Page 11 | DH will divorce me if I join the police force

NoodlePlanet · 25/06/2023 12:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 25/06/2023 13:10

Well. He's shown you who he really is then hey!

FarmGirl78 · 25/06/2023 14:19

Milkand2sugarsplease · 24/06/2023 22:59

Call his bluff. Take the job if you want it and see what he does. If he goes for divorce over it then he doesn't really love you anyway. If he loved you he'd want to see you happy and fulfilled in a job you want regardless of his opinion of it.

This.

Ask him why he is letting his hatred of the Police be bigger than his love and support for his wife.

maybebaby2023 · 25/06/2023 14:36

What a delight he sounds 😵‍💫

huntingcunting · 25/06/2023 14:46

I live in another country in a rural area where quite a lot of people are professional hunters (stalking deer etc). My ex decided he wanted to become a hunter (he was always coming up with ideas like this, never really followed through with anything but that is a whole other story).
I said to him that hunting was a dealbreaker for me because of what is involved - bringing animal corpses home to butcher, antlers as trophies mounted on boards and displayed at home, rifles having to be stored at home. I said that I absolutely was not prepared to have this going on in my own home (especially the rifle thing). And I did say to him that if he wanted to pursue the hunting dream then we could no longer live together and he would need to decide whether he wanted to be a hunter and move out, not be a hunter and stay put or move out and end the relationship completely. (We ended up splitting anyway for other reasons - he was a massive knob).

So yes, it was bad of me I suppose to make this ultimatum but I never once shouted at him or attempted to forbid the hunting just made it absolutely clear what my take was on it.
Your DH can say that it's a red line for you to join the police. You can then decide what to do with the information - not join the police and stay with him or join the police and he leaves. However, he does not get to shout at you and threaten you.

If it's what you really want to do, do it. I suspect he doesn't want you working outside of the home.

KTheGrey · 25/06/2023 19:32

That's ridiculous. He will look very silly saying he's divorcing you for joining the police. I would join and make sure I had put away enough money to leave him without too much difficulty if he insists on being ridiculous.

superplumb · 25/06/2023 20:53

Join up amd let him divorce you. We need more women in the job

Monotonously · 25/06/2023 21:41

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:32

My world feels very small right now. I think it's mostly my fault, but I just don't want to cause arguments. I know how that sounds and if it was someone else saying it to me I'd tell them to run.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

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It's not you. Please reach out to someone, an old friend or family member and explain, you feel suffocated now and you're sorry you couldn't see the control before.

If I was your friend or family member, I'd take you in and talk to you in a heartbeat.

cestlavielife · 25/06/2023 22:55

I just don't want to cause arguments.....He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him

Of course they do
Classic bully, lovely sometimes then nor....
Start reading
Look up "Cycle of abuse"
"Why does he do that"

You've been with him since 16
You can break free

Stick to your plan , if he is lovely he will support you and understand

Sassoon · 26/06/2023 17:47

He's not unreasonable hating the police, especially after what's been coming out over past few years but he's unreasonable trying to control what you do as a career. Let him divorce you if it's the job you want 🤷‍♀️

samqueens · 26/06/2023 17:57

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 23:32

My world feels very small right now. I think it's mostly my fault, but I just don't want to cause arguments. I know how that sounds and if it was someone else saying it to me I'd tell them to run.

He isn't always like this though. Everyone loves him. No one would have a bad word to say about him and that makes me question whether it's just me.

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I highly recommend you (discreetly) read the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and see if it reasonates with you at all…

Many controlling men hide in plain sight and treat others completely differently to the way they treat their partners. Therefore “no-one else would believe it”/ “everyone thinks he is wonderful” / “he has an important job/is highly qualified” are not reasons to assume that its you, or that he is a good partner.

Follow up on the opportunity you’ve been given - full time wfh is a bit of a headfuck in my experience, even when it has huge upsides in terms of availability for children etc which from your post doesn’t seem to be a factor here yet. On which note - read that book before you start trying to have a family with this man and take full control of contraception until you have!

good luck OP

Annemaria · 26/06/2023 17:59

Some policeman get corrupted through their power over others. Some become cynical because they have to deal with such awful people, and risk their lives too. I know some good ones though.

sunshinemode · 26/06/2023 18:04

Stickybackplasticbear · 24/06/2023 23:02

I'm not sure why people are confused about why he hates the police. They are institutionally racist, misogynist and corrupt. So like probs that?

