To take my daughter’s pocket money off her?

[Badabingy]

So yesterday I travelled 300 miles to see my 80 year old dad. He’s frail, and because of the distance (and work/ kids) we don’t see each other often - couple of times a year.
In the middle of lunch with him and my brother/ his family, my phone started to ping. 14 year old daughter and husband had had an argument about her refusing to take the dog out (a dog he conceded in getting on the basis he wasn’t responsible for it). He told her that if she didn’t walk the dog he wouldn’t be paying for her hair to be cut that afternoon. This was an appointment I’d made for her with my own hairdresser. She started to call/ text me constantly (angry rather than upset). I reminded her I was at lunch with her grandad, said she needed to take it up with her dad, and to cancel the appointment if she wasn’t going (I sent her the number). I also told my husband this, and because the angry texts from her were stressing and distracting me I turned my phone off.
She didn’t go to the hairdressers, no one cancelled it, and so I told her her pocket money would be zero until she’s paid for it (I’m going to call the hairdressers tomorrow when they are open and apologise and pay).
Things have escalated today- she’s screamed at me about her pocket money (I ended up taking her phone away), and called me a lazy cow for not organising her birthday party (I’d asked her weeks ago what she wanted to do and it was just last week she actually made a decision- I hadn’t sorted as I’d been at work and then away all yesterday. I told her if she was going to talk to me like that there was no way I was organising or indeed paying for a birthday party- it’s not an entitlement and we already have a day out planned as a family on her actual birthday).
I feel really miserable- things have got completely out of control. I’m really annoyed with my husband too because his bad handling of the situation yesterday led to this, but I’m now the focus of all her anger.
not sure what to do? Maybe I just ride it out.
am I being unreasonable to take her pocket money off her?
(btw I’m not averse to her earning money by doing jobs around the house so it’s not as though she’s got no means to get money if she needs it).

Why should the teen daughter cancel a hair appointment she wants to go to because her dad has unilaterally decided he won’t pay? If he’s decided she can’t go then he should cancel it. But he was in the wrong to make abrupt threats anyway.

she shouldn’t be rude about her birthday party but the husband owes the hairdresser the cost of the missed appointment.

Her Dad could have cancelled the appointment but really your dd sounds spoiled and entitled. She wanted the dog and agreed to walk it, now she won't walk it. She knows you don't get to see your Dad often and was selfish to disturb you. All kids go through bad patches but I hope her behaviour improves.

She's fourteen years old. Of course she doesn't want to get up and walk the dog.

It makes so angry when people get pets because their child has promised to walk them, or feed them, or clean up after them - it never happens.

Common sense should tell you that you don't get a dog on the whim of a child. They're too young and immature to understand what they're agreeing to and it inevitably always ends up with the parents doing all the work and getting increasingly resentful and angry.

Parents should only get a pet (be that a hamster, a dog or a horse) if they're willing to step up and do everything involved in their care.

That's what I thought despite knowing it would mean she didn't get to go to the hairdressers.

If you have this type of behaviour from her where she actually calls you a lazy cow! Your DH is in the wrong for getting your DD a dog in the first place!

The dog is much loved by all the family (and well cared for- 90% of the time by me). I didn’t realistically expect the children to look after her and I knew I’d be taking on the lions share of this which is fine. My husband wasn’t expecting her to walk the dog on her own, but to accompany him (basically just doing something other than sitting in her bedroom scrolling on TikTok, then expecting a handout of money for her haircut). We definitely didn’t adopt the dog on a whim- it was a ling process and big decision.

My husband wasn’t expecting her to walk the dog on her own, but to accompany him (basically just doing something other than sitting in her bedroom scrolling on TikTok, then expecting a handout of money for her haircut

A haircut isn't a treat though? It's a normal part of life and as parents there is a responsibility to your children in that respect. I mentioned upthread how ridiculous he was to try and bargain over a haircut but you seem to have the same attitude.

There are so many other consequences and punishments.

My husband wasn’t expecting her to walk the dog on her own, but to accompany him (basically just doing something other than sitting in her bedroom scrolling on TikTok, then expecting a handout of money for her haircut).

I understand that, but as the haircut wasn't booked on the proviso that she walked the dog first, I think your husband was unfair to pick that as a consequence.

If he didn't want her scrolling her phone all day, why not take the phone off her?

Good grief. I would say it's perfectly reasonable for her father to request she helps to walk the dog (without "prior notice") and put in place a sanction for her rudeness and refusal. It's hardly a big ask.

The hairdresser threat was a bit of a silly one because cancelling on the day would always have been unfair to the hairdresser and you'd expect to incur the cost anyway - I assume he expected it would have the desired effect and he wouldn't have to follow through, but a silly threat nonetheless. And he should have contacted the hairdresser himself.

