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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
FOJN · 24/06/2023 23:07

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I have to confess to laughing when I read this, not because I'm incredibly insensitive but I couldn't take this behaviour seriously. Is he really 38?
And is he often like this?

I would be surprised if he is otherwise a loving and supportive partner so I would take the job and let him do as he pleases. If he doesn't initiate divorce proceeding then you will know that he's the kind of man who will use the threat to try to control you and in that case you should divorce him and be glad that you have discovered this aspect of him at 32 rather than 52.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/06/2023 23:08

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7.

He will hate any outside job you do. He doesn't want you meeting new people and having a life without him. Go for the job, enjoy life. If he divorces you then your marriage was based on control, not love.

Hearti · 24/06/2023 23:08

I have a very low opinion of the police (all the internal misogyny, racism, abusive behaviours) however it needs people like yourself to improve.

RoseslnTheHospital · 24/06/2023 23:09

Has he ever in 16 years of your relationship mentioned this attitude towards the police?

Topee · 24/06/2023 23:09

Take the job

Stratocumulus · 24/06/2023 23:12

It does sound like an over reaction.

Could he be afraid you may have access to certain records in your police role which might reveal anything about his past before he met you or is guilty of or embarrassed about, or has kept a secret from yin in recent years?
Ask him!

If you believe his response, go ahead and join. You’ve only got one life and he is being unreasonable.

Curtains70 · 24/06/2023 23:13

I have a low opinion of the police and probably wouldn't consider being with a police officer.

However if its something you want then there should be more discussion about it.

Probably need more info to offer an opinion, how is he in general? Is this reaction a one off or is he like this about other things?

ColdHandsHotHead · 24/06/2023 23:14

He's a twat. Take the job and get on with living your best life.

WeWereInParis · 24/06/2023 23:14

I think there are absolutely valid reasons why someone may not automatically support their partner's career change (is it shift work, does it present childcare issues, is there a financial sacrifice etc etc).

But shouting and threatening divorce is not the way to deal with it. If he's had bad experiences with the police and you've been aware of his views for years, then I can see why he'd be upset. If this is the first time he's mentioning this dislike of the police, then he's being controlling.

Original poster
KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:16

Thanks for the replies. He's not a thug/ criminal or anything like that.

He comes from a privileged background, went to expensive boarding schools and so on.. whereas I come from a very working class background, however, I have managed to get a good degree/ some decent experience over the last few years.

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Apricotflanday · 24/06/2023 23:16

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a policeperson either, as our values might well be incompatible, but if I were in a relationship with someone for 16 years, I'd presumably trust and understand their values and share most of them, and I'd want to talk about it rather than storm off in a temper.

There are plenty of reasons not to have a positive view of the police, but as your husband he surely doesn't see you as misogynistic, authoritarian, happy to enforce laws that go against human rights...etc. etc.?

MaPaSpa · 24/06/2023 23:17

have you ever mentioned being Interested in joining the police before now?

his behaviour is absolutely not on and he should obviously be able to discuss this and his concerns like an adult.

however if my partner said they were joining the police I would also leave. But then again I wouldn’t be partnered with anyone who had that inclination and it would be very clear on the conversations we would’ve had in general.

Apricotflanday · 24/06/2023 23:17

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:16

Thanks for the replies. He's not a thug/ criminal or anything like that.

He comes from a privileged background, went to expensive boarding schools and so on.. whereas I come from a very working class background, however, I have managed to get a good degree/ some decent experience over the last few years.

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

Rather a lot of people from privileged backgrounds are thugs and criminals...but then so are a lot of the police.

nimski · 24/06/2023 23:17

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:16

Thanks for the replies. He's not a thug/ criminal or anything like that.

He comes from a privileged background, went to expensive boarding schools and so on.. whereas I come from a very working class background, however, I have managed to get a good degree/ some decent experience over the last few years.

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

That's really not 'normal' at all...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/06/2023 23:18

I’d be happy to be divorced from someone like that!

If he dislikes the police for a good reason, surely he’d want someone great (ie the person he married) joining so as to improve it at least a bit? If he just hates the idea of a police force he’s an idiot.

SlightlyShostakovich · 24/06/2023 23:19

So he was a posh 22 year old man and you a working class 16 year old girl when you got together, and he's trying to control your life after 16 years? Or has he always 'known best'?

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/06/2023 23:19

Have a fresh start from him. He does sound controlling. You should be able to choose any career path you want. Do you think it's because he is worried about you working outside the home and with other men? What's he been like regarding your previous jobs?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/06/2023 23:19

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back.

This is not normal at all - it’s very controlling.

He is probably very threatened by the idea of you joining the police.

catsnhats11 · 24/06/2023 23:19

Has he expressed similar opinions about other jobs that would take you out the house?

I suspect this isn't about the police at all, but you getting new freedoms outside of the home (his control)

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 24/06/2023 23:20

As soon as someone starts controllimg you like that, time to call time anyway.
What a strange outlook though.

TheGuv1982 · 24/06/2023 23:20

Tell Tarquin to fuck off and take the job.

JorisBonson · 24/06/2023 23:22

I was with someone who disapproved when I joined (also violent and a general cunt).

Some years later, cunt free and very happily married to fellow job.

Don't let anyone hold you back on anything you want to do.

nopuppiesallowed · 24/06/2023 23:23

I always tell my husband when I go out and when I'm likely to get back. Saves him searching the house and garden for me when he needs to ask / tell me something . He tells me when he's going out, too and when he'll be getting back. No pressure from either of us for this and it's nothing to do with controlling behaviour. Just practical and good manners.

stayathomer · 24/06/2023 23:24

Hearti
I have a very low opinion of the police (all the internal misogyny, racism, abusive behaviours) however it needs people like yourself to improve.

I really love this reply (don't know why I'm saying this but it's just so lovely!)

I believe in the police for the most part-have met two creepy police men in my life and loads more who were helpful or supportive or concerned or whatever but am wondering is he coming at it from concern or as a way of control. Two different issues- if he is terrified of you getting hurt-I'd totally be the same, in fact being a Gardai (Ireland) was the one of the only things I told my kids I'd really really struggle with them doing. On the other hand if it's a 'she's home all the time I want her here' then that would be a sign for me to get running and go join the police!!

Gilead · 24/06/2023 23:24

He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting
This is not normal. I know, I lived this life for 23 years and watched my world get smaller and smaller.
I broke free five years ago and still get excited a) that I have friends and b ) that I can go out for a coffee with them and leave the house without permission. AND I don’t come back to an inquisition (except for the dog) no sulking because I’ve been out (except for the dog). No constant texts. It’s lovely.
ill put money on it that if you’re going out without him he’ll try and cause a row beforehand, or sulk. I’d advise Ltb before you spend time in a prison of your own design like I did. I didn’t go out socially for the best part of twenty years. Fucker even stopped speaking to me when I went to funerals.

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