DH will divorce me if I join the police force

[KoalaBe]

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

22 year old gets involved with a less privileged 16 year old.

16 years later you're working from home with a very limited outlook.

Partner throws a strop, stamps off and threatens divorce because you say you want to go out and work for the police.

SAYS it's because he 'hates' the police.

Possibilities?

He has experience with the police you don't know about and is petrified you'll have access to his record.

He is genuinely appalled by cases we've all read about - misogyny, racism, assault, murder - involving serving serving police officers and doesn't like the thought of you becoming a part of their world.

He's worried you'll get hurt.

This means you'll be out. Out of the house, his sight, his control.

Getting opinions, friends, independence and money/pension of your own that don't depend on him.

Outwardly he's great to everyone, who have a different view to the one you've seen.

Everything points to coercive control.

We never go out without saying where we're going, an idea how long we'll be - it's only polite and considerate and means we're more likely to get help if we need it. I think that one could be seen either way.

There's a lot going on here. Do you have children?

“He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent”.

OP, it is not normal. You’ve effectively been groomed by this man who has kept you under his control since you were a child. He’s treating you like a possession, to be controlled. This is NOT normal and not what a healthy marriage is.

I'm not sure about this tbh. I think most people tell their OH where they're going and roughly for how long. My OH has taken the dog to the beach and she'll probably back by 10ish. When she gets back I'm going up to Tesco's?

is he afraid something will come up when you are being vetted?

I tell my husband where I’m going out of politeness, he does the same. That doesn’t sound like that at all, it’s normal to say, I’m popping out for a coffee with my friend, I’m going away for the weekend etc it’s not normal for someone to threaten to divorce you for getting a job outside the house.

it sounds like you are in a controlling relationship. This can’t be making you happy OP. You don’t have to live like this. take the job.

People wouldn’t have a bad word to say because they don’t live with him and his controlling behaviour.

I hope you enjoy your new job and the divorce isn’t too tough

He does sound rather controlling.

I think it’s fair to consider how you would feel if it was the other way round but if you’re expected to support him but then fit in with what he wants you to do, that is not a balanced or healthy relationship. Would he have a problem generally with you working outside the home? Or is it “just” the idea of the police?

Where did you work before you started to work from home. Was he ok with that.

My he does not want you to get out of your box does he? Your world being small is not your fault, he's conditioning you to think that way. Do the women in his family work outside the home or are they good little wifies always at their husband's beck and call?

I'd take the job and call his bluff tbh.

It isn't about the police. He doesn't want you working outside of the home. You have some hard thinking to do.

Take the job…nothing more to be said

She hasn't mentioned her sex life? But anyway a 16 year old is NOT a ' child' when it comes to sex .You may think it wrong, but the law of the land dies not agree.

The post is not real anyway BTW!

If you take the job, your perceived status would be above him, it'd hurt his tiny ego...

I have no time for such people.

I doubt a 22yr old man preyed on a 16yr old child just to play tiddlywinks, but whatever. OPs marriage is shit and she should ditch the foul bloke.

I have a theory. Woman marry thinking they can mould or change a man. They can't.
Men marry thinking a woman will never change. She will.

You've finally outgrown him. You've been the dutiful mother and wife and now it's your turn. Yes, if you wanted to become a Police officer then that's something that really needs to be talked through together, but an admin type role? His behaviour is controlling. Which do you want the most, a life or him? Seems to me he's incredibly over confident if he thinks he is your life! Not anymore mate. Do your worst!

He’s a controlling abusive coercive prick.

live your life as you wish-you only get the one, so don’t regret it

@Hellocatshome - high five my thoughts exactly

OP stop blaming yourself for his behaviour and threats.

You've been with this older man since you were 16.. him 22 ?

Go and do what you want and live your life.

According to the pp above you, you're probably/likely "criminal scum" for hating them. So is everyone else on this thread who hates them, not just OP's husband. What say you to the pp?

(I don't hate the police)

It sounds like you’re not exactly “joining the police force” OP, rather that you’ve been offered a civilian role working alongside the police. So his reaction is particularly odd and controlling.

It’s your life, your career and you need to do what makes you happy. We are at work a large part of our lives and if this role would be fulfilling then take it. It does sound like it would bring a lot to your life and make your world less small.

Can you join straight into flo ?
There will be long days and nights,missed birthdays,anniversaries,holidays etc so perhaps that's what he doesn't want.
But it's your life and if you feel you can commit to the job then do it.
Leave him to sulk.

"Hates the police" is a huge red flag for me.
He does not sound like a nice man or husband. Let him divorce you.

But that’s the thing with a potential troll post. Pick a contentious subject like the police and then throw in controlling partner that you were 16 and he was 22 when they got together. But because it’s made up there’s something not quite right like I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference). I worked for the police as a civilian for 15+ years and the way this is worded doesn’t seem right.
Just an observation, no more no less. I loved working for the police, I’d recommend it wholeheartedly.

Police officers are not allowed to access police held information in their family and friends. It is at least a police disciplinary matter if not actually illegal - not100% sure.