But I think you're absolutely in the right for following through with consequences for her behaviour, it's a shame that you're getting all the grief from her though.

Also a bit baffled by the idea that a teen can never be expected to be responsible or to look after an animal. I was allowed to get a pony when I was 14 on the proviso I did all the care and also got a job to help pay the bills, and I absolutely did...

A haircut at a salon isn’t a treat for a 14 year old girl? Simple cut and blow dry where I live starts at £35. That’s a lot of money if she’s getting it cut every 8 weeks.

My nan trimmed my hair for me until I was able to pay for my own salon appointments.

I'm sorry your dh is the one who shoulda stepped up in the first place, the dog walking argument should never have been elevated to involve you, he shoulda sorted it

Did you have the confidence to call your mother a lazy cow though?

I think you've completely missed the point as to why posters are saying they shouldn't of got DD the dog.

Also a bit baffled by the idea that a teen can never be expected to be responsible or to look after an animal. I was allowed to get a pony when I was 14 on the proviso I did all the care and also got a job to help pay the bills, and I absolutely did...

But the point people are making is that ultimately, a minor cannot be held responsible for the welfare of an animal. Any parent buying an animal for their minor child is agreeing to take full responsibility for for that animal.

At 14, you can't legally be held responsible for a pet - you can't take out insurance or agree to surgery or be taken to court if it causes an accident. You may have agreed to do the care but if you'd refused or been unable for some reason, your parents would have had to step up and either take over or sell the pony.

My son walks the dogs. He's 16 and has been walking them every day for 3 years. He loves them. He brushes them both too. Not all kids are irresponsible. Some understand if they want a pet they make a commitment to that pet. Parents back up their commitment.

This. YABVU (I have a 14 year old and would never have treated them like that).

I don’t think anyone is saying the teen should be legally responsible for the dog 😂
But she should have some responsibility like feeding or walking the dog. Obviously adults have overall responsibility for buying the food, taking to vet if sick etc but if children want pets they should take an active role in the day to day care. It’s good for children to have responsibility.

I don’t think anyone is saying the teen should be legally responsible for the dog 😂 But she should have some responsibility like feeding or walking the dog. Obviously adults have overall responsibility for buying the food, taking to vet if sick etc but if children want pets they should take an active role in the day to day care. It’s good for children to have responsibility.

Again, you're missing the point 🙈

Children agree to do lots of things when there's a cute puppy or kitten or pony involved. They promise to walk it and feed it and pick up the poos but any sensible parent knows that they're the ones who are going to end doing most of the work - if not all of it.

Saying "she wanted the dog so she needs to walk it" is a silly argument when ultimately it was your choice as the adult to buy the dog - not hers.

The legal responsibility lies with the adult for a damn good reason - because children are immature and fickle and don't understand what "getting a dog" actually entails.

There’s quite a few things going on in this post and the dog and who’s responsible for its care seems secondary . Making someone else (child DD) responsible for your decisions ( adult parents choosing to get dog ) . Interrupting you and creating chaos when your focus is on someone else ( your DH). Issuing a sanction without notice (DH) which has a wider spiralling effect on others and then forcing others (you, DD, hairdresser)
to implement it /deal with the fallout.
.My read is that basically your DH couldn’t control your DD so he attempted to manipulate her by moving the goal posts. Is this a once off or a pattern in general? I am assuming that at no time before had you linked the hair appointment to the dog walking. Has your DD has ever been punished before for not walking the dog or was this the first time ? . It seems your DH couldn’t force your DD to walk the dog or to go on the walk with him( that’s also reads like lower level control in the context of this thread, forcing the kids to go along ,to make a point )so he drew out the big guns and refused to facilitate the hairdresser but left you and your DD to actually enforce the punishment ( cancel the hair dresser, pay the fee ). A serious question -will this encourage your DD to take responsibility or ‘consequences’ if it’s most likely that the only lesson she has learnt is that she is powerless? The lashing out and resentment is likely frustration and the birthday party stuff could be because she feels vulnerable and is using this as evidence that you don’t care/ support her and wants reassurance that you do ( the party ). In the long run , a conversation with listening on both sides might help more with your DD than financial punishment. The conversation shouldn’t be about who’s to blame but rather what you all have learnt from this. Your DD is 14, it’s your responsibility to help her become a responsible adult but also a well adjusted adult. Using power and punishment is probably not going to be helpful in the long run.
As for your DH another conversation- expectations for helping with the dog should be clear, consistent and realistic and his use of sanctions in general should be proportionate, meaningful and enforced by him. Not you. Not your DD . Expecting a 14 year to ring to cancel an appointment is ridiculous and sets her up to fail so that she can be punished even further by withdrawing her pocket money. Linking a hair cut to the dog walking was unexpected and disproportionate. Come to an agreement as to what your DD should be doing with the dog but make it achievable and small - brushing or feeding also acts of caring and responsibility -and leave the toxic walking to your DH ( as an aside , few 14 year olds want to be out walking with their parent ). However, I agree with other posters that you chose to get the dog and it is ultimately your responsibility - you should not have made an adult decision conditional on a child’s ‘good’ behaviour, that’s a whole other set of issues.
You mentioned you were away with an elderly relative when this blew up. Is this a once off or have similar incidents happened while you were away/ putting yourself or others first - don’t want to extrapolate from your post

