DH will divorce me if I join the police force

[KoalaBe]

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

He shouldn't be shouting at you and storming off, obviously. But, his reasons aside, everyone's allowed to have a limit on what they can support.

I told my DH very early on that I couldn't be with him if he went into a short list of careers. I said I would support him 100% as his friend but not as his partner. He chose to be with me and not do them. If he now told me he'd never let go of his dear ambition to be a [insert job title] and he was going to do it, I'd probably divorce him, with the heaviest heart imaginable.

How would he feel if you took another job with the same conditions, location, pay etc etc but just not police? Honestly I'd make one up just to test him!

This. Get rid.

I'm not sure why I feel like this. We've been together for a long time, my whole adult life really.
I've supported him through everything he's wanted to do. I think he just doesn't trust me.

He sounds thick as mince. What does he think family liaison officers do? He doesn't think families of murder victims etc should have support because he hates the police?

He's nae wise. Take the job and enjoy it, OP. You're doing something incredibly worthwhile. I've worked with family liaison officers when I worked in the police and they make such a difference.

Trash taking itself out. You should be thankful. Enjoy your new job and life.

Well if he doesn’t trust you there’s no future in your relationship. So you might as well get a a divorce. The sooner you get rid of him , the sooner you can build you new life. And meet a man who will treat you well ( if that’s what you want).

How could he not trust you? What is there not to trust you about? It's a job, it's not a question of trust or not.

Through my work I've met a few police officers (not while in their role as a PO) and found a tendency to be rather rigid and controlling, but having met them in my personal life through other circumstances, found them more supportive, but that's just anecdotal.

The police force is probably not the kind of role a person of privilege would consider joining - it doesn't have that kind of status, so maybe that's his objection?

On the other hand, I don't consider it normal for a partner to insist on knowing where I am at all times, so he sounds like he could be over controlling. His reaction to your intentions is childish and emotionally manipulative. If he has a valid reason he could just espress that. Otherwise, its your life / your choice. (Unless there are other relevant factors you haven't mentioned)

My world feels very small right now. I think it's mostly my fault, but I just don't want to cause arguments. I know how that sounds and if it was someone else saying it to me I'd tell them to run.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

He sounds like a control freak, and he's finding reasons to dissuade you from working outside the home. Lots of people have good cause to distrust the police, but he doesn't sound like one of them.

Take the job, and open a bank account he doesn't have access to.

Join! I did, got rid of a boyfriend years ago who hated police too but never would've done anything to help others. It actually woke me up to who he was. I love the work we do and my colleagues aswell, you'll love it Op. I'd never do anything else. There are so many amazing women in the force who decided to just go for it and they're the best humans I know. The best thing about being in the police is everyone is so much nicer to each other than anywhere else I've worked because you might deal with some horrific things but it really gives you all a good perspective on what is an isn't important. I like who I am since joining and if you don't you'll always think what if x

Definitely take the job. But I'm curious how you can be a FLO without doing at least a 2 year probationary period first where you need to be a response officer?.

Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.
Funny, I thought the same, he was charming, talented and witty if anyone was about. I thought everyone reckoned he was amazing. Turned out they didn’t and it was for my benefit. It isn’t you.

Blaming yourself makes it sound even more like you're in an abusive relationship. If you spend your life doing what he wants because you don't want an argument then that's not a good place to be. Don't beat yourself up over it, you were only 16 when you got together with this guy and I'll bet he's been telling you what to do ever since.
Take the job.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

That’s how men like this work. Them making everyone love them and think that they’re the bestest, nicest, most loveliest man in the world is how they isolate you, so that when you say “Husband does/says [insert abusive behaviour here]”, they’ll tell you that you’re mad, that you’ve got it wrong, that you don’t understand how lucky you are. And then you’ll doubt yourself and back down, telling yourself what an awful person you are for criticising such a wonderful man.

It is classic abuser tactics and I know because I’ve been there.

Take the job and divorce the arsehole. Get your life back.

We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

So you started going out when you were 16 and he was 22? What 22 year old goes out with a 16 year old. That's creepy.

My teenage dcs will call him a 'paedo'.

Take the job! If he divorces you then he didn't think much of the marriage in the first place. What a loser!

This.
Is he planning on a life of crime?

Nobody else is in a relationship with him, so how would they know what he’s really like?

I’d feel the same tbh, the police are so corrupt.

also they solve under 3% of house break ins so calling them would do no good other than for your insurance

You don't sound very compatible. Perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

take the job and start a new and better life without this manipulative man child.

He's done a right number on you OP.

If someone nicked his car, his dog and his window box, who's he going to call? Ghostbusters?

Start to see him rather than just look at him. He sounds abusive but clever with it.

Horrific divorce and affair rates anyway in the police, plus they are mainly a bunch of misogynistic racist controlling twats. But your dh doesn't sound great either so why not go for it, get a divorce before rather than after joining, and marry another controlling knob you meet through the job

This 1000 times over!