Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

Give up work yourself, OP ( or at least pretend to). That’s what he did. If it was okay for him, no matter what the reasons, it will be fine for you too.

just tell him you have ‘burnt out’ and can’t make a financial contribution any more, but you will take over half the cooking etc.

Then you can have a discussion about how you are going to pay for the food you will be cooking.

I think you need to get some very clear legal advice OP before making any decisions. Chances are that if he's established himself as the SAHP, you'll end up financially supporting him to continue to do so - in which case you gain very little.

We can all offer opinions but on a subject like this, I think you need cold clear facts to be able to weigh up your options.

Lots of people are SAHP which is fine.

But once their kids get to a certain age or finances are too tight then they have to go back to work.

I would give him an ultimatum that he either gets a job or the relationship is over, even if it’s a part time role for now.

I would say the same regardless of sexes.

He's not a man.

He's a lazy sponger.

Tell him that from me.

Seeing as he can't be bothered to get up off his arse and help to provide for his family you might as well replace him with something equally as useful around the home, a nice house plant.

The knickers-in-a-twist cries of sexism are not true as in reality a woman who doesn't work IS judged far less harshly than a man who doesn't.
That's just a fact.
His sex drive may be low as his self-esteem is low as he is not working.

I don't think women's sex drives fall much if no paid employment.

Anyway, the guy sounds depressed and burnt out and in need of help. He wasn't always like this and this differentiates him from a bog standard cocklodger.

Also, I'm a bit critical of the OP - does she have such a high paying job, as her dh did, I wonder?
Maybe if she did, she'd be a burnt out wreck and all.

Still it is what it is and given his state it's hard for her to respect him and when a woman don't respect a man she doesn't want to have sex with him, either.

This obviously does NOT apply to men about women.

Also, even if the sahp is a man who agreed beforehand to be such AND does ALL the domestic stuff, the wife still goes off him and he still feels impotent in life.

So my advice to OP is a last ditch attempt to help him then if he won't co-operate end it. He deserves that as not always a lazy bum.

It's near impossible for a woman to respect a man who doesn't work. Not the same the other way around.

Accuse me of sexism, I don't care. It is what it is.

Fannylodgers and cocklodgers are equally despised on MN.

Get rid of him asap.

The knickers-in-a-twist cries of sexism are not true as in reality a woman who doesn't work IS judged far less harshly than a man who doesn't.

OP said she doesn't respect men who are SAHP's but she's fine that women do it.

That's sexist.

I think the big problem here is the lack of communication and consultation. A lot of people step back from the rat race and it's not necessarily a bad thing. People recognise that their job is having a very detrimental impact on their physical and/or mental health and think, "You know what, life's too short". But the DH here has a wife and children to consider. He left his job without discussing this move with his wife. He didn't have a back up plan and hasn't done anything in the three years since to bring in an income or make a move towards getting back into the workforce. A short-term situation has become a long-term one and the OP finds herself in a position she didn't anticipate (being the sole breadwinner). Her DH refuses to engage in any discussion around the subject.

There's also a lack of passion or intimacy in the marriage (I'm not sure if the two issues are related or if this problem pre-dates the DH leaving his job).

OP I would recommend seeing a counsellor and thrashing it all out. This might help you to decide on what course of action you want to take i.e.

(1) Accepting the status quo. But it seems like you already resent your DH and that tiny fissure of resentment might well become a huge crack.

or

(2) Asking for a divorce. But given that your husband has no income and doesn't work at present, he might be granted full custody of the children and a larger share of the value of the family home. You might end up having to move out and paying for two households instead of one and seeing less of your children. He might also make a claim on your pension. The divorce process in itself is very expensive. Not to mention the impact on your children. It's not a decision that anyone should make lightly.

or

(3) Asking your DH to see a marriage counsellor or family mediator to try to reach some compromise e.g. your DH re-trains in a different career or seeks help for his anxiety.

Also, it might be worth your while making an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options, in the event that these issues do lead to a divorce.

If finances are tight and it’s causing a lot of stress then it’s perfectly acceptable to expect SAHP to go back to work - male or female - and in fact most do once the kids hit secondary age. SAHP only works when both parties are happy with it. In this case the OP isn’t.

@EllaRaines

"Seeing as he can't be bothered to get up off his arse and help to provide for his family you might as well replace him with something equally as useful arund the home, a nice house plant."

