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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
CultureHorticulture · 25/06/2023 00:16

porridgeisbae · 25/06/2023 00:00

He's entitled to his opinion but stropping is annoying. I hate the police, not for leftie reasons, but because of the three times I reported rapes and all the police did was traumatize me further by how they spoke to me and did nothing.

He might eventually be ok with you doing something with the police.

Or it could mean that you grow in opposite directions and are less compatible.

What is a 'leftie reason' for hating the police?

Malarandras · 25/06/2023 00:17

His reasons, whatever they may or may not be, are completely irrelevant. This is not how a spouse treats their life partner. I would seriously consider divorcing him if I were you.

Isthisexpected · 25/06/2023 00:17

Is it just this job he isn't supportive of, or any that isn't WFH? In recent times especially with the internet and ability to travel more, the world has moved on from marrying your sweet 16. That must be increasingly rare. He sounds very insecure and suspects that the more people you meet the more you'll realise how not a catch he is! If he is controlling he also won't want you working for the "enemy".

LadyVF · 25/06/2023 00:18

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:16

Thanks for the replies. He's not a thug/ criminal or anything like that.

He comes from a privileged background, went to expensive boarding schools and so on.. whereas I come from a very working class background, however, I have managed to get a good degree/ some decent experience over the last few years.

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

When he goes out does he tell you where he is and when he’ll be back?

Cakeorchocolate · 25/06/2023 00:19

With that ultimatum I'd be volunteering to submit a divorce application myself!

CultureHorticulture · 25/06/2023 00:23

Don't know about this. Started off just about the job, now he's a potential abuser whom you've been with for so long. I don't know if the posts have for you seeing things that arw not there or not but if you're miserable in your marriage, you know what to do.

Goodluck

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 25/06/2023 00:30

Your husband is controlling, which is not normal, or ok.
He commenced having sex with a child when he was a 22yr old man, this is indefensible and utterly disgusting. No adult male should be preying on a child. Your relationship should be ended immediately.

Mothwingdust · 25/06/2023 00:31

I worked in the NHS for six years and was with my childhood sweetheart from age 16. It was not the reason but his refusal to support me retraining was the catalyst for us splitting up after 11 years together in my late twenties.

You get one life if you want a career change do it and good luck.

Palmasailor · 25/06/2023 00:34

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

Let’s be honest, it’s a shit job, generally dealing with the shit in society, and I wouldn’t want my wife doing it.

I think he’s got a point.

But if you want to do it, you go ahead.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 25/06/2023 00:37

The shitty job is irrelevant, OP is with a male who by very definition is a predator- as a man well in to adulthood, he preyed upon a child and is now controlling her. She thinks it’s normal 🤢

OP, how did this man first meet you?

RoseslnTheHospital · 25/06/2023 00:43

@Palmasailor I thought family liaison stuff was to support victims? Are they the shit in society?

Thepossibility · 25/06/2023 00:45

I suspect that he is worried you are outgrowing him and your marriage and wants to keep his little woman at home.

porridgeisbae · 25/06/2023 00:53

What is a 'leftie reason' for hating the police?

@CultureHorticulture Well there are people that hate them for instance because they see them as an instrument of the state, and are anti-statist. And/or because the police are '-ist' of several kinds.

Which they are of course, but my personal hatred of them is because of how I've seen them deliberately not do their job, and sometimes be outright nasty or unjust.

Mari9999 · 25/06/2023 01:21

@KoalaBe
He sounds fairly immature rather than controlling. It is difficult to say that he is not supporting your ambition. Has it always been your goal to join the police force? This sounds more like a possible job opening that has come along rather than a goal related to your ambition.

Has he prevented you from working in the past? Have you discussed your specific career aspirations with him Is their anything in your past discussions that would have led him to think that you desired to work in a law enforcement/social service type capacity?

If you want the job , go for it. He will either adapt or leave. There isn't much ambiguity as to the possible outcomes.

SoccerStars · 25/06/2023 01:25

Stickybackplasticbear · 24/06/2023 23:02

I'm not sure why people are confused about why he hates the police. They are institutionally racist, misogynist and corrupt. So like probs that?

