To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

My inspirational friend wrote this recently. A lot is about parental wellbeing which gets overlooked (altho covers strategies etc too). It's a bit different. She has 3 with SEN (one ADHD)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Different-Perspectives-Worlds-Special-another/dp/B0BXNBDJRC/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=different+perspectives+different+worlds&qid=1687708496&sr=8-1

How old is dd?

One that I as an adult with ADHD would recommend is that rather than trying to get your child to do things the neurotypical way that seems the obvious and straightforward way to you, you focus on the desired outcome and why it is important, or why certain behaviours cause problems, and then you help your child to work out a solution that works for their ADHD brain. And teach them to expect and make honest plans for failure/forgetfulness/executive dysfunction rather than trying to get them to mask their ADHD which just causes bigger problems down the line.

In my case, I know that I will regularly misplace my keys, diary, shoes, phone etc making me late, or will leave my lunch at home. The "obvious" solution is to develop routines and habits to remember them. The trouble is, that this is a LOT of effort for something with a very high failure rate. I can manage when I'm full of energy and focus, but if I'm not on top form, those rigid routines will crumble, and I'm left exhausted from the effort, and ashamed of my failure, and regularly let people down.

So instead, I accept that my disability means that I will regularly mislay/forget things and instead plan for how the minimise the effects. I have trackers on my phone, wallet, keys, handbag, headphones and diary. I keep an old pair of smart shoes at work so that I can just fling on any old pair of shoes if I can't find the ones I planned to wear. I also have an emergency meal replacement shake at work.

I can't always remember a complex string of instructions. I used to try, really really hard, and sometimes get it wrong or forget things and be seen as unreliable. Now I'm upfront and stop people to ask them to pause so I can make a note of what they are saying so that I can remember, and not only have I become more reliable and efficient, but now my NT colleagues have started doing the same thing because we all forget things or get distracted sometimes, and this way the whole team works better.

In terms of what that might look like for a child, it might be keeping an old PE kit in their locker for emergencies, or getting rid of their wardrobe and replacing it with a clothes rail and open shelving with baskets you can see into easily, or keeping a small dirty laundry basket in every room of the house, or putting a pull-up bar in a doorway and a balance board or Swiss ball in the sitting room to allow for nondestructive movement.

Add in an injury and it's fucking hell.

He won't let me take him to A+E or the walk in - is insisting I wait for the dr tomorrow, but what happens if I can't get him an appt? Then what?

How to explain to the receptionists he has autism and ADHD and simply will not get in the car to go to the walk in.

He woke up 6 times in agony last night but won't take painkillers.

Get out of my head! 😂

I love this!

We can either laugh or cry 🤣

That sounds really hard. Have you asked why he won’t take the painkillers? I wondered if it might be texture or something in which case you could mix them with something he likes?

If you call the GP I’d recommend explaining the situation and that he’s ND- I’ve seen friends experience this and they sent someone out on a home visit. Alternately you might find a drop in centre could be a bit quieter than A&E and they can treat a lot of things (and triage at the least for less wait time).

Sorry, I misread the bit about walk ins- I’d definitely recommend calling 111 if you haven’t as they can get a nurse or doctor to call him back. Then you have some idea of urgency and they might have other ideas besides.

I have to laugh, on a regular basis.

As I say, the one I feel sorry for is my one NT child who has to live with the rest of us. He's probably on MN, asking for advice on how to cope with a mother with ADHD.

*@Lacucuracha

DD is in her late 20s, diagnosed at university with DD - after I had raised concerns with the school about her from age 12. I knew there was something wrong with her executive functioning, but didn’t know what it was. She is quite different from DH. I had her assessed by a speech therapist and neuro-educational psychologist in her teens. They found problems in her cognitive processes, but as she could work in a quiet room 1:1, the attention problems didn’t show up. She had also learned strategies to cover it up, which I didn’t know at the time! The school ignored what the professionals and I said.

I believe she goes on FB groups or whatever for women with ADD/ADHD. She could not live independently without support even now!

Typo - ADD

Thanks @Quisquam . Sounds like she’s lucky to have you.

You might have fallen victim to a degree of sexism that existed until lately. It’s only been recently discovered that females present very differently to males with ADHD, but the diagnostic criteria was modelled on the male incarnation. Girls tend to be less hyper and loud and more inattentive (not always but often.)

The irrelevance of the old criteria might have been why you had so much trouble getting a prompt/accurate diagnosis. I’m sorry you went through that.

I'm so with you in this. I'm at my wits end and having a really bad day. My daughter is 12, AuDHD. I'm REALLY struggling to stay sane. Everything is a struggle/argument. Brushing teeth, getting ready, getting her out the house, rudeness, disrespect, selfishness ..it just goes on and on. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I really don't want to be around her. She ruins every bit of spare time (rare as it is) We have as a family with her unreasonable behaviour. She moans CONSTANTLY during what are meant to be enjoyable walks in nature, she is destructive to the extreme and breaks everything from tech, clothing, furniture, doors, windows etc. I can ask her to do/not do something until the day I die and she will continue to not comply. How do we keep going? It's a miserable existence and I've truly had enough. How are we meant to keep going when we have to face this every day...? Help!

Hang on in there @peeriesheltiemummyof2

I first posted this a year ago and while today has been fine, I really remember how frustrating DS was the day I posted ( and many other days since!) . Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

it’s truly shit sometimes. We deserve respite care!

Thank you for the words of encouragement x