To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

For the sake of clarity - by suggesting examples of duos or trios, there was no implication of reduced ability whatsoever. And of course there can be no limit to the number - or complexity or age appropriateness (even up to adulthood) - of any trios / or lists / or whatever suits that family or individual. There is no implication of 'only' being 'able' to remember '3' things.

But there is something in having a different way of approaching how we build capacity to recall within the context of ND, specifically ADHD. Which through no fault of the individual is extremely challenging for parents ... and the individual themselves!

And absolutely it's relentless.

Ultimately developing routines or the knack of gaining skills in how to mitigate the negativity associated with 'not listening / not remembering /getting distracted / never finishing/ always forgetting/ always needing to be told' pays dividends in spades, eventually, over years at some level ...

But maybe there's also something about accepting that we are dealing with diversity here. And there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

Different, yes. But not wrong. Nor worse nor less than nor failure.

Totally agree about having high expectations, and these need to be embedded within the very different context of accepting - and celebrating - the ND. Lots of posters on here commenting about the impact and messages they internalised growing up.

My life is check lists.
Toilet thing I started removing an hour of electronics for toilets not flushed and hands not washed as its wasn't forgeful it was just lazy.
Each kid has laminated check lists for different things like packing school bags and laying uniform out. Morning checklist for getting ready. Then one of the back of the door to check before leaving - which is for me too.

I have to use lots of checklists, alexa reminders, phone alarms as instuggle with processes and remembering. I teying to teach kids to self check and scaffold themselves.

Giant static white boards sheets are good for homework schedules and reminders.

Removing electronics for an hour for not flushing a toilet is ridiculous

@MrsTerryPratchett - the ONLY time I haven't lived in some sort of chaos is when I had a very large spare room that I could fill with crap. Like an overgrown storage cupboard.

I'd love 2 dishwashers, then I'd just use what is in the clean one as I needed, load it into the dirty one and then swap. Kitchen would be way tidier if I had that!!!

It’s the constant chatter for me. I need peace and quiet to function and I just don’t get it.

I do have a child with ADHD as it happens but my other child could be equally, but differently, annoying and frustrating too. We all get fed up at times or overwhelmed but sometimes it helps to step back and accept that they can't meet your expectations FOR NOW. Be positive about what they can do and pick up the pieces for those they can't.

When I was having a hard time with our eldest once, two friends separately said to me, this will pass. And it's true. Sure, different challenges come along but the ones bugging you now WILL go away. They do eventually learn to do things / mature and change.

I feel exhausted just contemplating the effort that would entail.

OP and others posting, I hear you. I WFH on Friday and I cried all day whilst getting shedloads of work done which is a skill I started developing 10 years ago when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been widowed for nearly 7 years now and I’m totally exhausted from parenting ND DS, and now NT DD is doing the pre-teen hormonal thing. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few years. My life hasn’t been my own for so so long.

Once you get it set up and kids get into gear it's 100% easier. All mine kids are ND. Don't get me wrong mornings can involve much shouting (swearing ddeom the teen) and eye rolling as someone has moved someone else stuff etc. But mine thrive on same routine and structure.

I am in the same position! I have 2 children that have ADHD and myself.
Medication for me has been a lifesaver.
But even then I am exhausted. It's the constant reminding everyone of what needs to be done and then me knowing that an organised house would make things so much easier for them but the disappointment at myself that I can't achieve this.

When I say exhausted it's not physical it is definitely a mental exhaustion,
I really would love a PA/cleaner etc but someone who understands ADHD.

Yes exactly. I have two kids also, and only the younger one has ADHD (he’s 9).

Its totally different, is all I can say.

Can’t just expect them to get dressed (ie manage all the steps of it) whilst you get ready yourself. You have to keep reminding them of things, which means you need twice as much time in the morning.

Can’t just ask them to do the homework - with mine you have to sit there next to them, doing absolutely nothing else because anything else you do with distract them.

Hi, my daughter is 22 with ADHD and Autism. ADHD diagnosed at 15, Autism more recently. All can say is, please do try to parent accordingly for your, and their, sake. There is just no point trying to parent my daughter like a NT. It's bloody hard but, try to get used to their funny ways and to stay calm. It does help but it's sooo hard 😔

I hear you.
DD8, adhd but not diagnosed (yet) as we have had years of ‘It’s cause she’s adopted’ and ‘she’s doing really well considering the trauma’.
But it is absolutely relentless. When I say she talks non stop people say Oh, mine too, girls are chatterboxes. When actually she NEVER stops, if it’s not talking it’s humming or making some kind of noise. Reminders, constant reminders, for every little thing.
Her need for attention is constant.
From the moment she wakes I am:
“can you pick that up; stop dancing and brush your teeth; walk down the stairs properly or you’ll hurt yourself; sit on the stool properly or you’ll fall; just put your top on without swinging it around the room; sit down to put your socks on you’re going to fall over; eat your cereal without swinging your spoon around your head; just brush your hair without doing acrobatics at the same time; why are you upside down?; please put your bowl in the dishwasher; don’t swing on the dishwasher door JUST PUT IT IN; get your shoes on; please get your SCHOOL SHOES on, why are you putting on sparkly slippers?; why are you upside down again?; get off the back of the sofa and get your school bag; stop looking at your reflection in the tv and get your school bag; please get your school bag; tell me that story later, get your school bag; why have you opened the fridge GET YOUR SCHOOLBAG;
It is relentless! And she is talking the entire time. Mealtimes are horrendous as she will not stop talking or wriggling long enough to eat anything.