But equally I wouldn't be happy about a man telling me what to do. It also sounds like your role would have potential to work outside of lots of the issues the police have. So I think it's like pp's have said, how is he the rest of the time?

This.
I also couldn’t be with someone who would join the police. For all those saying he should support his partner’s career choice, OP already knew of his views and decided of all the careers one could choose that’s the one she has decided on. He hasn’t tried to stop her making her choice just let her know that he would not wish to be with someone in the police

JanesBlond · 26/06/2023 18:12

sunshinemode · 26/06/2023 18:04

This.
I also couldn’t be with someone who would join the police. For all those saying he should support his partner’s career choice, OP already knew of his views and decided of all the careers one could choose that’s the one she has decided on. He hasn’t tried to stop her making her choice just let her know that he would not wish to be with someone in the police

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So do you think the police should just be disbanded then and we can all just fend for ourselves if you don’t think good people should join to improve it from within? Regardless, I’d be willing to bet the DH has more personal reasons for wanting to join the police given we already know he’s a controlling creep who preyed on a 16yo.

BlueYazoo · 26/06/2023 18:25

KoalaBe · 25/06/2023 11:12

I haven't specifically stated the role for a reason, but it is something along the lines of FLO. Not that exactly.

It's a direct entry program.

I am not trying to get into a debate about the police - I would've just started a thread about that. I'm not sure what's so hard to believe about it? Maybe I shouldn't have stated anything about the job at all, it's not really even about that.

Taking the role completely out of the equation, this does sound like a very controlling and manipulative relationship. It’s easier to give in and not do the thing you want to do to “keep the peace”. I lived like that for 10 years until it completely broke me

Vinomummyinlockdown · 26/06/2023 18:26

👍

Original poster

KoalaBe · 26/06/2023 18:34

Thanks everyone, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days.

I understand why some people are wary of the police.

Some people have said that we need good people to join and change it from within, which also resonates with me.

I'm not the type of person to do something on a whim, this is something I think I'd be good at.

He hasn't mentioned it again and I don't want to bring it up, however, I have decided to continue doing what I want to do. I don't want a divorce, but if it comes to that then I realise it isn't my fault.

OP posts:

PIKNIK20 · 26/06/2023 18:37

That you have been with him since you were 16 is all telling, and that is why he thinks he can control you. Your satisfaction in your career is the most important thing. If you do not divorce him you will regret it till the end of your days. I managed to go back to my initial career only in the last 15 years and I have never been happier. My DH is my driver now and extremely happy to do so. He had to mature to get there. That is the way to do it.

Madamum18 · 26/06/2023 18:39

The issue here is not whether you join the police.

The issue is his appalling behaviour when you want to do something and he, for whatever reason, doesn't want you to do it.

So what if he "hates the police"! You don't and you want to join the police! If he wanted to become a a traffic warden and you said you "hated them" ...would that stop him doing it? I bet it wouldn't!

He is over controlling and high handed and I suspect you are fitting in with his wants in huge areas of your life. Think about that! I hope I am wrong but this really does not sound healthy to me

Join the police if you want to. If he divorces you because of it he does NOT love you

KateKateLee · 26/06/2023 18:49

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

Do you want to be married to someone who will give you an ultimatum like that. He should at least talk it through. I’d want to divorce him for that response alone.

MustWeDoThis · 26/06/2023 18:49

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

Leave him. Tell him you'll find someone with a bigger truncheon in the Police force.

Unsure33 · 26/06/2023 18:50

The relationship sounds very unhealthy and the reaction does sound controlling on his behalf .

you only have one life so I would have a think and if this job sounds like something you would love and enjoy and you would feel your role is worthwhile then I would go for it . You might not get the choice again ,

laylababe5 · 26/06/2023 18:56

It sounds like you have fundamentally different values that make you incompatible. Also he should support you in your career. It will be a lifelong position with a pension which surely can only be a good thing.

Funmum2020 · 26/06/2023 18:59

What's he so scared of ? Has he got something to hide ? Police liasons are lovely they helped us in a tragic time in our lives they aren't out to arrest to literally lias with families of people who have died suddenly or if a serious crime has been committed against you . They are so nice . I dint know what his problem is . I'd go for it if he doesn't like it it's his problem

vaccinistatotebagchicbarista · 26/06/2023 19:02

You’ve been presented with a golden shiny opportunity to divorce a dickhead, don’t waste it.