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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
Pocodaku · 25/06/2023 02:27

Wanting a considered discussion, and expressing misgivings about a spouse’s potential new job is one thing; shouting and storming off is not on. He sounds controlling and immature.

Hollowgast · 25/06/2023 03:18

People who "hate the police" tend in my experience to be criminal scum. Ignore him and join if you want to. It's a difficult job but you'll be making the world a better place.

Sausage1989 · 25/06/2023 04:16

I hate them too and couldn't be married to a proper copper but family liason officer is totally different.

maybebaby2023 · 25/06/2023 04:28

There is a saying that goes “join the force, get a divorce” 😉

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 04:28

Can you explain ‘been offered an opportunity to be a FLO’?

I thought FLO had to be police officers, which means you would have had to join as a police officer and complete 2 year probation before applying.

Are you already in the police?

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2023 04:29

He’s seeing the Police Force as a smorgasbord of menz you can take your pick from. You will compare him to all these billions of male models and he will come up lacking. Perhaps you might actually meet a bloke who isn’t an insecure, controlling twat waffle… Who knows?

OrganicAlchemy · 25/06/2023 04:54

Apparently my Dad was similar when my Mum wanted to join. He smoked weed and went on to growing it/basically stoning himself to excess mentally. She left him when I was two and then joined fully when I was 11. She since went on to a very successful career with total financial independence from any man - Go for it!

His attitude is very immature and I definitely couldn't tolerate the lack of support

Ponkyandthebrain · 25/06/2023 04:59

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:32

My world feels very small right now. I think it's mostly my fault, but I just don't want to cause arguments. I know how that sounds and if it was someone else saying it to me I'd tell them to run.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

Show quote history

My Ex didn’t want me to join either. He seemed to everyone else to be a lovely guy too. But he was controlling, insecure and jealous of anything I achieved in my career. We split up after a couple of years. He hated me doing something that gave me confidence and a sense of accomplishment. I became a different person, I was less willing to put up with his crap and he couldn’t stand it.People would ask me about my job and he would visibly seethe.

I’ve spent ten years working in mostly child protection and DV. It has its challenges but it’s a fantastic job and I have zero regrets. I don’t know if you are looking at a civilian or direct entry DC to FLO work but if I can help then you can feel free to message me

electriclight · 25/06/2023 05:00

Your update suggests that he wants his little woman at home and not out interacting with colleagues. Your description of his behaviour does make him sound controlling, manipulative and unpleasant. If he has redeeming features and you want to stay married, stick to your plans and hope he adjusts to the idea. If he's serious, then yes I'd divorce him because honestly who wants to spend the next 50 years of their life being dictated to.

Kinneddar · 25/06/2023 05:05

Are you actually planning on joining as an officer or is the FLO a civilian post. I've never heard of a civilian FLO but you can't apply to join to go for a specific role.

It's not really clear in the OP

merrymelodies · 25/06/2023 05:28

That would piss me off so much that I'd join the police immediately.

Rhubarbandtoast · 25/06/2023 05:30

“He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.”

He reserves the bad behaviour for you OP.
Typical abuser behaviour which keeps you towing the line and questioning yourself.

Other people don’t get to see his true colours.

I’d take the job and let him divorce you and be rid of him.
Life will be so much better without him.
Imagine being able to do what you want without being interrogated !

pinkginfizz9 · 25/06/2023 05:36

Is he worried about your safety? I certainly would if my loved one joined the police!

crew2022 · 25/06/2023 05:38

His reaction is a reason TO go for the job.
You hopefully get a great new career.
And potentially escape a controlling relationship.
Its win win

pinkginfizz9 · 25/06/2023 05:39

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 25/06/2023 00:30

Your husband is controlling, which is not normal, or ok.
He commenced having sex with a child when he was a 22yr old man, this is indefensible and utterly disgusting. No adult male should be preying on a child. Your relationship should be ended immediately.

What? Where did she day that?

pinkginfizz9 · 25/06/2023 05:43

Kinneddar · 25/06/2023 05:05

Are you actually planning on joining as an officer or is the FLO a civilian post. I've never heard of a civilian FLO but you can't apply to join to go for a specific role.

It's not really clear in the OP

Really? If that's the case , I think you've rumbled her! Trip trap , trip trap
...

TallerThanAverage · 25/06/2023 05:49

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 24/06/2023 23:51

You can’t join the police and be a Family Liasion Officer, you have to serve for 2 years first. What is the role?

I was going to say the same thing, you can’t just join and become a FLO. It sounds more like civilian police staff or witness care.

Catsmere · 25/06/2023 05:52

pinkginfizz9 · 25/06/2023 05:39

What? Where did she day that?

Show quote history

They've been together since she was 16 and he was 22.

Shoxfordian · 25/06/2023 05:56

He doesn’t want you joining the police’s and talking to them about his controlling behaviour. Take the job and get the divorce!

JaukiVexnoydi · 25/06/2023 06:01

Whether or not you join the police, you need to divorce this dickhead asap. Trying to control you like that is just abusive. Get out of there.

HeckinBamboozled · 25/06/2023 06:11

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:16

Thanks for the replies. He's not a thug/ criminal or anything like that.

He comes from a privileged background, went to expensive boarding schools and so on.. whereas I come from a very working class background, however, I have managed to get a good degree/ some decent experience over the last few years.

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

Well there's the drip feed. OP this be much better off without him.

Zanatdy · 25/06/2023 06:15

Disgusting attitude - do you really want to remain married to somehow so controlling? Do what YOU want to do, he’s not your keeper. Is he always this controlling? Go for it

YDBear · 25/06/2023 06:22

Now he’s given you the ultimatum, you pretty much have to join. Or at least apply and let him know you have. Ultimatums based on a kind of moral blackmail like this are never acceptable. The irony is that even if you’ve decided the job isn’t for you after all, you still have to apply and let him know you have, just so he can’t get away with this controlling BS.

MintJulia · 25/06/2023 06:29

Lacucuracha · 24/06/2023 22:55

He sounds controlling and like he doesn’t want you to have a life outside the house.

Go for that job and consider if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this twat.

This. Your dh is an idiot if he is incapable of separating a woman he has known for 16 years, from a job. He sounds controlling and foolish.

I could understand that taking a job with a shift pattern might need some discussion but his reaction is absurd.

Take your job, congratulations. And let him divorce you if that is what he feels he needs to do. 😊

Billben · 25/06/2023 06:29

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent

No, it really isn’t OP. I tell my DH if I’m going out purely out of curtesy, NOT because he expects to know. And as far as how long I am going to be? How on earth am I meant to know when I haven’t even left the house yet? Normal people just use common sense to estimate how long things roughly take.