But equally I wouldn't be happy about a man telling me what to do. It also sounds like your role would have potential to work outside of lots of the issues the police have. So I think it's like pp's have said, how is he the rest of the time?

Exactly. Not sure about giving out ultimatums but I would be horrified if my spouse/partner joined the police.

Emmamoo89 · 25/06/2023 01:27

YANBU X

Theoldgreygoose · 25/06/2023 01:29

Maybe get in first and divorce him! He sounds like a prat tbh.

LifeIsPainHighness · 25/06/2023 01:39

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

Is it because being a police officer will widen your eye to how creepy it is dating a 16yo when you’re 22?

Lachimolala · 25/06/2023 01:51

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 24/06/2023 23:46

I’d feel the same tbh, the police are so corrupt.

also they solve under 3% of house break ins so calling them would do no good other than for your insurance

Unfortunately it would be a hard limit so to speak for me also. The police force are mostly useless, corrupt, racist and misogynistic and that’s at the best of times. I say this as an abuse victim who was let down repeatedly and an ex SW who watched them drop the ball time and time again.

I wouldn’t want to but I think I would have to end the relationship.

Pancake678 · 25/06/2023 02:16

I don't think this has anything to do with the police. It's more about not liking you getting some independence outside of the family home.

ILikeCatsandDogs · 25/06/2023 02:17

You’ve not really been specific about his reasoning. The police force is only just being sorted out officially and have had a female fronting and defending their abuse for a great many years. This will of allowed a lot more abuse of the system than if the figure head had been male. I’m not sure how I’d feel about someone wanting to join right now unless it had been an aspiration from years prior and it would have to be many years not just a couple but it depends on if he’s like this about other areas also. If it’s just the police thing though there are a lot of the general public that although wouldn’t say they hate them would never trust them. I myself would never get in a car with one. He may have said he hated them in exasperation at the situation rather than hating them as that’s the kind of thing I’d expect either one of their victims or a criminal to say.

porridgeisbae · 25/06/2023 02:18

It was 2020 I reported some stuff and they still called it 'domestic' 😮 with the implication of 'a domestic' being less serious and that is a category they use. What century are we in?

It wasn't even a domestic anyway as we weren't partners or anything at all.

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 25/06/2023 02:18

@KoalaBe you’ve been together long enough to know if he has such a massive issue with the police force - he doesn’t, he’s using it as an excuse to control you.
I don’t say that lightly, I know what MN can be like with everyone jumping on the controlling man/leave him bandwagon but in this case I genuinely think you need to take a step back and look at the life you have and how much you have given over the years!
You are an adult, you do not need permission from him or anyone else to pursue any job you wish to go for and your partner should be supportive of that 100%
If you have given him no reason to distrust you in the past then it’s HIS problem to deal with.
Whatever you decide I really do wish you the very best x

Ilovetea42 · 25/06/2023 02:23

So... I'm torn on this actually. I agree the police force is on an institutional level, morally bankrupt but I do think more decent people need to be in it to change that so I don't hate it as such. But I live in an area where it would seriously compromise my familys safety if dh joined the police. It would mean lying to everyone about what he did for work, my ds not knowing what he really did for work until being old enough to keep a secret and the possibility of a gun being kept in the house etc. I personally would be massively opposed to that change in my family and our lifestyle and the risks that come with it. Never mind the worry of whether he'd come home safe at the end of the day. So in that respect I wouldn't really support dh going for a job in the police and therefore couldn't complain if roles were reversed. But that may be specific to where we live. I'm not for any man telling you what you can and cannot do for a career but I think when it's a career that would have a significant impact on the other people in your family then it needs to be talked about and it wouldn't be fair to expect him to blindly support any and everything.

Redglitter · 25/06/2023 02:24

Pancake678 · 25/06/2023 02:16

I don't think this has anything to do with the police. It's more about not liking you getting some independence outside of the family home.

Exactly. He's using his supposed dislike for the police as an excuse. He'd find another excuse if the job was in another sector. You working from home suits him

I'd apply for the job & call his bluff

You deserve better