To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

I understand op, I have a just turned 12 year old with asd and adhd medicated but it’s bloody full on. It’s a struggle to get up, to get dressed, a fight to brush teeth, can’t tie shoe laces can’t express his feelings unless crying/anger/ frustration.

There are so many things he struggles with I can’t even write them here. It’s full on morning till night, if he settles, if he’ll take his melatonin if he’ll hand over his phone or iPad when asked. It affects everything he has 3 older brothers he takes up so much time it’s hard to spread myself equally id hoped it would get easier as he got older instead it is harder, more frustrating, exhausting I can’t even be bothered writing this as it’s taking mental energy to realise how tough things are. So I get how hard it is, how energy sapping etc and he’s his older brothers needed nagged to do stuff but not the same at all. If only it was.

As a fellow ADHD mum, I absolutely feel you. My DS has it on quite a severe scale.

The boy my be all and end all. I live and breathe for this kid. I've changed my entire life and vocation to work around him and his needs. My love for him surpasses any other love I've ever felt in terms of 'unconditional'. No matter what, he has me. Always.

But fucking hell, it's haaaaaard work!

The short term memory issues, the meltdowns, the chaos with literally everything he does, the mess and destruction, the constant failing friendships, the over dramatics of something trivial, the instant switch from "I love you mum" to "I hate you, I wish I could go into care!", the taking forever to get out the door in a morning, the rudeness, the never listening, the constant arguing and having to be right all the time, the telling lies and tall tales, the NEVER EVER sleeping!!!

Sometimes I feel like I'll have a breakdown. And it's been years worth of painful battling to get any help from school, family (who refuse to acknowledge his diagnosed condition, because "there was no such thing as ADHD in my day, you just gave em a good smack!") or other outside sources literally designed for families such as us.

You're not alone OP 🌷

Having read all this, I'm now feeling sorry for my NT child who has to put up with my ADHD as well as that of his siblings.

My own experience is that it's not too difficult to parent an ADHD child if you have ADHD yourself, because things like a DC realising at 11PM that she hasn't got any Tampax make perfect sense.

I understand (slightly different I have two with asd) I said to my friend last week (who has a child with adhd and agreed) that the difference between parenting asd dc and my other dc is emence. It's so time consuming from fighting for education and NHS care to just making sure they've done everything (while not triggering them), hoping the day at school hasn't caused too much stress, making sure routines are maintained etc ... its never ending. I don't have the answer but I think lots of people will understand and those that say its normal behaviour its not (I have twins nt/nd and the difference is growing as they get older).

We tried meds. He went from seeming like he had hearing loss to actually responding when I was asking him to do things.

Unfortunately due to heart palpitations he had to stop them, and back to the beginning we go.

Agreed, I have ADHD as do my two fine sons and we rub along because we get each other, although the tooth brushing thing gets even me as I over brush mine or else I don't feel clean. I can imagine a NT person looking at us and our utter chaos and being thoroughly appalled though!

This in spades! It’s constant & it’s taken to extremes. Thus although the behaviour is fairly typical in a child that age people don’t see how relentless it is with a ND DC.

I'm with you OP. The relentlessness is exhausting. We also have ASD in the mix, anxiety based school refusal and teenage girl hormones. A lot of the time we are literally just making it through each day hour by hour with potentially years if this still to get through.

I remember when DD was first prescribed medication for her ADHD, DH looked at the consultant and asked "and what medication can you prescribe for the parents?" The consultant paused for a moment before laughing and saying "sorry there's nothing we can do to help the parents." The consultant understood though.

I find the total opposite. My son is ADHD, and so is his dad. Him and his dad clash. It's a "so alike they clash" situation. Both of them struggle to.see things from others point of view, including each others. And it often leads to intense arguing because neither is capable of understanding or empathising with the other. But put them with completely different personalities and they totally different.

One of the biggest issues we've had with my sons school is them grouping all the ND children together (because it's apparently easier for the teachers to manage if they stick them on one table away from all the NT kids) amd.the constant clashing. But last year my son was in a class seated with his best friend, a quiet well-behaved studious boy, and we had the best year out of him both educationally and behaviourally.

ADHD people are often very influenced by others, as they have trouble with decision-making and forward-thinking, so following others is how they try to navigate through it. So I've personally found that my two ADHD'ers respond better to completely different personalities.

Me and DH, for example, are like chalk and cheese. A lot of people have said how they wouldn't have put us two together, but have acknowledged the massive difference in jow he used to be before me, and then after meeting me (not boasting btw, I dont think Ive cured him! I just think he finally matched with the right personality to bring out the best in his personality)

I'm with you OP and I'm sooo tired. I also have a 14 year old with autism and 5 month old twins. Times are hard. Some people will dismiss it but the ones that understand feel for you.

Try not to beat yourself up. You're doing your best and it's all you can do! X

No advice OP but I have a DP and daughter with ADHD and I feel your pain.

