To take my daughter’s pocket money off her?

[Badabingy]

So yesterday I travelled 300 miles to see my 80 year old dad. He’s frail, and because of the distance (and work/ kids) we don’t see each other often - couple of times a year.
In the middle of lunch with him and my brother/ his family, my phone started to ping. 14 year old daughter and husband had had an argument about her refusing to take the dog out (a dog he conceded in getting on the basis he wasn’t responsible for it). He told her that if she didn’t walk the dog he wouldn’t be paying for her hair to be cut that afternoon. This was an appointment I’d made for her with my own hairdresser. She started to call/ text me constantly (angry rather than upset). I reminded her I was at lunch with her grandad, said she needed to take it up with her dad, and to cancel the appointment if she wasn’t going (I sent her the number). I also told my husband this, and because the angry texts from her were stressing and distracting me I turned my phone off.
She didn’t go to the hairdressers, no one cancelled it, and so I told her her pocket money would be zero until she’s paid for it (I’m going to call the hairdressers tomorrow when they are open and apologise and pay).
Things have escalated today- she’s screamed at me about her pocket money (I ended up taking her phone away), and called me a lazy cow for not organising her birthday party (I’d asked her weeks ago what she wanted to do and it was just last week she actually made a decision- I hadn’t sorted as I’d been at work and then away all yesterday. I told her if she was going to talk to me like that there was no way I was organising or indeed paying for a birthday party- it’s not an entitlement and we already have a day out planned as a family on her actual birthday).
I feel really miserable- things have got completely out of control. I’m really annoyed with my husband too because his bad handling of the situation yesterday led to this, but I’m now the focus of all her anger.
not sure what to do? Maybe I just ride it out.
am I being unreasonable to take her pocket money off her?
(btw I’m not averse to her earning money by doing jobs around the house so it’s not as though she’s got no means to get money if she needs it).

So if you asked your teenager to do a chore and they got moody and refused what would you suggest?

Off track...but No dog should be walked in this heat after 0700hrs or before it's cooled right down.
Apologies if you are in a cool area.
Teenage hormones! Good luck.

I think any high ground or leeway she may have had went straight out the window when she shouted and called you a lazy cow.

Being 14 isn’t a free pass. I would never have said that to my mum.

Let her sulk, don't pander to her and enjoy the peace while it lasts!

And when I was 14 I was getting up at 6am to walk my dog before school and throughout the holidays because my parents said I had to. I also had to feed her when I got in from school. Never occurred to me to ring my mam and scream down the phone at her about it. Partly because she'd clip me but mainly because it wasn't unreasonable.

she sounds an insufferable brat - stick to what you've told her.
& if you're still fed up, the dog will probably give you a cuddle.

Your husband should be backing you up. He's not her mate he's her father. I'd be angry if mine did this

Personally I think your husband was really nasty to say he wouldn’t pay for her hair cut. I don’t see the link between the two events and I don’t see why a small business owner should suffer because he’s realised his DD is a person and not a robot he can control. Doubly mortifying that it’s your hairdresser too, OP. It was too hot to walk a dog midday this weekend anyway, so completely something your DH could have avoided.

I wouldn't take her pocket money for not walking the dog at lunchtime when it's so hot. She could do that later. But I would for calling me a bitch. She's taking you for granted OP. That's really poor behaviour from her.

whats the situation like at home now? You must be stuck between two similar sounding strong headed people. If you didn't have work id stay with your family!

I think its him I'd be pissed off at more...

His responsibility to discipline in a way that is effective and practical.

Making her miss an appointment that will still cost you money is neither.

Then making her pay for it... she's already been punished for not walking the dog by not having her hair cut.... so now she's being punished for not having her hair cut too.... lose lose situation.

It sounds like it is your dog, and he picked a battle he knew he wouldn't actually win in trying to bully her into walking the dog with him when she was doing something else so would not want to.

Suddenly springing extra conditions on things at the last minute and backing a teenager into a corner over such things is a foolish pursuit.

