, very sad at times, (christmas, birthdays etc) but my word, he is so much better off without the toxic rantings of 2 horrible people., I don't think he will ever go back now.

They are bound to lash out like this as it's always worked for them on the past.

They expect you to be brought to heel by doing this.

Break the pattern and eventually they might get the message if they have enough emotional intelligence. That's a big if though.

She’s a horrible, crazy twat.

Make a documented timeline of all her insane behaviour. Keep evidence.

She seems vengeful and like she might try to take ‘action’ to hurt you/try to get at your poor, poor son.

Op I haven't seen my dps for over 20 years. It is blissful. Not being bullied or criticised.. Or ignored them pulled back in. My df doesn't even know where I live or how many dc I have. The relief will be like a wave once the shock has worn off. A new you will emerge.

Jeez @NCtoddlerq she’s really gone full throttle hasn’t she?

Everything she accused you of in her (I agree probably drunken) message is projection. That’s how she sees the world and thinks that everyone thinks the same way she does. She must sense you withdrawing with purpose this time hence her recruiting her husband and confronting you unprovoked. This spiteful behaviour is how it escalates when people aren’t fed with someone to play the game against. You’ve realised there’s no victory to be had and it’s all just emotionally draining.

you must be hurting, you’re grieving in a sense, not just due to the recent events but it sounds like you’re making sense of who your mother is as a person which in turn means any hope you carry of her being who you need her to be as your mother are dying/dead too. It’s incredibly painful. But it is the reality of the situation and it’s going to be painful whatever point you’re forced to face that. You haven’t chosen any of this, she’s chosen her reaction to you having a boundary, it was perfectly within her power to back off.

Don’t write off your siblings just yet. Keep the lines of communication open but maybe reduce them. If your mother is following a common pattern she’ll turn on them in the absence of you.

My brother and his wife (my SiL) have similar issues with her Mother, and her manipulation over their Daughter (her DGD). Every couple of years they'll relent a little, because they feel bad about Christmas etc, and its ok for a couple of months and then the comments and attempts at control start again. This toxic merry-go-round has been turning for about 10 years now. It started before her DGD was even born, when she moved nearer after the wedding. The manipulative moron keeps trying to drag us in as supporters, not realising we know exactly what she's like. She's even started telling safeguarding lies about what her DGD has disclosed about her Daddy in attempt to break up their marriage so she can swoop in and replace Daddy in affections!

@SnapPop your Mum simple won't change so please stay strong, don't crumble and don't doubt yourself, else you'll be putting up with this manipulation for the rest of your life. If she sees ANY sign of you wavering even a little she'll see as a weakness and be in like a shot. Do not let her in. Her manipulation will evolve and ramp up. Marriages are hard enough without a loon like her trying her best to take over.

Brother and SiL have very delicately told their Daughter (7) that Nanna doesn't like Daddy that's why she isn't invited to family parties any more. Daughter still sees Nanna (so she doesn't miss out on a relationship) away from family home, but as soon as she's old enough to see what her Mum put up with I'm pretty sure she'll be furious that Nanna treated Mummy so nastily.

Every couple of years they'll relent a little, because they feel bad about Christmas etc, and its ok for a couple of months and then the comments and attempts at control start again.

Yes, I've been through that cycle several times now and always regret it.
Actually it's usually only a couple of days or hours!

I can't deal with the anxiety before, during and after visiting any more unless there's lots of other people around and it's very short.

OP

Please block her (and her husband). Even if only for a day/week.

I'd be SO tempted to text back, 'Drunk AGAIN, mother?'

Then block. 😂

Hope you’re ok @NCtoddlerq x