To take my daughter’s pocket money off her?

[Badabingy]

So yesterday I travelled 300 miles to see my 80 year old dad. He’s frail, and because of the distance (and work/ kids) we don’t see each other often - couple of times a year.
In the middle of lunch with him and my brother/ his family, my phone started to ping. 14 year old daughter and husband had had an argument about her refusing to take the dog out (a dog he conceded in getting on the basis he wasn’t responsible for it). He told her that if she didn’t walk the dog he wouldn’t be paying for her hair to be cut that afternoon. This was an appointment I’d made for her with my own hairdresser. She started to call/ text me constantly (angry rather than upset). I reminded her I was at lunch with her grandad, said she needed to take it up with her dad, and to cancel the appointment if she wasn’t going (I sent her the number). I also told my husband this, and because the angry texts from her were stressing and distracting me I turned my phone off.
She didn’t go to the hairdressers, no one cancelled it, and so I told her her pocket money would be zero until she’s paid for it (I’m going to call the hairdressers tomorrow when they are open and apologise and pay).
Things have escalated today- she’s screamed at me about her pocket money (I ended up taking her phone away), and called me a lazy cow for not organising her birthday party (I’d asked her weeks ago what she wanted to do and it was just last week she actually made a decision- I hadn’t sorted as I’d been at work and then away all yesterday. I told her if she was going to talk to me like that there was no way I was organising or indeed paying for a birthday party- it’s not an entitlement and we already have a day out planned as a family on her actual birthday).
I feel really miserable- things have got completely out of control. I’m really annoyed with my husband too because his bad handling of the situation yesterday led to this, but I’m now the focus of all her anger.
not sure what to do? Maybe I just ride it out.
am I being unreasonable to take her pocket money off her?
(btw I’m not averse to her earning money by doing jobs around the house so it’s not as though she’s got no means to get money if she needs it).

I think your husband should have ultimately taken control - and cancelling a hair appointment at the last minute is really really rude!

He shouldn't have made a threat that involved the hairdresser losing out - and if he had, he should have called and cancelled.

Surely a few hours in advance is just bad manners and unfair on the hairdresser?

It's a bit odd your DH tries to insist she comes WITH him to walk the dog. At 14 she may not want to spend time with her dad. Walking it on her own when he doesn't want to would make more sense.

I agree. I’ve seen it so many times with families we know, and the result has been the same every time. A family living with a dog they resent and don’t provide adequate care for, and a huge strain on the parent/ child relationship.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. Her entitled behaviour will be worse next time if you cave in now. Stay strong and good luck.

My dd was like this from about the age of 16 upwards she could be dramatic over nothing, rude sulky thought we'd ride it out. No reasoning /talking with her, she hated me with a passion and then it extended to her siblings, it continued on until she left home at 25 to move in her bf. NT but very immature.
She has cut her whole family out of her life, her choice.
I don't have time for drama from anybody least of all family.

@@Badabingy

why? Why does he need one if your teenagers to walk the dog WITH him??

if he enjoys walking the dog, why couldn't he have just walked the dog instead of giving your hairdresser a 'no show' and the whole thing impacting on your time with your Dad??

id be MORE annoyed with him than a 14yo.

though if she'd called me a cow etc, she'd have no phone, no picket money, no oriveledges At All until she apologised off her own bat. Certainly no birthday party.

how would she feel if you were to suggest rehoming the dog (I'm not saying you should, just how would she take it??)

I'd want to know exact;y why she is refusing to walk the dog when she presumably wanted it and said she would walk it and why she didn't cancel the appointment when you told her to if she wasn't going. She's 14 years old, not 6 and there was nothing wrong with what you or DH did. Going for a walk with the dog 'last minute' is not a big or unreasonable ask.

I'd say this is the point where she starts needing to take a more responsibility - making her breakfast and lunch if she isn't already, doing her own washing, walking the dog on her own at a set time every day (or at least every weekend) etc

It sounds like she's starting to turn into an entitled, spoilt brat and I've found the best thing for that is more routine responsibility (ie having to do something every day or every weekend) and more independence.

Well done OP don't doubt yourself. It's no joke parenting teenagers.

Question - was the deal she had to walk the dog with her Dad or could she walk it alone. Was there some reason he wouldn't let her walk the dog? I would have hated walking with my Dad at that age

Why didn’t your teenagers go with you to visit their grandad if you only see him a few times a year?
and yanbu - she sounds awful.

I think your husband was bloody ridiculous to try to use the hair appointment as a bargaining tool. All that happened was the hairdresser was left without a client. That's completely unfair. There could have been so many things he could have used as a punishment.

Her behaviour isn't good but your husband could have dealt with it much better, both initially and now - why is it all down to you to sort out?

I'd want to know exact;y why she is refusing to walk the dog when she presumably wanted it and said she would walk it and why she didn't cancel the appointment when you told her to if she wasn't going. She's 14 years old, not 6 and there was nothing wrong with what you or DH did. Going for a walk with the dog 'last minute' is not a big or unreasonable ask.

I mean, you've answered your own question - she's 14. She's way too young to take on the responsibility of a dog, no matter how much she claims to have wanted it.

I agree there's nothing wrong with being asked to walk the dog - what is wrong is that her refusal meant she missed out on her hair appointment and is now being asked to stump up the cost of it.

Asking someone to walk a dog isn't "changing the goalposts"

It's asking a teen to take responsibility for a dog that she wanted and agreed to care for.

She refused to pull her weight so he told her if she didn't do her part he wasn't taking her to the hairdresser.

