To take my daughter’s pocket money off her?

[Badabingy]

So yesterday I travelled 300 miles to see my 80 year old dad. He’s frail, and because of the distance (and work/ kids) we don’t see each other often - couple of times a year.
In the middle of lunch with him and my brother/ his family, my phone started to ping. 14 year old daughter and husband had had an argument about her refusing to take the dog out (a dog he conceded in getting on the basis he wasn’t responsible for it). He told her that if she didn’t walk the dog he wouldn’t be paying for her hair to be cut that afternoon. This was an appointment I’d made for her with my own hairdresser. She started to call/ text me constantly (angry rather than upset). I reminded her I was at lunch with her grandad, said she needed to take it up with her dad, and to cancel the appointment if she wasn’t going (I sent her the number). I also told my husband this, and because the angry texts from her were stressing and distracting me I turned my phone off.
She didn’t go to the hairdressers, no one cancelled it, and so I told her her pocket money would be zero until she’s paid for it (I’m going to call the hairdressers tomorrow when they are open and apologise and pay).
Things have escalated today- she’s screamed at me about her pocket money (I ended up taking her phone away), and called me a lazy cow for not organising her birthday party (I’d asked her weeks ago what she wanted to do and it was just last week she actually made a decision- I hadn’t sorted as I’d been at work and then away all yesterday. I told her if she was going to talk to me like that there was no way I was organising or indeed paying for a birthday party- it’s not an entitlement and we already have a day out planned as a family on her actual birthday).
I feel really miserable- things have got completely out of control. I’m really annoyed with my husband too because his bad handling of the situation yesterday led to this, but I’m now the focus of all her anger.
not sure what to do? Maybe I just ride it out.
am I being unreasonable to take her pocket money off her?
(btw I’m not averse to her earning money by doing jobs around the house so it’s not as though she’s got no means to get money if she needs it).

I agree with all of this!

That might well be her suggestion!

Action and consequence.

She was asked to walk the dog otherwise he wouldn't take her to the hair appointment - she made her choice, and your OH followed through with his threat.

You told her she needed to cancel the hair appointment - again she made her choice, so deducting it from her pocket money is more than fair.

Being consistent with action and consequence is GOOD parenting. it's the best way for teenagers to have to take responsibility for their own actions.

I have a dd the same age. It’s rubbish that he decided to do something, which would have an impact on you. Why can’t he call and pay over the phone? All he has to say is he forgot and you were away. No drama. As for your dd, maybe she should pay half the fee. This recognises she wasn’t solely responsible for what happened as her dad should have ensured the appointment was cancelled.

you're doing the right thing.

And sometimes doing the right thing is very uncomfortable because you're met with drama and temper tantrums.

But you're teaching her how to be a decent human being who honours her commitments to other people, whether it's a hairdresser who was kept waiting and lost out on a slot they could have given another client, or her parents who expect her to muck in and help out.

You're teaching her that her actions can hurt others and you can't just flake on people and throw a hissy fit when you're held accountable.

Stick to your guns. It;s hard and feels terrible when your kid is raging at you but she'll be a much nicer adult in ten years' time if you stay strong.

Sounds like you're husband is the problem and caused all the drama and frustration. She's a 14 year old child.

I think your husband has to take some responsibility for this, he put in the sanction that the hairdressers couldn’t happen. Has your daughter made phone calls to cancel things before? This would have scared me at 14, would the hairdresser shout at me? Would I be in more trouble? I may have also thought I’m not cancelling it when it is something I wanted to do? Your husband was the adult and should have made sure that any consequence did not impact on other people. I think the suggestion of paying half is a good idea.
As for the abusive way she has been speaking to, that’s not okay but is it part of the way she is feeling at the moment. A consequence needs to be put in place for this otherwise she won’t see that it’s not okay

Sounds like he couldn't be bothered to walk the dog so put it on her. I feel sorry for her.

See I think your DH was out of order here. He’s the grown up here, and should have made sure she got to the appointment. He is the one responsible for dog in your absence. It’s his fault she missed the appointment.

