To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

I wouldn't be willing to financially link myself by joint property ownership to someone who's still paying part of their ex's mortgage.

Excellent suggestion.

He HAS landed on his feet but now is upset because he thought it meant half your house, living rent free isn't enough for him clearly...🙄

I'll bet he was emotional.

It's always a shock when someone you were using isn't quite as big a mug as you thought they were🙄.

Tears in his eyes at the thought of not getting half your house.....ICK.

Finding a user attractive implies a low bar OP.

Good to read you won't be silly enough to marry him....

I think you are being so wise OP and I applaud you for protecting yourself and your children’s financial future.

He raised the matter because he wanted reimbursement but was then offended by the suggestion that it isn’t his house - hilarious!

Ignore the tears, wait until the dust dies down and then raise the matter - preferably after seeking guidance from a solicitor. If you don’t already have a cohabitation agreement in place I would strongly recommend you look into one.

You are quite right, OP. You have every right to protect the assets that you have worked hard for and to ensure your children are protected. He needs to take responsibility for his own financial situation not just try and weasel his way in to your estate. If he has legally accepted this I’d be highly suspicious of any crocodile tears and it would make me think he wasn’t being genuine about the agreement you have in place. Maybe he was expecting you to change your mind after time. Whatever you do- don’t.

YANBU.

And I think you should be quite careful and cautious. He's still paying for his ex-wife's house, and maybe he's not really financially savvy & expects you to give him a free ride?

Hence the lickle tears and sulking upset😔☹😫

I think you probably need a good discussion about this.

You are absolutely right to protect your asset OP. However, I would not feel like the house was my home if I were your DP. I'd feel like I was lodging at your sufferance only.

Does he buy little things for the home eg a painting or a knick knack? Is absolutely everything yours and paid for by you? Is it decorated and laid out how you want it or has he had any say in it? I would not feel like it was my home if this was the case

TBH, it would probably have been better had he never moved in but maintained a bed sit somewhere even if he rarely used it. It may not be too late to suggest that?

DH is not my DC's father. If I die first, my half of the house goes to my DC, with the proviso DP is allowed to live in the home until he dies, goes into care, remarries/cohabits, or can no longer keep the place in reasonable repair (so he doesn't depreciate my DC's asset). I absolutely get the importance of protecting assets. However, I also love DP and don't want to see him facing homelessness. Remember it will take time for you DP to sell his XW's home and regain possession/financial freedom at a time when he is grieving you.

I expect the DP has put off sorting out his finances because the ex doesn't want the inconvenience of moving from the former marital home since their DC have flown the nest, and probably doesn't have the financial resource to buy him out. He doesn't have the guts or negotiating skills to deal with it.

so he's done a good ostrich impression and meanwhile expected @LovelySparrow 's house to magically become "his" without him having to make any effort, just because he happens to be living as a lodger / house guest.

"I want, doesn't get" simple as. If he doesn't like the arrangement, tough, he knows what he can do to sort it out - he obviously hasn't had any incentive to up until this incident has brought things to a head.

of course you want to leave your money to your dc op,
he needs to sort out his own finances
and he must have been aware when you set arranged your mortgage of his position.

But "my house" can refer to the place where you live, can't it? In fact that's how most people use it. So you are a bit precious to pick him up on that.

"My" doesn't only indicate ownership, it can also mean "something connected to me". People who live in rented houses still say things like "would you like to come to my house first then go out later?" They wouldn't say "my home" that would just sound unnatural.

Good grief- he mentioned it because he wanted YOU to pay him to reimburse him and then when you acknowledged you would because the house is yours, which is correct, he started crying? He cant have it both ways can he?- he cant expect to be reimbursed with money and then get pissy that the reason you are doing that is because the house does in fact, belong to you. He isnt some helpless child here, if he's that bothered about having a house then he should negotiate with his ex to sell their property and get a house of his own. But of course, he wont do that because its far easier to emotionally blackmail you and leech off you.

You are being manipulated. Be very careful of this man OP.

I occasionally remind my partner it's my house. Maybe when arguing who gets to use the bathroom first.