No wonder kids nowadays have such bad problems with consequences.

Apparently they needed written notice in advance of doing anything.

He only asked her to walk the dog. An everyday chore. Not an unreasonable request and it's not moving the goalposts as it needs doing daily and she knows this!

Asking someone to walk a dog isn't "changing the goalposts"

I completely disagree @itsgettingweird - It's changing the goalposts because when the haircut was booked, she wasn't told she had to walk the dog first in order for her to get her hair cut paid for.

It's asking a teen to take responsibility for a dog that she wanted and agreed to care for.

Which is completely unreasonable in the first place. You don't get a dog based on the fact that a child agrees to walk it and care for it - you get a dog because you as the parents want a dog and are willing to do all the work involved.

She refused to pull her weight so he told her if she didn't do her part he wasn't taking her to the hairdresser.

Yep - so as he decided on that consequence, he should be the one to reimburse the hairdresser. He could have picked any number of consequences that didn't involve someone else being messed around.

No wonder kids nowadays have such bad problems with consequences. Apparently they needed written notice in advance of doing anything.

Except nobody has said that. If he was only ever going to pay for her haircut if she walked the dog, that should have been made clear upfront, not dropped on her with a couple of hours to go.

He only asked her to walk the dog. An everyday chore. Not an unreasonable request and it's not moving the goalposts as it needs doing daily and she knows this!

I agree that being asked to walk the dog isn't unreasonable. That doesn't mean she should be forced to or else she has to pay for a hair appointment that someone else arranged for her.

Tough. DH said she needed to walk the dog before hair appointment.

The way your DD reacted was out of order, maybe if she called you and spoke to you like a respected human being this wouldn't of escalated? Screaming and calling the mother a lazy cow? Not a bloody chance. Girl needs some manners and tough love. Nothing in life comes easy.

I'd be trying to get her side when she's calmed down. And wondering if DH escalated things. Did he insist on a specific time when she wanted to do it later for example, was she doing something else she wanted to finish. And was his attitude towards her something that contributed to her anger. This wouldn't excuse her behaviour but would help to understand it. I'd be very annoyed with DH for deciding this as a consequence and then not cancelling the appt, I'd be super annoyed about that. He is the adult in that situation. It would have been good if DD had cancelled but presumably she was angry and is still a child. He is a grown adult that left a hairdresser with no appt and OP is now having to pick up the pieces. Is he usually this selfish and stubborn because if he is that would help to explain why DD reacted to him in the way that she did. No excuses for the way she spoke to you OP but I imagine she was still really angry for being given an ultimatum and told she would lose her hair appt as a result. I imagine it feels really unfair and that you are reinforcing the unfairness. I'm not saying her perspective is right but trying to understand it is key to repairing your relationship with her.

I totally agree. The dog isn’t her responsibility but she is expected to show an interest in it and swore before we got it that she would do so. I walk it every day unless I’m elsewhere. My husbands frustration was that he wanted her to walk it with him, but she couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.

The even more frustrating thing is she’s now point blank ignoring me while laughing and joking with him😩.

Yep I’m with you too. A dog walk is small fry task and should be done with a grumble only, if that. The reaction (shooting, name calling, rudeness) justifies phone sanction too. But I agree that it should have been dads issue to sort, not yours. Are you on the same parenting page usually?

my daughter just had a friend over today and she stayed for dinner. I called her down to help set the table and she was arsey from there. I warned her not to make a scene with her friend there as I wouldn’t tolerate rudeness or entitlement even if it meant calling it out in front of her friend. She was arsey all through dinner. We called it out. It was very awkward. She left the table taking just their plates and leaving us to clear away. And then wondered why I said ‘don’t invite anyone again until your manners improve’. The resulting ding dong resulted in her phone being removed. I hate it but I just think we have to follow through so they know there are boundaries and lines over which you can’t step without consequences. I’ve learned the hard way that making a threat and not carrying it out is actually worse than no consequence - because you appear weak and they will capitalise on it.

good luck!

No wonder the behaviour in school is bad when asking a teen to walk the dog without prior written warning is seen as such an awful thing.

I'm glad I raised my ds with boundaries and with an expectation that a small request should be accommodated if he wanted his requests accommodated too.

I honestly despair.

Although at least most posters in this thread don't think expecting a teen to do something simple like walking the dog before getting an expensive haircut is beyond reasonable.

OP ignore them back it's a shame that she can't discuss getting a or th day worth because she won't speak to you. She'll soon learn!

Excellent. If she is laughing and joking with him, he can pay for the missed appt AND arrange the birthday party. Sorted!

Well, more fool you then really. You should have known better.

There's nothing wrong with asking a teenager to walk the dog.

But it's not okay to decide, last minute, that she has to walk the dog otherwise she has to miss (and pay for) a hair appointment booked for her by her parent.

Teenagers will rarely take responsibility for the care of an animal. Regardless of what they say.
DH was a twit to try and threaten her into the walk. He walks the dog anyway.
To drag you into it was stupid. Is DH often this much of a PITA?

To add to this, I appreciate you walk him but that's what you signed up for when you got a dog. Your DD didn't sign up for that because she's a child and too young to make that decision.

There's a reason 14 year olds aren't allowed to buy, insure and be legally responsible for living animals.

I would be doing no pocket money, and no party. Reconsider rehoming the dog if she is not going to take responsibility for it either. The way she is speaking to you is unacceptable. I would have thought your husband would know the appointment needed to be cancelled too, as a functional adult but hey...what do you know?!