Even if she had phoned and cancelled you would still have to go and pay your hairdresser.

So no, I don’t think your DD should loose her pocket money because your DH was being a dick.

I completely disagree.

Unless the original arrangement was "I'll only pay for your hair appointment if you walk the dog first", it was really shitty of her dad to change the goalposts at the last minute.

If he wanted her to walk the dog, he shouldn't have used a hair appointment (that was already booked and organised by the other parent) as a carrot/stick type reward/punishment.

You're doing a really good job. It's so hard when you're in the thick of it not knowing if you are raising a little brat or being too harsh but I think you've responded really well to her behaviour. Parenting teen girls is a nightmare. I was a nightmare as a teenage girl and tbh I do wish I'd had more firm boundaries as I had some very tough lessons to learn as an adult navigating the world of work/friendships.

This will be a strong lesson to DD, and one she's sorely in need of. Better to have the showdown now over a missed appointment and walking the dog, "safe" problems. It might spare all of you far worse confrontations later.

Stick to your guns.

What lesson?

That her dad can change the goalposts at the last minute and if she doesn't comply, she misses her (pre-arranged) activity and has to pay for it?

Sounds like a pretty shit life lesson to me.

I don't agree your DH is in the wrong here, he asked your DD to walk the dog. Perfectly reasonable request, pets are a great way of having children become responsible. At 14 she should be helping around the house with chores or walking the dog.

Why is she trying to play you off against each other? If dad has said "do x or consequence is y" then she shouldn't be calling mum to try to get you to undermine this.

I don't think your DH is in the wrong for following through on his words.

Yup the lesson was man with money says you do this or else you miss thing that was pre arranged and not originally on a this for that basis.

Don't be annoyed at DH.

He was left in charge as the parent. He made a decision and a valid one.

Your teen is reacting this way because she's a teenager and can't believe someone had the audacity to hold her to account for her own bad choices!

I'd simply look her in the eye now and say "when you have decided to spend some time talking to me with respect I will re visit the discussion re your birthday party".

And if it's her dog and she agreed to care for it I'd start by telling her that she will only get it when she's completed her chores including walking the dog!

Her dad changed the goalposts at the last minute. Instead of just paying for her hair appointment as agreed, he told her she had to walk the dog first or he would refuse to pay. That's really shitty behaviour from him.

So she wasn't playing them off against each other. She was upset with her dad and contacted her mum because her mum was the one to book the original appointment.

I think not letting her have her hair cut is a very strange punishment, your husband has escalated the situation massively. And if he likes taking the dog for a walk why does he insist that the children go with him. Walking with an unhappy sulky teenager is not much fun!
You are not being unreasonable to punish her for the way she spoke to you but I do think your husband is also to blame for the situation.
Also you can never rely on children go look after a pet it will always be down to the adults in the house

Absolutely this, can't believe the pandering to her temper tantrum. Are people honestly saying a teen can't have a sanction for shitty behaviour unless it was agreed first?

This response baffles me.

He doesn't get to change the goalposts at the last minute when he wasn't the one to book the original appointment. That's abusing your position as a parent for no reason.

If he wanted her to walk the dog (which is a fair enough chore) and she refused, he should have picked a consequence that didn't inconvenience his wife and cost them money.

Just another person here to tell you that you are absolutely doing the right thing!

And if it's her dog and she agreed
OP didn't say it was her dog. She just said DH only agreed to have the dog if he didn't have to do anything. There is another teenager in the house and OP so presumably it's shared between them all.

Of course she can have a sanction for shitty behaviour.

But unless the original arrangement was "I'll pay for your hair appointment as long as you walk the dog first", it's hugely unfair to change the goalposts with only a few hours to go.

He could have picked any other consequence - no phone, no pocket money, no screen time, being grounded for a week - whatever. But in this case, he picked a consequence with financial implications so he should be the one shouldering the cost of that.

And it's not her dog - she's 14. Legally she can't be responsible for any pet.

Any animal in the house is ultimately the responsibility of the parents. You can't put the responsibility of pet ownership on the shoulders of a 14yo child.