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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will divorce me if I join the police force

333 replies

KoalaBe · 24/06/2023 22:52

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 26/06/2023 19:04

KoalaBe · 26/06/2023 18:34

Thanks everyone, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days.

I understand why some people are wary of the police.

Some people have said that we need good people to join and change it from within, which also resonates with me.

I'm not the type of person to do something on a whim, this is something I think I'd be good at.

He hasn't mentioned it again and I don't want to bring it up, however, I have decided to continue doing what I want to do. I don't want a divorce, but if it comes to that then I realise it isn't my fault.

OP this has bugger all to do with the police.

It's about him curtailing your freedom and ambition.

The police is just a smokescreen.

Can you see that?

mandlerparr · 26/06/2023 19:08

Is it the job or would it be any job where you actually leave the house? Also, people like your DH can be quite charming to outsiders. Doesn't mean that is who they truly are. They show their true face at home, believe that one, not the public one.

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/06/2023 19:10

he sounds vile

Heygal · 26/06/2023 19:12

On a side note, if you get into police and have to do shift work you’ll likely end up divorced anyway.
statistics don’t lie, I am a daughter of a police officer whose marriage almost didn’t survive and have best friends in the force (on and off the beat) surrounded by affairs and divorces.

ladymalfoy45 · 26/06/2023 19:25

@KoalaBe by deciding to pursue a new career you've put the key into a lock that you can now open .
My world shrank when I was in a controlling relationship to the extent i developed/experienced distorted perception.
Get stuck in and wait for the beautiful sound of the door to your freedom opening.

Pliudev · 26/06/2023 19:33

Loads of people say they 'hate the police' and the publicity they receive seems to legitimise their view. But here's the thing: where would we be without them? When a child goes missing or there's a pile up on the motorway who gets the call? Who would want to deal with the carnage? The police are by no means perfect but they do work the rest of us would run from. They need to recruit more and more decent people of diverse backgrounds and I would say, if you've been offered the opportunity, go for it.
You have been with your DH for a long time and he is used to knowing where you are and what you are doing. That's not really a mature position to be in and could get worse as time goes by. The new job will be a learning curve for you, but also for him. If he can't cope with the challenges of change, well the door is open. Isn't it?

Tessabelle74 · 26/06/2023 19:40

Google coercive control. What's he does to you is actually illegal. He's manipulating you to keep you in line. My first serious boyfriend did this with me when I was 17-25, I didn't even realise what it was until 2 years ago (at 45!!) after watching a programme with Vicky McClure in called I am Nicola. You are not the person you were when you met, but he's trying to keep you like you were. You need to do what is right for YOU, you're still too young to be settling for second best

DonnaBanana · 26/06/2023 19:40

Maybe he is just worried that if you join the police force you will become a stickler for the rules, as if you're joining a religion and will suddenly live your life to the letter. If he downloads a movie for free, does 80 on the motorway, flies a kite in a park or fishes somewhere without a license, are you going to be considering dobbing him in? I think you should discuss this side of it.

ConfusingTrousers · 26/06/2023 19:45

I'm just unnerved anyone is still talking about "a few bad apples" in the police force. Genuinely, that frightens me. The institutional racism, misogyny and homophobia of the police is a matter of public record, it's not up for debate.
I do agree that good people need to be joining up, for good reasons. When my daughter was thinking about it I said as much. But I think it needs to be an organised movement. The thought of going in and hoping to be the change alone was enough to change my daughter's mind (and it was her own research that led her there, not my influence).

