To take my daughter’s pocket money off her?

[Badabingy]

So yesterday I travelled 300 miles to see my 80 year old dad. He’s frail, and because of the distance (and work/ kids) we don’t see each other often - couple of times a year.
In the middle of lunch with him and my brother/ his family, my phone started to ping. 14 year old daughter and husband had had an argument about her refusing to take the dog out (a dog he conceded in getting on the basis he wasn’t responsible for it). He told her that if she didn’t walk the dog he wouldn’t be paying for her hair to be cut that afternoon. This was an appointment I’d made for her with my own hairdresser. She started to call/ text me constantly (angry rather than upset). I reminded her I was at lunch with her grandad, said she needed to take it up with her dad, and to cancel the appointment if she wasn’t going (I sent her the number). I also told my husband this, and because the angry texts from her were stressing and distracting me I turned my phone off.
She didn’t go to the hairdressers, no one cancelled it, and so I told her her pocket money would be zero until she’s paid for it (I’m going to call the hairdressers tomorrow when they are open and apologise and pay).
Things have escalated today- she’s screamed at me about her pocket money (I ended up taking her phone away), and called me a lazy cow for not organising her birthday party (I’d asked her weeks ago what she wanted to do and it was just last week she actually made a decision- I hadn’t sorted as I’d been at work and then away all yesterday. I told her if she was going to talk to me like that there was no way I was organising or indeed paying for a birthday party- it’s not an entitlement and we already have a day out planned as a family on her actual birthday).
I feel really miserable- things have got completely out of control. I’m really annoyed with my husband too because his bad handling of the situation yesterday led to this, but I’m now the focus of all her anger.
not sure what to do? Maybe I just ride it out.
am I being unreasonable to take her pocket money off her?
(btw I’m not averse to her earning money by doing jobs around the house so it’s not as though she’s got no means to get money if she needs it).

Back up - what arrangements had you made for the dog to be walked?

(assume you mean your husband not your 14 year olds husband)

No YANBU at all. She got the dog based on the fact she would look after it and didn’t stick to her end of the deal. Your husband was right to say he wasn’t paying for her hair appointment. She was acting like a spoiled child and you have every right to be annoyed at her for her behaviour. She should not get her pocket money I took her attitude changes. Your doing the right thing OP as if you don’t parent your child no one else is going to do it for you. Life is hard work and she needs to start realising that.

Sounds like you are doing a good job holding the line with your teenager on what responsible and respectful behaviour looks like. Now just stick to your guns and keep calm about it all. She chose to behave that way and choices have consequences.

I can't believe 20% think you are BU here tbh. Stick to your guns

YANBU. Stick to your guns. She should've just walked the dog.

Losing money is the consequences of her actions and it is only right that she is responsible for putting it right with the hairdresser. Why should the hairdresser or you lose out for her choices?

Her dad told her to walk the dog or he wouldn't pay. She definitely understood this or she wouldn't have called you. Why didn't she walk the dog and what did she think would happen when she chose not to walk the dog?

I just assumed that my husband would walk the dog (either with her without her). He does walk the dog so I really didn’t think it would be an issue. but he gets annoyed when she and our other teenager refuse to go along with him if it’s the weekend. I understand he’s annoyed with them but it just peer me off that he chose a threat that started to impinge on me.

Screaming at you when you weren't there and all she had to do to make it right and get her hair cut was a bloody dog walk would, frankly, make me furious.

That behaviour is spoilt, entitled and selfish.

All she had to do was take the dog for a quick walk, then her dad would have paid for the haircut. He didn't ask for anything unreasonable unless there's more you haven't revealed. Good for him for imposing a consequence. Your daughter was extremely rude and disrespectful to you both. If one of my DDs was rude enough to call me a lazy cow and behave like a spoilt brat she'd have no privileges, no phone, no pocket money and definitely no party organised until she'd apologised to both parents for her attitude.

Stand firm OP. And if she's calm enough to listen you could explain why she needed to let the hairdresser know the appointment was cancelled and how she was inconveniencing/causing a financial loss to others. Plus she wasn't being kind to the dog - is she fond of it? When I was a teenager I complained about lots of things but I never minded walking the dog because I loved him and could tell him my troubles and how unreasonable adults were!

