To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

I do think @LovelySparrow you're absolutely correct in your position and you’re going to have to have another very clear conversation

your dp has made the decision to allow his ex to keep his part of a house because he’s not proactive enough or perhaps hungry or driven enough to want to get this sorted out and get his assets back and the mortgage done with.

whether he does anything about this is up to him as you say, but he could potentially sell up and buy something small to let out and generate his own income or secure himself accommodation as a back up or as something he himself owns.

ignore the tears, that’s bollocks! IT’s manipulation and that would seriously worry me that he’s trying to renegotiate by stealth and trying to get his hands on my house

You have a clear plan OP and he is aware of it. Tearful response from him may mean it crystallised in his mind at that particular point in time. YANBU.

And he’d be out on his ear?

With only half another house to his name!

It sounds like you're resentful that your DP hasn't sorted out the finances on his former marital home with his ex. It's probably rumbled on for years with him kicking the can down the road and not taking decisive steps to untangle himself financially from his previous life. Normally all the finances get sorted out with the divorce, including a clean break to ensure nobody has further financial claims on the other. That was his to sort out and for whatever reason he hasn't bothered.

quite frankly I would never have allowed him to move in, that was your biggest mistake. If he wasn't motivated enough nor had the balls to sort it out to enable him to move forward in his life, that's his fault.

Why not insist he sorts his house situation with ex?

He sounds to be trapped between two unpleasant women, why on earth doesn't he force the sale of his former family home now the children are grown, let his ex fend for herself for once or she'll be leeching off him forever.

This is not the case necessarily depending on what legal agreements are made.

I think you’ve done the right thing. And talking to the solicitor about your will and what would happen with him is sensible. I agree with giving him 6months breathing space to move out, but very clear that he has to. I think in order for him not to come back and contest your will, you need to name him and give a small bequest to show that you have thought about it-say £2k and then he has nothing to come back from.

The next question is what happens when he does sell his old house and does want to start contributing to this one?

You've stated the truth so whys he upset .
It's YOUR house !

It sounds reasonable to me. Have you explained to him that the reason you are not considering the house a joint asset is because it's your kids' inheritance? Because looked at that way, I don't see how he can feel he has a right to it. He has a house - or 50% equity in one (or I might have missed something - 25% equity?) He really needs to get that sorted in some way and actually hanging on to the house probably is the most financially savvy thing he can do, assuming there is reasonable equity in the house.

Why has this come as a surprise to him?

Surely you had a conversation when he first moved into YOUR property that it was entirely your asset and he had no entitlement to it?

When you sold that property and bought this new one entirely with YOUR money surely you had the same conversation that this is your property and again he has no entitlement in it?

You DID have those conversations didn't you? So why is he hurt now?

@LovelySparrow

This is what you need to be concerned with (assuming you live in England & Wales). It sounds as if you are doing everything correctly, but be aware over time anything you may say, do or indicate a long term home. You could have a clause in your Will that allows him to occupy your home for a period of 24 months which will give him time to rearrange his life if you die first. Sometimes having a clear tangible line is better than leaving things unwritten.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proprietary_estoppel

Not really, she wants to pay for the upkeep.

So he knows full well he doesn't contribute to the house. He asked you for money back for something he DID buy once. But he still thinks he has a claim to the house.... that he doesn't contribute to.

I think the cocklodger thought you were going to be his knight in shining armour and he wouldn't have to put on his big boy pants and deal with his efforts his own house.

I'd leave things a few days because emotions seem a bit raw, but bring it up again mid week. How would you feel if he paid a lump off the mortgage and became a tenant in common? Presumably he would have to sell his home first, and as marriage isn't on the cards this could reinforce your commitment to each other. Essentially you both have to put yourself out for the relationship. If this makes either of you feel uneasy, maybe you need to have a serious think about how you feel about each other. In your partners position, I think I'd struggle to remain essentially a long term guest. This would make me feel incredibly insecure.
Good luck.

This is one of the few threads I’ve seen a woman being financially sensible and protecting herself and her kids and posters are saying she’s being mean! Typically MN.
Poor bloke offended by her ‘this your home but my house words’ 🙄

He has a house he pays for!

It's your house in every way. End of. If he isnt happy with the arrangement he needs to sell his own house and buy a house with you. If that's what you both want.

It’s your house and he’s just having a little sulk. Hopefully he gets over it. When you go to the solicitor can you make sure that for all legal options in the future your children are your NOK. You don’t want him getting to make decisions if you become incapacitated 20 years down the line.

Well said and all the poor man he's crying nonsense. So what? many people cry when they dont get what they want, doesnt mean its reasonable or fair or the request is justified. Crying can be used as a manipulation tactic, heck, when I was younger and immature, I regularly used tears to get what I wanted from my parents. OP- stay strong, you are making sensible, wise decisions for yourself. Its not mean and its not un kind, I see the usual "be kind" bullshit is being trotted out which always translates to "women should do whatever men want, whilst the men arent under any obligation to be kind whatsoever". He HAS a house, its not OP's fault he hasnt managed it well or taken action on that.

Ironic because he’s the one now leaching off OP.

I think you sound very wise. Protect your asset. I’d be concerned at him still paying a mortgage on the house his ex lives in. That’s weird.

Exactly. OP has done him a favour because maybe he would have just let ex have the house forever if he thought OP will put him on the deeds of her house.

Perhaps the OP wants to ensure that her house becomes her children's when she is no more. Perhaps she doesn't want her assets to become used for her partner's children, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Buying a house together might well not achieve this.

Unless she has a will leaving it to her children.