Couldn't have put it better myself !

I would say that by the time the dc are over 5 years old there is an expectation for both parents to be working in some shape or form. Thats how I see life and I wouldn't be having. dp that thought it was ok not to do work outside the home.

If bob and Jill down the road do things differently then that their affair, but for me I wouldn't entertain not having a full partnership both working, raising family and in the bedroom

You need to talk seriously and make it clear that you haven't agreed to be the sole breadwinner, and that you don't accept that role. That this current situation is not what you want from marriage. Then move forward from there.

I know a lot of people are (rightly) comparing this to a SAHM but I'd also say that SAHMs are often judged harshly on here if their children are well into school age such as the OP's. Especially if there's any question of their spouse not wanting them to be a SAHM or if there are financial concerns.

Basically, being a SAHP is often a luxury that most people cannot afford (unless they're in the baby/toddler stage where they are saving on childcare etc). I say this as someone who was a SAHM for years. I'm not anti-SAHPs, but if my spouse felt the way OP does, I'd have gone back to work well before I did. I can't imagine doing it if I knew my spouse was stressed that much (we have exceptionally low outgoings though; no mortgage or car payments)

It doesn’t matter who’s sexist or what other people do. The fact is you’re not happy carrying the financial load so he either pitches in and gets a job or you leave him and find a relationship with someone who is willing to help.

SAHP to two kids who are ten and twelve lol

He's just a lazy waster

Tossing it off (literally) whilst you're at work

I'd be embarrassed if he was my husband

10 and 12 year olds don't need a SAHM that does nothing all day then cooks badly. @MardiMoo doesn't need a a lazy lard ass to feed, clothe. Nor a sexless marriage. He's a domestic vampire sucking the life out of her

It sounds like a communication problem. He is ignoring you, or turning things on you when you bring up that he needs to work.

You need to change communication styles, either write it out or go to a mediator.

Write out your 3 main problems with him and do not sway from these, ie:

‘we need a second income’
’we did not agree on you staying at home’
’you are ignoring me and I’m not happy’

DO NOT BE DERAILED. Whatever he says, or does, say ‘you need to work and bring in money, I can’t do it all on my own anymore.’

No matter what he says, even if he does a raindance, do not be derailed. Keep repeating your points and do not get distracted from it no matter what he says.

Becoming a stay at home parent happens when both parties agree and this did it happen. Don’t be bamboozled by him. Stick to your points and get your life back.

You can leave, he sounds like he's sponging off you.

Then he will sponge off the tax payer by claiming every benefit he can, he's clearly lazy

Because that wasn't their agreement?

How is that so difficult to understand? If they'd had a conversation about it-and they agreed that their financial situation could work if one of them stayed home and took care of home and children, that would be one thing.

That doesn't seem to have happened here. Most SAHP arrangements are arrangements i.e. something both parties discussed and agreed on in advance. They're not-"oh, I lost my job due to x and now 3 years later, I still don't have a job and I'm relying on my partner to pay for everything and get super defensive when challenged about it."

Communication problem my eye!

Presumably he know stuff costs money and they can barely manage on one salary.

But if the message hasn’t been received then it’s a communication problem.

This is genius. You need to get tough Op. Or leave. One parent doesn't get to decide they're going to stay at home - this is a conversation between adults who then decide what's best for the family, not someone who just chooses to abdicate all financial responsibility.

It is ok for a man to be a SAHP.
I hate these posts where people say "if it were a man posting about a wife they'd not be saying x, y or z". Context is everything.
If a woman had posted this saying her husband was objecting to her not working because the family were struggling to afford bills while she was a SAHP to a 10 and 12 year old, I can guarantee you that many, many posters would tell her to get back to work. I've seen several threads like this. Different if the children are small, but a 10 and 12 year old, no reason at all for the SAHP not to go back to work, irrespective of whether they are male or female.

If a man posted the OP above, again, many posters would say that he's right and the woman should go back to work.

It's not ok for anyone to be a SAHP if the children are 10 and 12 and the family are struggling for money.

OP's DH needs to go back to work ASAP.

Women with 10 and 12yo children are not told it’s ok to be a SAHM if their DH wants them to work.

But there is a fundamental inequity here in that by and large women who work full time still do most of the housework too.

Your kids are too old to need a SAHP. Fine if they were little kids.

he’s a lazy fucker, I would be FURIOUS