My son walks the dogs. He's 16 and has been walking them every day for 3 years. He loves them. He brushes them both too. Not all kids are irresponsible. Some understand if they want a pet they make a commitment to that pet. Parents back up their commitment

I'm not saying all kids are irresponsible.

I'm saying that as an adult, you don't buy a pet unless you're willing and able to take on full responsibility for it. It's great that your son walks the dogs and loves the dogs - but if he leaves home in two years to go to university, you're ultimately going to be the one stuck doing all the care.

All she had to do was take the dog for a quick walk, then her dad would have paid for the haircut. He didn't ask for anything unreasonable unless there's more you haven't revealed. Good for him for imposing a consequence. Your daughter was extremely rude and disrespectful to you both. If one of my DDs was rude enough to call me a lazy cow and behave like a spoilt brat she'd have no privileges, no phone, no pocket money and definitely no party organised until she'd apologised to both parents for her attitude.
Stand firm OP. And if she's calm enough to listen you could explain why she needed to let the hairdresser know the appointment was cancelled and how she was inconveniencing/causing a financial loss to others. Plus she wasn't being kind to the dog - is she fond of it? When I was a teenager I complained about lots of things but I never minded walking the dog because I loved him and could tell him my troubles and how unreasonable adults were!

This in spades! She'd be getting nowt but grounded in my house I'd not allow anyone to call me a lazy cow, certainly not my own entitled, teenage brat. She'd be spending her time in her room, apart from meals, with no phone, no entertainment of any kind except for homework and she'd stay there until she decided to be a civilised human being.

Certainly no party would be happening, whatever apologies I got. I wouldn't want her learning that she could talk to me like dirt then just say sorry and still get what she wanted.

Both you and your dh could have stopped this escalating

No it was obviously OP and her DH who ultimately chose to get the dog. They have overall responsibility for the dog. BUT if the DH asked her to walk the dog how is that an unreasonable request?? At 14 she should be doing chores, hoovering, tidying up her own room, etc DH was the parent in charge.

@Luxell934

A haircut at a salon isn’t a treat for a 14 year old girl? Simple cut and blow dry where I live starts at £35. That’s a lot of money if she’s getting it cut every 8 weeks.

It's a haircut, not a trip to the movies.

An absolute bizarre punishment which ultimately affected the hairdresser more than the DD.

No it was obviously OP and her DH who ultimately chose to get the dog. They have overall responsibility for the dog. BUT if the DH asked her to walk the dog how is that an unreasonable request?? At 14 she should be doing chores, hoovering, tidying up her own room, etc DH was the parent in charge.

It's not an unreasonable request.

What's unreasonable is linking it to getting her hair cut and then making her pay for the missed haircut by docking her pocket money. Especially when the hair cut was never originally booked on the proviso that the dog had to be walked first.

Her dad could have taken away her phone, limited her screen time, grounded her or docked her pocket money without messing around with cancelling haircuts and issuing silly ultimatums that ultimately have to do with the dog being walked.

My internet is very slow so missed a list of updates particularly yours OP- I admit I’m looking at this thorough a jaded lense but you have now been clearly cast into the role of the bad guy here haven’t you? Your DH blew up while you were in away in a emotionally charged situation visiting an elderly relative, issued a widely off the mark sanction banning something you had arranged ( not something linked to him) , got you to agree that your DD is to blame and left you to deal with all the fallout (enforcement of punishment, potentially damaging your relationship with your hairdresser and leaving you to make amends, withholding pocket money) and now is the good guy again and you’re not . I do not wish to extrapolate that this is toxic behaviour but it may be useful to take note and see if there’s a pattern emerging . Also , while it’s hard to judge from a few posts , your DD could be more confident at being angry with you because she trusts you more and therefore is even angrier with you for your role in this , whereas she wants to win back your DH favour as it’s less reliable - again speculation , you know better if this is a once off, an argument on a hot day that blew up, just part of the joyful experience of parenting teenagers, or if it could reveal a series of small but niggling incidents that one day add up to a whole lot more.

Definitely too hot all this week near me