So DD never walks the dog? Seems unfair that husband walks the dog but you mention in your post he only agreed to the dog if he wasn’t responsible for it?

Not being unreasonable at all, sounds like your DH could have handled it all a bit better but at 14 your DD is old enough to understand that:

• she's committed to looking after the dog so needs to walk it
• if she's asked to call and cancel an appt she should do it
• that calling you names and screaming at you will not make you want to spend time and money organising an activity for her.

Totally misses point of thread, but I'm jealous of wherever you are that it's been cool enough to walk the dog during the day 🥵

I think you are doing a good job being firm. Yes she needs to earn the money back to pay the hairdresser.

Don’t give in. It’s an important life lesson.

Ugh
14 is …. hard

It gets better.
There should definitely be consequences for her bad behaviour though.

Why didn't she want to walk the dog?

id make her pay at least some of the cancellation fee for the hairdresser. How much of it depends on how much money she has and the size of the fee.

id be really irked with my husband in this instance. We are facing these kinds of things now too. Mine just escalates things with our 14yo and then I end up dealing with the inevitable fallout.

My DH is struggling with the balance of parenting a 14yo with ASD and doesn’t have my advantage of also being on the spectrum, but I do think it’s a common issue. parents let the situation spiral out of frustration instead of realizing there is no point in arguing with a young teen. Make your point, state the consequence, and then stop. Deal with the impact of the consequence you issued yourself instead of asking other family members to deal with it.

Yes that’s a whole other (related) thing. She will walk the dog sometimes but it’s a battle at times. She just want to do things on her terms. DH actually likes walking the dog but gets frustrated when neither of the kids will come with him.

I'm really torn here - because I firmly believe you shouldn't get a dog with the expectation that a child will do much (if any) of the care and without both parents fully onboard and happy to do the work involved.

If you get a dog, you as parents are ultimately the ones responsible for it's welfare - and unless you agreed that you'd pay for a haircut on the basis that she walked the dog first, I don't think it's fair to punish her for not doing so.

I think your DH shouldn't have put an ultimatum on her at the last minute.

Everyone, thank you for your messages- I’m feeling better just reading them. It’s nice to know others agree and think I’m doing a good job. No one ever really tells us that in ‘real’ life!

I think the pair of them have behaved badly. She shouldn't be involving you, and he should have dealt with the situation better. But would she fuck be getting anything while she's creating like this!

I agree that she's been a brat and clearly has spoken to you like shit but actually I would have expected your husband to cancel the appointment as it was his punishment. Depending on their policy, you probably would have ended up paying anyway at such short notice.

Also, if the explicit arrangement wasn't that she would walk the dog whilst you were out then I think he's on sticky ground here and I don't see it as a proportionate or reasonable consequence.

So, actually I think he should be paying for the missed appointment.

Hair cut cancelled for not walking the dog when presumably she needed one seems a strange punishment tbh I’d be mad at dh for not taking her and not actually cancelling it wasted money.

Id be mega pissed at her however for the way she’s spoken to you.

The thing is - she's 14. It's not her dog, it's yours (and DH's) dog and ultimately it's your responsibility to make sure it's walked and cared for.

I get really frustrated when I see parents buying dogs because their kids have promised to walk it/feed it/pick up after it - common sense should tell you that 14yo's are fickle and aren't going to want to get up early or go out and walk the dog when they could be sleeping or out with friends.

There is two issues here. Firstly, the way your DH allowed the situation to escalate, and saying she had to sort it out with you - even though you weren't even there!

The second is the fact that no-one told the hairdressers so there will probably be a cost involved.

You seem to getting the blame for both, when neither are your fault. But apportioning blame doesn't always help. so you need to resolve the second bit.

Would it help if you messaged her (always found this works rather than always face-to-face) and say you are sorry for her that the appointment didn't happen and you will rearrange, but what does she suggest should happen about the cost of the missed one? Its unfair that the cost falls on you as you weren't even here. What is her suggestion?

You may just get more abuse back, or she may make a suggestion that can worked with.

At 14 she is plenty old enough to learn some responsibility.
Yanbu.

Her dad should pay for the missed appointment - he's the one who placed a last-minute ultimatum on her and was the adult "in charge" of getting her there and paying for it.