I think you've all handled this badly, her included but she does at least have the viable excuse that she is a hormonal adolescent - you and your DH are presumably, not!

Is a 14 year old child not capable of taking a dog for a walk? That was all she had to do, he didn't ask her to work down a mine.

Bollocks. Of course you don't get a dog on the whim of a child but at the same time, walking the dog is a family task and sometimes a teenager will be asked to do it as part of being in the family. Sounds like this girl wasn't even expected to walk the dog on her own!

OP your DD was being awful and still is. Your husband is a twat for threatening a punishment that impacted negatively on you. Does he accept that?

She was told to cancel the appointment if she wasn't going. She didn't. She should feel the consequence of that.

@WiddlinDiddlin I agree.
@WilkinsonM why would DD cancel her own appointment your saying it like it was a positive thing to do. Like the other poster has pointed out!

Bollocks. Of course you don't get a dog on the whim of a child but at the same time, walking the dog is a family task and sometimes a teenager will be asked to do it as part of being in the family. Sounds like this girl wasn't even expected to walk the dog on her own!

Again, for what feels like the hundredth time, I don't disagree with you. Dog walking is a household chore in the same way as vacuuming or loading the dishwasher.

What I do disagree with is the way OP has said she expects her daughter to want to walk the dog and to show interest in it because she's the one who asked it. She's fourteen - of course she doesn't want to waste her Sunday morning walking the dog anymore than she wants to spend it tidying her room or doing homework.

I also disagree with the way the DH handled the situation - trying to force her to walk the dog or she'd have to cancel and pay for a hair appointment she didn't even make in the first place! The whole thing makes no sense.

If she was refusing to walk the dog, why not pick any other number of consequences?

She was told to cancel the appointment if she wasn't going. She didn't. She should feel the consequence of that.

Why would she ring and cancel an appointment she didn't even make in the first place, and that she was quite happy to go to?

Her dad should ring and cancel if he wants to issue stupid punishments. His choice to refuse to take her - he's the one who should be cancelling and paying the hairdresser for the inconvenience, not her.

It's not about whether the child should have walked the dig or not, it's about your dh not taking control of the situation so that the 2nd parent 300 miles away didn't need to get involved, he's a twat

*dog

Was it even enough notice to cancel, and not have pay?

No. That's the whole point of the thread - OP is taking the pocket money from her to pay for the missed appointment

I think how you handled it initially was perfect. DH was there so he should have taken the parenting decisions. I wouldn't then have waded in when you got back.

I'd tell her next time she comes and visits her DGD - which surely she should be doing a few times a year anyway.

But sympathies it is hard, particularly when they play off one DP against the other. I've just secretly given DS17 some money for a break with friends as I know DH will just kick off about it , so I'm hardly one to talk.

Also sounds like your DH deliberately escalated things. Did he really need DD to walk the dog with him as she was already going out to hairdressers so wouldn't have been sat in her room all day anyway?

I would see how much hairdressers will charge and take it from there. I don't think either your DH or your DD acted particularly well and you shouldn't have got involved after the event, so if there is a way to draw a line under the event I'd try for that.

Only on mumsnet would a father issuing a consequence and following through be deemed as 'the issue'

Your husband did nothing wrong and your daughter is acting awfully, hold firm.

His sex is irrelevant.

He picked a stupid punishment that impacted multiple people rather than one that would only impact his DD.

I think maybe the issue was driving her to the appointment not getting the hair cut itself. 'If you don't get off that phone you can forget about a lift to your appointment..' in hindsight it seems unrelated but I'm sure it was an instant decision not some long thought out consequence. Probably cos she was being a stroppy brat ignoring him. I do find 'walk with me' to be a bit odd. I'd walk over hot coals before with my Dad at that age. Absolutely no excuse for how she treated you OP.

I am gobsmacked by posters who say she is too young to make a phone call - I get the argument that she shouldn't have to but that's different. If anyone at 14 is incapable of making an appointment related phone call then I think you have much greater problems.

She's a brat. U did the right thing. Don't give in