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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
BlueThroughandThrough · 26/06/2023 22:04

When you join the police force, don't your immediate family require a background check as part of the entry process? Has he got something he doesn't want coming to light .

Alternatively, maybe he doesn't want to see you in an position of authority if he usually controls matters?

Anyway, go for the role if it is what you want to do. Don't let empty threats dissuade you.

KateKateLee · 26/06/2023 22:18

MustWeDoThis · 26/06/2023 18:49

Leave him. Tell him you'll find someone with a bigger truncheon in the Police force.

Show quote history

Love ❤️it.

Catsmere · 26/06/2023 22:53

MustWeDoThis · 26/06/2023 18:49

Leave him. Tell him you'll find someone with a bigger truncheon in the Police force.

Show quote history

I nearly spat my coffee out then ... 🤣

Mumkins42 · 26/06/2023 23:24

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/06/2023 22:53

He sounds nice

😂

kthnxbai · 26/06/2023 23:48

You've been with him a long time. Sounds like you've outgrown him. Move on and enjoy your new role.

a1poshpaws · 26/06/2023 23:54

If he actually even cared for you, never mind loved you, he'd want to support you in starting a job that attracts you.

He doesn't want to support you and see you happier accepting the job: ergo, he neither sincerely cares for you nor loves you.

And yes, actually, the family liaison role makes a huge difference - he hasn't a leg to stand on even if he's been stopped & searched or something and resents it deeply, because your role is going to be the one where people need your input to hold themselves together, not a punitive one.

In your place I'd be secretly visiting a lawyer, getting advice on how to safeguard your financial and physical assets, and having done those things, presenting HIM with divorce papers.

Lilacbunnykins · 27/06/2023 06:49

Normally if someone hates the police its because they or their friends have been in trouble with them in the past, or just don't like being told what to do, have you asked him why he don't like the police?if this is your only issue with him maybe find another job,that's if he has a good reason for you not to take it, if it's not...take it and let him divorce you

Bonniebluesea · 27/06/2023 07:41

I would ask him quietly what the problem is. Maybe he has a spent conviction and he is concerned you'll find out. Try to get to the bottom of it. If you can't, then you have a difficult decision. If it is just dominating behaviour, the LTB.

Innocents4321 · 27/06/2023 07:50

Apparently the police force is a hotbed of illicit affairs, not to mention danger and if it’s the Met, I suggest you read recent reportsabout it. I know it’s Family Liaison but it still carries a risk.

There are so many jobs out there. Your dh being controlling is one issue, but whether the Police would be a good career move for you is quite another.

Hmm1234 · 27/06/2023 08:15

Don’t blame him they are corrupt af! Look at all the officers in the news for abuse of women and children

Motnight · 27/06/2023 08:49

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 26/06/2023 19:51

Any normal, decent partner would be thrilled you wanted to join the police

I mean I wouldn’t and I’m normal and decent

Actually I agree with this. Living in London I know a lot of women in particular, young and old, who are very wary of the Met. These are normal, law abiding people who just don't feel able to trust the police.

I would be concerned that a woman joining the police force in any capacity would be subjected to a lot of sexism.

I wouldn't try and stop someone I loved joining the police, but I would be worried about them.

GUARDIAN1 · 27/06/2023 09:25

Go for the job and divorce him.

TattyOne · 27/06/2023 10:39

Go for the job and dump your childish husband. Let him carry on with his tantrums while you file for divorce.

GladAllOver · 27/06/2023 11:02

Family liaison is a wonderful job, helping victims of crime. Go for it and be proud of your new career.

Stewball01 · 27/06/2023 11:32

Do you want a divorce?

Weedoormatnomore · 27/06/2023 11:33

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:32

My world feels very small right now. I think it's mostly my fault, but I just don't want to cause arguments. I know how that sounds and if it was someone else saying it to me I'd tell them to run.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

Show quote history

@KoalaBe "He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me."
That's the one thing these controlling Bs are good at being nice to everyone else but you. Guessing he likes you working at home where you see no one where as working with the police you might meet a nice policeman

pphammer · 27/06/2023 11:42

Lack of communication there.
Try taking with him so he can better express what he gets about it. "Hating the police" seems quite simplistic. And hopefully you can reach common ground.
He has the right of not wanting to be married with someone undertaking what can be a dangerous job (police or other). He has no right though to threaten you or coerce you to do something you don't want (or the other way around)
All the best

Sartre · 27/06/2023 11:55

I don’t think it’s necessarily an issue to challenge a perspective career change if it’s going to drastically alter your relationship or family life. I wouldn’t want my DH to take a job that involved lots of working away for example or stupid shifts that meant he wasn’t around to do his fair share with the DC because that isn’t the marriage I signed up for.

Your DH’s only reason is ‘he doesn’t like the police’ though, is he 12? I’d probably let my DH divorce me if he said this.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 27/06/2023 11:59

Many people don't like the police for many good reasons. If you want the job go for it.

LoisLane66 · 27/06/2023 12:53

You were an impressionable teenager when you met, only 16 to his 22 years of age. He's had 16 years to mould you to his liking and now, when he thinks that you might meet someone else in the course of your work, he tightens his grip and threatens divorce
That's not really the kind of reaction you expect from a loving partner and I'm afraid it underlines his insecurities.
Go ahead with your plans, take no notice of the threats but don't argue or back down.
Remain calm and if he goes ahead with divorcing you then he was never a good person to begin with.
As for other people thinking he's the bee's knees, they don't live with him and he has no reason to threaten them.
Why not mention to those other people that he is threatening divorce if you go ahead and take the job.
If you give in to his demands it will only fuel his belief that he has total control over you and that is criminal.
I wish you all the best and hope that your new job fulfills your dreams.
Never give in to threats. 💐

medianewbie · 27/06/2023 12:57

Stickybackplasticbear · 24/06/2023 23:02

I'm not sure why people are confused about why he hates the police. They are institutionally racist, misogynist and corrupt. So like probs that?

But equally I wouldn't be happy about a man telling me what to do. It also sounds like your role would have potential to work outside of lots of the issues the police have. So I think it's like pp's have said, how is he the rest of the time?

Good points being made here.

usedtobeasizeten · 27/06/2023 13:07

Good luck! Take the job!

Trying2understand · 27/06/2023 16:45

Anyone who throws that out as a consequence of your making a decision/choosing something, is truly not worth staying with. It's a power he is holding over you that isn't healthy. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

ILoveEYFS · 27/06/2023 17:48

Join, don't join. Either way divorce him. He's controlling and not a supportive, loving husband x

hotdiggetydog · 27/06/2023 17:51

Well done that man. Police is a despicable vocation