To think parents should back off, Prom is just a school disco.

[AIBUPromPromProm]

This week I've bumped into a few parents with 16 year olds going to Prom and heard about the crazy amounts of grooming, money and time going into what is actually a school disco for 16year olds.
We're a small beach town - all the hair dressers are apparently booked out for blow drys & make up. People are scrambling around for anyone who can sew to take up/let down overpriced dresses for still growing 16year olds.
My daughter's friends seem to have a crazy amount of appointments next week and no one else wants to go surfing incase they break a nail or upset their hair.
I'm surprised at how much our laid back town has actually bought into the 'most important night of your life' rhetoric.

I was a little disappointed and also relieved that DD’s year 11 prom never went ahead due to covid/lockdown.

She has opted out of her year 13 prom as its not her thing. She is taller and bigger than average and would no doubt feel out of place with the petite and average height cute girls whose parents have spent a small fortune on their barbie/porn star insta appearance. No doubt all the over priced but cheap and nasty dresses will be only worn once and will mostly be up for sale on local facebook pages in 6 months time with mums bragging about how much they paid for them.

Some of the mums have gone all out crazy and grabby to get appointments and pay a fortune on fake tans, fake eyelashes, make up, sky high shoes the kids can’t walk in, up doo’s, false nail etc etc.

As an above poster said in our day jeans and a t shirt was good enough to wear, a shared bottle of cider passed around outside and a disco in the local community centre was good enough for us.

A celebration of them completing their education - perhaps an acknowledgement of all they have learnt rather than who can spend the most on a dress.

But that's done too through assemblies and other school based events, as well as results day and award days in some schools.

The 'prom' 'ball' 'disco' or whatever you want to call it is a social event for them to let their hair down after a few weeks on exam and revision stresses. Why would you begrudge kids that?

Presumably they do it all again for A levels? We only had one (our equivalent of actually finishing school - grade 12). Things like nails were done at home if at all. Spray tans weren’t a thing either. We did our own hair and make up. It feels so incredibly over the top now.

It feels like girls are being set up for a lifetime of thinking that this is what is required. That they need this much help to feel confident.

Yup. I'm not into dressing up but my dd is so when the time comes for us if she wants her nails and hair done and a pretty dress then that's what she will get. There are many posts here where people are dropping a couple of hundred quid on a jumper but then are balking at the idea that teenagers might want to dress up, feel lovely and fit in with their peers for a big night in their lives.

Is snogging common at year 11 and year 13 proms?

It is crazy.

My daughter is 11 and leaves primary school this year and her school have been sending emails out about ‘prom’. Since when do primary school children have a prom! It’s disgusting but no one wants their child to be the one that misses out when the other girls are excited about getting dressed up. I’m furious at the school for calling it a prom and making it high pressured rather than simply saying leavers disco.

Quite. There is definitely more than one same-sex couple going to DS2's leavers' dinner together.

Nobody needs those things for any event. They are optional things which some people find enjoyable. Not sure why it’s wrong to enjoy them just because you are 16…

Well.no.because again not all.kids sit A levels and those that do.often Sith them at sixth form colleges
Again many schools only go up.to.year 11 .

Optional in theory, but the peer pressure to take part no doubtless exists.

I was interested by the reaction of my eldest niece, whose Y11 prom was in 2017. She had - like her friends - a brand new ball gown, professional make-up, hair, etc etc. Two years later, for the Y13 do, she said "I'll wear an outfit I've already got and nobody I know is going in a dress or getting made-up professionally".

Her younger sister has just finished A levels and feels the same way.

The issue I have with "prom", whether it's primary school or secondary, is it really seems geared towards the "in" popular crowd. My observation from my children doing it both at end of juniors and year 11.

It's fine if you have a group of close friends that can get together and turn up together. If you don't have a natural group then do you:

1. Try and join in one of the other groups where you're an outsider anyway
2. Come on your own and make it obvious you have no friends
3. Try and organise a group with people who are in the same position as you
4. Don't go?

Obviously 3 would be the nicest, but many people in that position don't have the confidence to do that.

Actually the junior school one wasn't quite so bad as it was only the big popular crowds that all turned up together in fancy cars having done dressing/makeup together. A fair number of the others turned up on their own, although who was arriving with who was a large part of the conversation.

I can't remember which of mine had a year 6 leaving party where one of the parents volunteered to take photos of the party. Anyone want to guess how many of the photos had his daughter in it? 422 out of less than 500 photos. Even the big picture of everyone had his daughter and friends centre and everyone else gather round them hidden.

Tbf for the year 6 one, mine all enjoyed it as a leavers do, in a quiet sort of way, but would have been probably happier with ice creams and a picnic in the afternoon during school. Ds wore a Spiderman outfit for some reason unknown to anyone but himself, and the girls wore a nice frock they already had, so didn't cost me anything.

Year 11, dd1 was really lucky in that her group of friends, although they weren't super close, made sure that all that were round her group were invited and they did it fairly quietly. Her dress cost £20 on the sale/damaged rail, and I mended it.
Dd2 was the covid year, but was not sure whether to go or not because she had the issue of not having a set friendship group, although just before Covid one of the girls she was friendlier with, had just been told "we've booked a car which doesn't take all of us so you can't come with us" <nice> and I think might have gone with her.
Ds isn't going because "they expect you to wear stupid clothes". He's performing all week in clothes that I'm sure most of his year will think are far stranger. I think he might have gone if his friendship group were going, but they're not anyway.

