To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

(Also another tip- because of our executive dysfunction, the best way to help us do something is to remove as many steps as possible. For example even as an adult when I do laundry, I don’t perceive one task, rather loads of confusing steps which we can’t process simultaneously. Our brains don’t perceive time like NTs, so it’s hard to sort in logical order or predict outcomes. And we can forget any component at any stage, and this is exhausting!

NT: Wash laundry, hang up

ADHD: Find laundry, put in one place, find powder, put in machine, remember stains, take out of machine, get confused about whether one should just soak and delay the laundry, get overwhelmed. Come back to it, soak needed stuff (at this point very stressed and in physical discomfort).

Set laundry going, forget powder. Rewash. Forget it finished. Early eve, go to find basket, put in basket….etc.

You can apply this experience to everything we do to help ADHD children to manage. We cope by engineering steps out- for example, if you keep laundry basket lids open it it removes a step. Using stain removers in the machine every time removes a step. Keeping replacement loo rolls in the bathroom, sticking reminders to things, having auto-opening bins, all of these things make a huge difference to us and free up space for other tasks.

Ah come on now, being caught in short supply of sanitary products could happen to anyone- especially a young woman.

Every month? Anyway, I said that was my least favourite - do you have experience of someone has no organisation, doesn’t understand what you say, can’t understand official forms, and who forgets everything? Birthdays, meetings, appointments, prescriptions, meals, to charge their phone, no cash, no idea how much money they have in the bank (because they haven’t opened any post for a year)…..

@Chickaboop that's interesting.

I do try not to always criticise as I know she cannot help it but sometimes it's very hard not to get frustrated. I do worry about when she is older. I think her dad is also undiagnosed ADHD and he has a very strained relationship with his mum.

I do now recognise when she's anxious - she's gets very worked up over small stuff and will scream about everything and I am very careful not to react as I know it's just her letting out the worry. But she often then also lashes out at her sister who is less understanding.

Love this comment! I have to say that I found this thread extremely upsetting to read.

I currently have 12 alarms reminding me to drink water and keep forgetting to switch them off 🤣

I think people don’t realise that we are in almost constant physical/emotional discomfort and the seemingly ‘small’ tasks are excruciatingly painful and take vast amounts if effect - we get burned out because we put so much more effort into everything than NT people. And it’s still rarely appreciated/shown empathy.

This is so lovely to read and gives me hope I'm doing the right thing!

Visual aids. Children with adhd are so distracted that what we carry out in daily tasks they struggle to keep the focus to maintain these daily tasks. I have to organise my ds on a morning 10 and to be honest I use the visual aids(can be bought on eBay) as a visual reminder for him but he struggles to maintain that focus. However he is heading on to teenage years and most children at this age are forgetful. From forgetting pe kits to water bottles, keys, you name it.

It might be helpful to know she will feel just as much, if not frustrated, with it and with her limitations. I think if you can make her your ally within the condition you can both share ideas for solutions, which is more empowering and calming for you both. You might find ADHD - focused solutions designed for ND people help more- asking adults with ADHD for tips, reading about the way our minds work- then you can play to her strengths.

We can get confused about what we think and feel which can lead to meltdowns. It can be very valuable to teach her how to self-regulate by both working out what she is feeling and experiencing. Just as an enquiry, an informal question and answer session in a peaceful space. Being led by curiosity helps as it’s a big motivator!

Why is this please? I suspect 4 year old has Adhd but too early to diagnose. Diet does seem to have an interesting effect on his behaviour/demeanour, including some food intolerances.

Can you invite your parents on here, I find those from the older generation were so much more laid back than us and really kept order in their lives. I think this is probably why diagnosis are so late for some people because a lot of parents really went the extra mile to help their children rather then ridicule them. Your parents sound so lovely and caring as well as very calm.

Me and ADHD DD14 had a massive row yesterday because things really got to me. It's really really hard sometimes.

I say this with understanding but how you phrase this worries me, because longterm an ADHD child will register the emotion over everything else - we are very hypersensitive to it- and resentment/ anger can be profoundly damaging to your relationship and to your preferred outcomes.

(My apologies, for some reason I am unable to edit and quotes aren’t working- so it’s likely unclear who I’m replying to…probably a glitch with Google login!)

It can be so so hard, more so as I suspect I have adhd myself (something I’ve been saying since I was a teen, not jumping on any ‘fad’).

Mornings in my house are utterly exhausting. I have a son with high needs autism and a toddler, so whilst rushing around trying to get them clean and dressed for the day (ASD son hates getting dressed so is running around or kicks out), I’m also begging my eldest to get dressed. He gets distracted by everything. Screens, books, jumping around, stimming (he’s on the pathway for ASD as well). He can get himself dressed but cannot focus for more than 10 seconds. I lay out his clothes in front of him and he’s so hyperactive they accidentally get chucked everywhere, so then he screams he can’t find them. I get up an hour and a half before leaving the house, do 90% of the next day prep the night before and we’re still down to the last minute every morning. Then when we get to his school it’s another war getting him to focus enough to get out of the car, literally stood there saying his name over and over. By the time the kids are in school I’m wiped.

However, as I said I have my own adhd traits and I always remember how little anyone understood me as a child. How I was constantly shouted at by everyone, called useless, lazy, needed to ‘pull my socks up’, ‘just get in with it, it’s not that hard’. It wrecked my mental health. It’s so hard to have patience, but it’s down to me to model the behaviour I want from my children. I rarely shout, use physical cues, I don’t meet negative energy with more negativity. I use a firm but neutral voice when giving directions, all actions and consequences are immediate and once the moment has passed it is not brought up again. I have days where I do get snappy, but I always apologise after. I never want my children to feel the way I did for something we simply can’t help, however much it irritates those around us.