I hear you. I feel you. I am exhausted.

Mealtimes are horrendous as she will not stop talking or wriggling long enough to eat anything.

We had the 'one cheek' rule. As long as one bum cheek was touching a seat, as far as I was concerned, that counted as 'sitting nicely at the table'.

I mean you have to laugh.

My adhd kid is 16. I'm with you. No one mentions the bloody parents coping! He's bigger than me these days. We've had a few tough weeks but he's now back on his medication

We have a ‘go and come back’ agreement. Where she can leave the table to wriggle, run, whatever, for a minute or two, and then comes back and sits for as long as she can and eats a bit more. If she stays at the table she slides of her chair or lifts up her knees or puts her feet on the table (!) or starts telling a story forgetting she has a forkful of food waving around. Attention span of a gnat 🙄

Hugs op my son is non verbal adhd asd and honestly I don’t know what I’m going to get from one day to the next with him! It’s extremely hard I don’t really get a rest as I constantly have to pick him up from nursery as they can’t cope they have halved this nursery time as it is! Untill he gets a one on one! Ehcp has been delayed a entire year! It’s shit! Xxx

NT people are very hard to be around for people with ADHD.

Just so you know, it works both ways and you are not superior because you are NT.

All you parents with kids with ADHD sound far more patient than me. Nothing you describe fits with the challenging behaviour of my NT kids when they were this age. It’s a different ballgame entirely as you eloquently describe. But I guess you do it, find strategies etc because what’s the alternative?

There is clearly so much love and understanding here. I would feel incredibly frustrated at times as I am impatient and like things done my way. You sound more tolerant and flexible than me. The toilet thing would really test my patience.

On threads like this, surely it’s fine to share frustrations and tips. It can help keep your sanity. And maybe these posts can teach those of us who don’t have much contact with ADHD in our day to day lives something about ND.

Who is saying they are ‘superior’? Is that how it reads? I didn’t get that from the thread as a NT person but I am interested that’s how it has come across?

Have you removed all fortified foods from their diet?

I'm on e if the parents caring for a child with complex needs and think tabby. You have to remind him to do basic task and that frazzles you? Really? Believe me life could be very very different I wish that's all I had to do

ADHD woman observing quietly here- absolutely, it 100 % comes across this way.

ADHD is a neurological disability, and it can’t be framed as the child wilfully being ‘difficult’. The apparently ‘easy’ things are very hard for us and our brains process differently.

There are a few things which may be interesting to know. Being NT people often don’f understand what is going on beneath the surface as we usually present as cheerful.

Our bodies do not produce dopamine correctly. Every time an NT focuses, is motivated, remembers something- it’s not from your innate willpower- the chemical effects of dopamine are facilitating it.

It’s physically painful to sit still. Being in constant movement relieves some of this pain and that helps us to focus more.

our minds do not retain short term info well and we are constantly stressed when people complain about even trivial things. You might not see it but each complaint makes us feel cumulatively worthless and helpless and overwhelmed. Studies show most children with ADHD also end up with a form of PTSD as they have internalised a huge cumulative number of complaints and criticism from childhood.

One interesting comparison would be repeatedly criticising a child with mobility disability because they are unable to walk, for their whole childhood.

While I’m sure NT parents do love their children it generally does not come across that way to us as we are highly sensitive to rejection. As well as having dysregulated dopamine our amygdyla is more active- we feel emotions more strongly than is typical. Acceptance is the greatest form of love. Most of this thread reads as very resentful and without any interest in what the child experiences. If you can understand their world then you can create more productive solutions.

If you resent your child they will feel it and it will affect your relationship in the long term. Many peers with ADHD have withdrawn from their parents in adult life because they felt they were never enough.

For example NT solutions like lists don’t work for us. Because we have executive dysfunction (affecting coordination, prioritising, planning)

We also have limited bandwidth. If we are shouted at for loads of trivial things, we get overwhelmed and then often freeze regarding important tasks. Ideally, choose what is essential rather than depleting our energy and yours.

Our apparently annoying chatter has a lot of functions. We are often overwhelmed and anxious so it helps us to feel connected, knowing the other person is there. We love to share info with people and it is a way of showing our love. Our enthusiasm gets crushed when it is rejected.

Talking also helps us to remember what we are doing and, again, it is physically painful not to release this energy.

We also talk because it helps us to focus and process, so if we have to stay silent it makes it hard to function.

I am happy to post a few videos if you want an idea of what we go through every day and if if is helpful. You can take a break; we never can, and have the added burden of others totally misunderstanding our condition.

I suspect my 12yo has ADHD (as well as the Dyspraxia she is diagnosed with) it is relentless. She does set herself alarms for lots of stuff and she now gets up super early (5.30) to give herself the faff time she needs before she goes to school. But the mess and losing stuff is unreal. We are on our 3rd Oyster card in 9 months with a £10 fee every time.

The most memorable was at about 9 she put a very large glass of milk on one sofa cushion and could not understand why it fell over when she sat down on the other one......

All true, @Chickaboop .

Various people have suggested setting alarms etc. I set alarms all the bloody time, meaning I have an endless string of alarms going off, all of which I postpone, and so they mount up even more and become stressful and naggy.