Sorry, I'm not trying to teach you about your own condition here btw, @thepantsoffmethod Im just so used to having to explain my DS's and DH's behaviour and personalities to others, it's just become second nature to speak like I'm teaching.

I wish my ADHD two were able to understand each other like.you and your DC. Your DC must find it very reassuring. I sometimes worry for the relationship of my DS and DH, when DS approaches his teens (not far off!). The clashing I fear will become pretty extreme

There are other meds you can try that aren’t stimulants. Google non stimulant adhd meds (I can’t remember the name and need to go put my adhd 10yr old to bed so may be an awhile! )

Oh goodness yes. Dh is 48 and I have to instruct him as much as our 14 and 10 ND DC. Thankfully I have 13 and 8 NT DC as they also help me instinctually, because I think I would have actually pulled my own hair out explaining the same things again and again and again and again AND AGAIN...

(Am also a teacher, so I don't get respite at work either. A lot of my patience is used up there tbf.)

It's a good job I bloody love all involved. But I am realizing the importance of self care.

Mine is now in 20s. Functioning a lot better, holding down a career, able to organise self ish though still often chaotic. Recently went to one of these talks when I nagged about it and was blown away. https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/cc/the-adhd-collection-1327349?aff=odclrlmctfte. Came away feeling really proud of himself and what he has achieved and lots of great insights

My sanity was saved by lists. Lists on the fridge of all the things DD had to do. I would point. She'd do one, then wander off, start an art project, come back, look baffled. Point. List for school, lists for packing bags. Lists.

Least said, soonest mended with ADHD.

She makes her own lists now.

I get it, OP. My DS (9) has confirmed ASC and suspected ADHD and it's exhausting. I have to stand over him whilst he brushes his teeth because he forgets what he's doing mid-brush. He can barely dress himself without needing me standing over him and giving constant prompts. Our life is visual timetables, social stories, strategies, strategies, strategies and it's utterly draining.

Solidarity. Also have an 11 year old with ADHD plus an ADHD partner. I’m beyond exhausted with the constant chatter, questions, arguing, repeating myself. It’s relentless.

You want exhausting? Try being an ADHD parent with an ADHD child. Organising them and yourself ..... freaking impossible.

It is hard. I have ADHD too and parenting ADHD DC is still unbelievably hard. It is relentless.

All my 3 DC have to be badgered to brush teeth/shower etc and the eldest is 15! I am also sick of it. They aren't ND, just lazy kids.

We've both got it and although it's a good job DH is here to stop the whole house descending into chaos, I think on balance it's better. I am ahead of DD in terms of strategies, tips, leaning the hard way.

For example she came home with a project, 6 weeks to do it. We got it done in one weekend. Because we felt hyperfocused with lots of energy. At one point she said, "should we take longer?" And I said, "nope with ADHD you catch the wave when it's there otherwise you'll do 90% now and never ever do the last 10% and feel guilty and anxious for 6 weeks". I didn't know that and my parents were all "slow and steady blah blah" which didn't work for me at all. When I learned to cram, do what I could when I felt it, not feel bad when I couldn't, the world got easier.

On a very basic level I can tell DD that the helpful advice of others is for NT people, you have to do what works for OUR brains.

@Franticbutterfly its not being badgered. I agree, my NT 6 year old needs to be badgered. But she doesn’t forget what she’s doing halfway through because she’s spotted a bit of fluff on the floor that has to be inspected immediately, like ADHD 7 does. Then after inspecting the fluff he forgets he was brushing his teeth so goes to try and get ready, only to be turned around and frogmarched back to the bathroom.
He doesn’t complain, he doesn’t protest or resist, he’s the most compliant child I have ever known. He gets back on with it because he’s not doing it to be annoying or defiant. That’s where the difference is.

Hmmm sounds exactly like my NT 10 yo tbh. Sorry OP doesn't help!

OP thank you for saying this! Agree 100%. I have 15 yr old with autism and ADHD, a partner who I am convinced has ADHD or at least strong traits and 10 yr old with autism and dyspraxia. I'm sick of the lot of them sometimes. Any advice like you say is about maybe he feels this way, or maybe its hard for him because of this.. At no point is my struggle acknowledged. I have to bend and mould to accomodate everyone to the point where I dont know who I am sometimes. Things have to be repeated, rephrased and spoken in a different tone of voice for each of them. Then half the time they forget what I've said or worse, claim that I'm lying and I never told them whatever.

I must not show emotion so DS1 doesn't kick off, on the advice of his psychologist. I must reduce words and make sure he understands, I must simplify instructions for DS2, I must not rush or pressurise him as he becomes upset and struggles with buttons, coats etc. I must help out and keep the calm when DH is running around looking for lost things and stresses out the other two, I have to protect DS2 when DH and DS1 are shouting at each other as he gets upset. I cannot raise my voice ever but am accused by DH of having a tone when i show signs of frustration. I seek help for stress and am told to stop keeping it bottled up, but there is no where for it to go without going against professional advice in relation to DCs diagnosis.

I sometimes wonder if being a NT person in a world of ND people is just as hard as the opposite??