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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/06/2023 23:49

Good riddance to that controlling asshole.

He's groomed you since you were a teenager to do his bidding. Now he can't stand it that you're a maturing woman with a mind of your own.

You are SO young. I'd kill to be 32 again with new opportunities and the whole world before me. Please don't let him narrow your universe.

toodlesofoodles · 24/06/2023 23:50

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 24/06/2023 23:46

I’d feel the same tbh, the police are so corrupt.

also they solve under 3% of house break ins so calling them would do no good other than for your insurance

If this was the genuine reason I'd get it. It isn't though, he doesn't want her to have any independence. The job could be anything and he'd find issue

Zarataralara · 24/06/2023 23:50

If he hates the police bc he believes they’re corrupt, immoral, misogynistic etc then surely a good person ( I assume you are !) joining up is helping to tip the balance? And good family liaison officers are invaluable.
Would you support your husband if he decided on a career change? If you would then he should support you.
Go for the job.

Scirocco · 24/06/2023 23:50
  1. What sort of 22 year old goes out with a 16 year old? (Creepy, controlling, abusive... all come to mind)
  1. He's acting like a child. If he has genuine concerns he should be able to articulate them. Tell him to use his words, not throw a strop.
  1. It's your life. Don't let him dictate what you do.
  1. LTB.
dapsnotplimsolls · 24/06/2023 23:50

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:26

I'm not sure why I feel like this. We've been together for a long time, my whole adult life really.
I've supported him through everything he's wanted to do. I think he just doesn't trust me.

I think he likes you being at home 24/7.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/06/2023 23:51

Neverinamonthofsundays · 24/06/2023 23:28

Trash taking itself out. You should be thankful. Enjoy your new job and life.

Exactly.

A decent partner wouldn't be threatened by your choices but would rejoice that you had found a new opportunity.

You've been with him since childhood. Time for a new start.

toodlesofoodles · 24/06/2023 23:51

blueshoes · 24/06/2023 23:39

We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

So you started going out when you were 16 and he was 22? What 22 year old goes out with a 16 year old. That's creepy.

My teenage dcs will call him a 'paedo'.

Also this

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 24/06/2023 23:51

You can’t join the police and be a Family Liasion Officer, you have to serve for 2 years first. What is the role?

Allinadayswork80 · 24/06/2023 23:55

Sounds like it’s time to stand on your own two feet and carve a life for yourself. You’ve been living under his shadow since you were a teenager and clearly he’s had the control in this relationship. Time to take it back and live your life how you want to, including the career you want to follow. If he can’t handle that and support you, then it’s the husband you should be debating, not the job. Good luck.

EbonyRaven · 24/06/2023 23:56

LTB.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2023 23:56

His reaction has nothing to do with you being a police officer. It has everything to do with you working outside of the home and him losing control.

You don't have to live like this.

Pearlsaminga · 24/06/2023 23:59

he's tried to discipline you for daring to question his rules
I'd be on that job like a rash
are you in fear of him @KoalaBe ?

porridgeisbae · 25/06/2023 00:00

He's entitled to his opinion but stropping is annoying. I hate the police, not for leftie reasons, but because of the three times I reported rapes and all the police did was traumatize me further by how they spoke to me and did nothing.

He might eventually be ok with you doing something with the police.

Or it could mean that you grow in opposite directions and are less compatible.

Pearlsaminga · 25/06/2023 00:03

I think he just doesn't trust me
I think its more that you've misunderstood the nature of the relationship, you may see it as a partnership but to him he is the master & you are his servant. Luckily he's offering to divorce you- how convenient😶

Catsmere · 25/06/2023 00:04

If his concern was for the risks for you joining the police - the extreme misogyny faced by women in the force as well as outside it - he could have said so, and that would be reasonable. But no, he gets in a shit, makes a general comment (has he ever mentioned hating the police before?) and storms off. Like everyone has already observed, he's a controlling creep and you'd be well shot of him.

whynotwhatknot · 25/06/2023 00:04

Op; theyre never always like that though or women wouldnt stay would they-you tow the line so sometimes hes relaxed youre doing as youre told nothing to get angry with you about

as soon as you say you wantto go out get a job etc he kicks off hes losing control

TongueTwistr · 25/06/2023 00:04

In the last documentary that I saw about the murder of Billie-Jo Jenkins, the Family Support Officers were quite candid that their role was to extract information about Siôn Jenkins from the wife and children.
Not sure it's everyone's cup of tea.

whynotwhatknot · 25/06/2023 00:07

also the age you were when you met him-you were a teen just finishing gcses and he was an adult

hes ben controlling you from the start

DojaPhat · 25/06/2023 00:07

He sounds terrible. His reaction is less about the reason and more about the way in which he clearly feels comfortable to communicate with such contempt towards you. It's so disrespectful and if you're only 32 and have been together since you were teens you've probably never had a chance to explore what healthy communication in healthy relationships should look like. Having said that, I'd divorce get divorce proceedings rolling the next working day if my partner chose to join the police, but that sounds like the least of your problems.

Pepperama · 25/06/2023 00:08

To be honest if my other half wanted to join the armed forces, I’d really struggle - it’s put into question whether to know them as well as I thought. So I kind of understand. Have a think whether you’re passionate about this career or whether you’d be open to other things. Definitely sounds like you need your own life much more

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 25/06/2023 00:11

You've been with him for 16 years and didn't know that he hated the police? Really? He can't hate them very hard in that case!

I don't like or trust them myself. My partners have always been very aware of my feelings on the subject.

I would never get together with a police officer, not even for a one-night stand, and if my current partner announced that they were planning to join the force i would (sadly) have to end the relationship.

But i don't understand how you've been 'offered' a role as an FLO without applying. And why this is the only career you seem to have ever considered. There are literally thousands of jobs you could do if you wanted to get out of the house and be more financially independent. Why not look into other options?

If you then said -for example- that you wanted to operate a till in a supermarket, and he told you he 'hated' shop-workers, then it would make it really clear that this is actually a control issue rather than a deeply-held moral conviction about the police.

And echoing the others, it sounds like this is the only relationship you've ever had in your life. And the age-gap is a bit of a red flag - what 22 year old thinks it's acceptable to go after a 16 year old?! - so maybe do let him crack in with the divorce...

Rainbowqueeen · 25/06/2023 00:12

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune has it.

When you reflect, would it be fair to say that you have always been happy to go along with what he wants? Is it possible that that is the reason your relationship has worked so far?? But now you’ve realised that you have your own ambitions you are seeing that he’s not a real partner

I hope you go ahead and have a fulfilling successful career

Lostmum2407 · 25/06/2023 00:12

Sounds like jealousy to me. Go for the job and if he leaves you then is he actually worth it?

CultureHorticulture · 25/06/2023 00:14

It's your life and all but he didn't marry a police officer nor bargain for it. It's justified if he feels he doesn't want to be married to a police officer if he hates them. He may well call them when in trouble to do their job but it doesn't meant he wants to be married to someone working with them.

I'd say the same if you were in his position.

Uokhon · 25/06/2023 00:16

Let him (bet he won’t). Live your life!