As it is. I pay all house owning costs (only the annual maintenance charge now)

We share elec and council tax etc costs. I'd pay for new bathroom or repairs.

As not married he has no rights but he also had money from his house sale in the bank.

I can't see any issue with being clear about who owns what.

or other legal agreement.

You are absolutely right to protect your asset OP. However, I would not feel like the house was my home if I were your DP. I'd feel like I was lodging at your sufferance only.

Well that's not too far from what he is doing, although lodgers pay for the privilege! But that's down to his own choices.

The bills like council tax etc I pick up. He couldn't afford more.

but also

He pays his share of living bills, no he doesn't pay rent but that doesn't bother me. I want him to pay for the extra costs of him living here as opposed to me being on my own, which he does which I suppose is somewhat akin to rent though far lower.

So what's he actually paying for? Council tax can be a hefty bill and is expect him to contribute to it. Especially if you've lost you're single person discount?

And what about gas and electric? Internet?

Do you mean he pays for his food and that's it?

Are posters not reading OP’s post where she said he mentioned the bill because he wants the money back? Yes he acted all faux surprised when asking why would LovelySparrow pay him back but she obviously knows him and knows he wants reimbursement. Like his tears his words are manipulative.

Gosh how awkward. As pps have said it IS his home but of course it's YOUR house. I can understand him being a bit miffed and hurt, and as a few others have said, even though you have been together 5 years and are living together, you don't sound 100% 'in' to this relationship and are clearly keeping your DP at arm's length.

You clearly don't have the confidence to go full on and put the house in both names, and have him pay half for everything - and that is your choice, and your right. I am sure you have a good reason for it. Been stung before, want to keep the inheritance for your kids etc, but don't expect him to be happy with your comments and attitude. Also though, if he wanted to have a share in YOUR house, it's only fair you have a share in the one he and his ex have. Suggest that to him!

You are coming across a bit more like flatmates sorry @LovelySparrow and if the genders were reversed and a man was keeping a woman at bay, and calling the home they lived in HIS house, there would be probably 95% of posters saying he is being unreasonable.

Tricky one. I don't envy you. I think this relationship is at a crisis point now, and has serious cracks in it. Not sure you will both move on from it actually.

Yes. Unless she lives in Scotland.

But if you are not charging any rent to them and they are not paying for major house alterations what claim would they have on your house?

I studied co-habitation in land law and it's very hard to claim a share if you are not on the deeds.

This.
Exactly.

He has spectacularly landed on his feet, yet wants compensating for the smallest item, whilst all sulky upset half the house isn't his.

OP, you sound like a nice woman but your man bar is real low.

You have a chancer on your hands who is way ahead of you.

Wake up to how mean and entitled he is.

Both ex and him are only weak for this arrangement that suits THEM so well.

"No man as loving as one that is living off you"🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

@JudgeJ how on earth are you calling the OP unpleasant? She has said that she is happy for him to live in her house whilst she picks up most of his living expenses. She is happy with this. Her line is that she doesn’t want him to have even more whilst he is still paying for the house his ex is living in.

essentially the OP is subsidising this man and his ex. That makes her a bloody saint.

I'm totally with the OP here.

If something happened to my husband NO WAY would i remarry. And NO WAY would I be signing over any part of my house to a partner who owned another house with his ex.

My assets are going to my children end of.

If he genuinely wanted a shared asset he should have sold the old house.

Instead he wants his cake and eat it.

Absolutley.

OP accepts she is the higher earner and is facilitating their living together by paying a bigger share of their living costs; this is partnership.

She is not interfering with his inaction regarding the former marital home even though it's actually costing her money. She has made the decision to stay out of it and accepts the financial consequences of that.

She draws the line at him having or thinking he may have any claim on her assets.

She is being very clear and fair but some women still think it's a woman's job to sooth the hurt feelings of a man even when he's being unreasonable.

*soothe

I don't think you were out of order at all – you were just stating facts. Like it or not, it isn't his house, but it's his home. He has no more claim on your house than you have on the one he owns.

The bedtime tears would bother me more – feels like a manipulative reaction.