They also have a year 11 leavers' assembly. Which has similar issues, as the groups all take a theme (I think dd1's was cowgirls) and walk into school dressed up together-again making it clear exactly who isn't in a friendship group. Ds is again going to miss his due to performing, which he is extremely thankful.
The issue with the leavers' assemble (tbf in dd1's year so they might have changed it) is that they let a group of year 11s (mostly popular girls) arrange it and the not very "funny" awards. So they're along the lines of best bottom.

When ds leaves, so I don't have a finger in the pie so to speak, I'm going to write them a long email telling them exactly how I feel about them, and that the children who most need a confidence boost are excluded by the current arrangements.

I'm mid 30's and I had a prom at 16. I don't see the issue in young people having a good time, wanting to get dolled up and see their friends in a party environment. I really can't get worked up about kids enjoying themselves before starting the hard work involved in becoming adults. Most of them are moving on to college, apprenticeships or six form. It isn't 'just a school disco'. It's essentially a leaving party, to celebrate the end of their exams and saying good bye to the friends they've had for 4ish years.

I notice your post is mostly centred on the girls rather than the boys grooming habits...

Interesting. I don’t know the exact stats but here the absolute vast majority of kids finish school.

They aren’t always expensive, the choice to spend a fortune isn’t on the school. They aren’t necessarily heteronormative either - gay couples attend. I’ve known NB or trans students wear the clothes they are happy in even when they have been sticking to boy/girl uniform codes.

They.are finishing school.at 16 its not A levels or nothing
A levels are.optional. and not for everyone
There are plenty of post 16 options other then A levels and there always has been.

It’s a big night out for teenagers and a celebration.

While it’s a relatively new event in our culture, and
some parents aren’t that into it, it doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to their children. People don’t get to decide what is important to others.

I’m not very good at doing my own hair and make up. As a teenager, there were events I attended where I would have loved to have went to a salon to get ready like my friends did. My parents had the money.

My mother would have said why bother doing xyz, or it’s not a big deal etc, but to me it was.

Truth be told, I never felt great about my appearance at any of the events and it affected my enjoyment of them.

My school prom was in 2002, it was called both prom and the leavers do. My dress was £22 from Tammy and my shoes were £3 in the sale. My DM let me get my nails done and I did my own hair and make up.

I remember there was a girl who went to a wedding dress shop and spent £450 on her frock, and whilst it was beautiful, a few of us raised our eyebrows and were amazed at the expense.

Two years later at the sixth form prom I remember a memo going round all classes that no leave would be allowed even if you had a free period, and any girls caught bunking to get to their hair/nail done wouldn't be admitted to the prom that evening. Nina Lewis cried and her mum phoned school and tried to say she had a dentist appointment but everyone knew it was for her spray tan 😂

I'm 51 so no prom for me just a school disco.
Dds prom is next Thurs. Tickets were £45, reduced to £35 because revision sessions were well attended.
Dh is polishing his car and putting a bow to match dds dress on the front.
Her dress was £166 online, £15 to alter.
She's wearing her Christmas Converse.
She had her normal haircut and will style it herself and will do her own make up and tan. I'm paying £40 for her nails.

Dd is not a girly girl, lives in joggers and hoodies. She didn't want to go at first but changed her mind.
It has been a rubbish 3 years. She has worked really hard at her gcses and off her own back secured an apprenticeship.
We're so proud of her. If she wants to feel like a princess for the night then we'll make that possible, she's earnt it.

I'm assuming you dont live in the UK. In fact I'm going to go even further and assume you live in the USA. Different countries do things differently.

Yes, objectively it’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t feel that way when you’re 16. We live in a society where people openly spend £1000s on a wedding day, which is essentially just a big party and only one day. There is an expectation in some groups that a woman spend big bucks on a dress and hair and make up etc for her wedding and must look perfect and beautiful, is it any wonder that those same societal expectations filter down to things like prom?

Objectively it is ridiculous for women to spend huge amounts of money on dresses, hair, make up etc for any occasion or party, but the pressure is that we do it. I don’t blame 16 year olds for wanting those things any more than I would blame the average bride.

School is grade 1 - 12 isn't it, universally all over the world is it not, so if you leave at year 11, you're a school drop-out. Some schools only go to year 10 or 11 but then you have to transfer to another high school to finish your secondary education. If you leave at year 11, you don't graduate high school.

What a load of rubbish! Firstly, no, of course school years aren't universal all over the world. And secondly, no you aren't a 'school drop-out' if you leave school at the end of Year 11. You don't need to go to another secindary school. You can go to a college or do an apprenticeship.

It's a nice chance to dress up. DS has never been to wedding or fancy party before.
He needed black tie as it's his army cadet do around the same time. £135 for suit (at least it'll get worn twice 🙄), £75 for limo which his mates mum organised and £50 a ticket. Not cheap at all but it was special evening for them.