Met police found to be institutionally racist, misogynistic and homophobic

Author of landmark report says Met can ‘no longer presume that it has the permission of the people of London to police them’

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/mar/21/metropolitan-police-institutionally-racist-misogynistic-homophobic-louise-casey-report

bonzaitree · 26/06/2023 19:46

Any normal, decent partner would be thrilled you wanted to join the police - it sounds like a great job and it’s something to be proud of.

do the freedom project OP.

whynotwhatknot · 26/06/2023 19:50

shes not even going to be a po and its not really the point -the police are corrupt yeah we get it

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 26/06/2023 19:51

Any normal, decent partner would be thrilled you wanted to join the police

I mean I wouldn’t and I’m normal and decent

Happyandretired001 · 26/06/2023 20:10

The best thing I ever did was join our local police force, I had a fantastic career with the police and have just retired after 30 years service, I joined the force with backing and encouragement from my family, I say go for the job, I am sure you won't regret it

chupachucks · 26/06/2023 20:12

OP this is nothing to do with the police, he is used to having you at home all the time where he can keep an eye on you and does not have to worry about his own inadequacy of not trusting you when he cannot control you or where you are.

This is purely on him not you, he may have also seen rumours about how all the police sleep with each other, it's often cited in the media on places like the daily mail.

He is basically trying to keep you down and in your place as a doteing wife and all to himself he is slowly sqeezing the life out of you and you are now even questioning yourself, that's him and it's working. You need to break the cycle of entrapment he has you in from his own insecurities.

As for people slagging of the police what do you do to help people or the community, do you go put your lives on the line on a daily basis like the police , no I don't think so. Pathetic really.

chupachucks · 26/06/2023 20:12

RunMynamethroughyourbed · 26/06/2023 19:51

Any normal, decent partner would be thrilled you wanted to join the police

I mean I wouldn’t and I’m normal and decent

Funny your response says I'd beg to differ 🥱

Iseeall · 26/06/2023 20:22

I wonder if it's something to do with the vetting process. They vet your spouse and do a home check as well as medical and references. It takes time from being told you passed interviews to being vetted and given a start date.
I think your husband has something to hide.

winterchills · 26/06/2023 20:22

He sounds vile!!!

Zebedee999 · 26/06/2023 20:26

The bloke is a prat.

In my experience people that don't like the police have usually had runs in with them due to their own criminal behaviour, not always but mostly.

born2runaway · 26/06/2023 20:35

People who hate the police are suspicious in my opinion

It's easier to find a new man than it is to find a satisfying and fulfilling career

Plenty more fish in the sea. Good luck with your new job 🤣

Innocents4321 · 26/06/2023 20:37

There are plenty of jobs. I wouldn’t push the issue myself

Misunderstoodagain · 26/06/2023 20:41

Honestly context is needed here. If my husband joined the police I would leave too with our son but then I live in Northern Ireland so that puts the whole family in danger.
What is the reason he doesn't want you to join the police? Has he had a bad experience with them? Environment he grew up in?

FloydPepper · 26/06/2023 20:41

Interesting that the man saying he would split if you chose a certain career is labelled controlling, but no-one is saying that about the women posting that they would, or have, done exactly the same..

HarryBlaster · 26/06/2023 20:50

‘A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre.’ This quote from the Women’s Aid website is supporting me at the moment.

pollymere · 26/06/2023 21:06

I know someone who got divorced after they joined the police. It transformed them. They developed confidence and self-esteem to the point they stepped out from their husband's control and shadow.

It could be he has slightly dodgy mates or similar but hopefully he'll relax once he realises you'll not care that mate smokes the odd bit of weed. If not, then maybe it would be for the best if you divorce him!

Winnipeg23 · 26/06/2023 21:37

I don't think divorce is an easy or necessary good solution...and I don't get the feeling you want to divorce him. But stand up to him. Tell him Ur an adult and can make your own decisions. Make it clear to him that he can divorce you but he's not controlling you. He's older and by the sounds of it wealthier and more confident so he's used to getting his own way. He holds all the cards he thinks. But just let him know he doesn't. That your a grown woman and he is free to make his choices, but likewise you are free to make your choices. He doesn't own you. You are there by choice. Men don't respect women they can push around anyway, so grow a nice set of balls and tell him things gonna change around here. And tell him don't use the word divorce as a manipulative tool to coerce you into getting his own way. Divorce me if you want. If you want an equal relationship accept my choices and love me for who I am.
Just my tuppence worth.
Best wishes!

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