I haven't got time to read the thread (sorry I hate Those People!) but has anyone on here suggested the book How NOT to Murder your ADHD child?

that book makes suggestions for all the things you're having issues with.

It worked well for us.

Good if it helps, but when I saw this book come out I was appalled by the title. Ir’s a good example of the derogatory way even psychologist frame us. We have a disability.

Imagine another book “How not to murder your child with cerebral palsy/neurological injury/mobility disability.”

All these things might be hard to encounter but it’s very striking that it was considered an appropriate title.

‘How NOT to Murder your ADHD child’

Who on earth thought that was an appropriate book title?? My son would be horrified and heartbroken if he found that book in our house, quite rightly. However difficult it is to live with someone with ADHD, it’s 100x harder for the person living with it, I’d think whoever wrote that book would not understand that in the slightest.

I haven't read the full thread as I often find posts about ND on AIBU descend into nastiness and I just find it upsetting. I just wanted to say that I was an extremely difficult child and teenager in many ways and I am sure that my parents were often tearing their hair out about me - I don't have much of a relationship with them now I am an adult and I truly believe it i because they essentially gave up on me - let me just get on with whatever I wanted to do, didn't protect me from myself or seek any help for me, just got fed up with me and left me to it. Apart from the small things like you describe above, about which my dad would shout at me, everyday. One of the difficulties with ADHD is that often the person is perfectly aware that they need to do these things but get completely stuck - I see things I need to do all the time, but don't do them - when I was a kid this would be my homework, tidying, self care. I am still frustrating to live with but dh loves me and I know it - I didn't feel that from my parents. Try to stay patient and let him know he is loved - it's ok to tell someone that their behaviour makes things difficult for others and try to find a solution together (post it note reminders for flushing the loo, for example), but always from a place of love and not criticism. He's about to enter an incredibly difficult stage for people with ADHD, I would be thinking ahead to how he is going to manage secondary school rather than worrying too much about his minor day to day difficulties.

109 per cent! If I found a book title like that belonging to someone I trusted, especially as a child, I would never trust or feel safe with the owner ever again.

Just ignore the "boys will be boys" minimisers. There's no point engaging with their ignorance.

I absolutely agree, Op. It is exhausting, and relentless. We are in the GCSE phase in our house, and trying to support ASD/ADHD DS through his mocks revision is not for the faint of heart. I am sick at the thought of what the real exams will bring to our family next spring.

Best of luck, GCSEs are so hard for ND kids. It’s actually what caused my first major breakdown. I was already struggling so badly, it was making me physically ill. One day I missed the morning but managed to get to my afternoon mock. My head of year marched up to me in the hall asking where I’d been. I tried to explain how I’d not been well and she screamed at me - in front of my entire year just before my exam - ‘you are always FULL of excuses, we’re sick of it!’. I left that day and refused to go back.

I’m so glad children these days have so much more understanding and support.

Some of the advice here is really helpful thank you.

I do feel though that the thread is very much focusing on what OP or other parents could do to make life easier for their ADHD children. I feel like I've read a million things about this, but never much advice on what the parent can do for their own wellbeing and mental health. While the expectations of a NT person may be higher, they are still human and what is being demanded is way above and beyond what is manageable for most. There are a lot of comments saying you should never criticise your ND child (rightly) yet when an exhausted stressed parent reacts as any exhausted stressed person would they are immediately criticised for their behaviour. Its seems a little harsh. I think its important to remember that while daily tasks are easier for NT people life is hard too and they are not super human.

Limited screen time (including tv), strict routine, opportunities to burn off energy ?after school sports clubs etc) and medication helped us. With those steps in place he’s got a lot better over the years.

Yes. They are great. I had a great deal of struggles growing up and have a lot of challenges still but my parents were and are great. I do struggle to maintain my house the way a neurotypical does so my parents gently remind me about things until I’ve done them, like getting my car or house insurance sorted or getting someone in to do the guttering.

I am a water sensory seeker so when I’m feeling overwhelmed I get in the shower and sit down. Having that lightbulb that I can adjust in the bathroom really helps because I also struggle with bright light when I’m having a bad day. If my parents had restricted my shower time when I was younger it would have led to so many meltdowns.

I was also always, always doing cartwheels or handstands as a kid, but was allowed to just get on with it most of the time. We were allowed to remove the cushions from the sofa to build a den or slide down the stairs on them……as long as we put them back properly when we were done. There are so many restrictions put on kids now, and for the neurodiverse ones it makes life doubly hard.

ADHD: Find laundry, put in one place, find powder, put in machine, remember stains, take out of machine, get confused about whether one should just soak and delay the laundry, get overwhelmed. Come back to it, soak needed stuff (at this point very stressed and in physical discomfort).

Set laundry going, forget powder. Rewash. Forget it finished. Early eve, go to find basket, put in basket….etc.

I know it's not funny, but 😂

I'd add after 'get overwhelmed': "Put laundry thoughts aside. Remember that you have four plants in the sink which need to be planted. Start digging holes, then remember the laundry. Stop digging, go back inside, remember that you haven't replied to an email. Sit at computer, look at Mumsnet and forget about the email. Remember about laundry. Go to soak the item, and remember the plants in the sink. Move them to a washing up bowl, then realise you can't soak the item because the plants are in the washing up bowl." And so on...

Water sensory seeker! I have one of those (who also does incessant handstands...)