To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

Your parents sound amazing 💜

We have very low expectations in our house, something that I have to constantly remind my husband. I find myself repeatedly asking him "does it matter?" Not in a snarky way, but actually, does it? Does it matter that he wants to roll around on the floor eating his dinner rather than sitting at the table? We're at home, not dining with royalty. Does it matter that he's flicking through tv channels constantly rather than watching one thing, it's not something we're trying to watch.

I also despise the words "properly" and "nicely". Sit properly, walk nicely - to a heavily sensory seeking autistic child (and likely adhd), actually he is walking in a way that is nice to him, or sitting in a way that is proper to him. Instead I use phrases like "walk safely" when he's trying to leap down the stairs, as that's at least a mutual frame of reference he might be able to understand.

I just hope I'm getting things right with him. All I want is for him to feel happy, secure and loved.

You can take a break; we never can, and have the added burden of others totally misunderstanding our condition.

Not really! DD2 is diagnosed ADD, DD1 who has a whole host of complex needs also meets the threshold for ADD; and DH is clearly undiagnosed ADHD. DD2 and DH also have OCD!

I have the added burden of picking up the pieces for all three of them, and fitting round two of them with different forms of OCD.

With adhd it takes a minimum of 40 times doing something everyday for it to start to become automatic. That's a huge task.

Forgetting to flushing the toilet went on for ages, but me getting him to stop gaming and go and flush the toilet every single time registered after about 6 weeks. It's not laziness, it's the brain jumping tasks. Now it's repetition and it's actually really good.

I remind myself this when losing the will with my 16 year old.

Remind them gently every time. Build that repetition. It's hard work but it does work. We use visual cues a lot with success. I have notes on the door asking him to lock it when he leaves the house.
He often left for school with front door wide open and all lights, fans, television still on.

With things that are irritating you and there are other solutions, try to use them. Obviously this won't work for teeth brushing.

In our house a major bug bear was leaving the bathroom window open in mid winter. always flinging the window wide open and walking away. In summer no problem. I now lock the window in winter and use a dehumidifier instead.

The other thing was leaving downstairs windows open and going out with the house unsecured. We put contact alerts on windows and doors now so we can monitor what's shut from our phones.

Windows and security seems to be a recurring theme!

I feel your pain. They struggle so much so normal parental responses don't work. Then they berate themselves. It's a hard path between parental sanity and not damaging the child's self esteem.

I am not NT, but all of my 3 dc are ND too - so I have to meet their needs, alongside dealing with my own difficulties and quirks. I sometimes think it is easier that our whole household is ND (dh likely is too, although he is not diagnosed) as there is no expectation of NT behaviour. However, our needs don't match up perfectly and there are clashes and compromises still. I think the saying 'you are only as happy as your unhappiest child' applies here - if things are set up as well as possible for dc then it is easier to find peace for yourself. I've made some big changes to support my dc (two are home schooling) but this has resulted in a much happier atmosphere at home and everyone is more relaxed. Other than that I would say find something for you and do it - I spend a lot of time playing music - my ND gives me the ability to focus intensely on this and it gives me a great deal of solace - whatever is going on I can always retreat into this space. You might have been looking for a different answers, but you can't change your dc, you can only help them navigate the world, so you have to find ways within that remit to look after yourself.

One of the reasons we are suggesting this is with that in mind, too, tbh. The best comparison I can make is that pushing ‘against the tide’ in certain matters is going to exhaust the NT parent, often without constructive outcome (which is even more tiring).

Learning to identify what is ‘essential’ (structure, safety and modeling positive skills) and what can be dropped, will get you better results and spare a lot of energy besides. Also understanding that you might be suffering because the orthodox methods advised by NT people might not produce the results you want.

Perhaps I should clarify that an individual without ADHD, while exhausted, and with other factors and differences play in which may definitely be hard, will never really know what is is to exist with ADHD 24/7.

It’s not possible too, really, but it’s such a complex condition that it’s hard to convey the experience, and how the lack of choice factors into it. A parent can walk away for a moment, but we can’t walk away from our own minds.

The main reason I’m mentioning it is to help people understand that most children really are trying, they may be overwhelmed but everything you see them do will have taken monumental effort and usually motivated by a wish to please you- I think that might make it feel better sometimes for parents, as I know it must be hard when it feels like you aren’t making a difference. You are, but it’s a huge thing to push through as navigating the world takes continual work for ADHD types, every second.

Massive empathy OP and all the other parents on this thread, whose children have ADHD and similar. My youngest has ADHD as well as autism, and while my partner is optimistic that one day he will be able to take care of himself, I honestly don’t see it ever happening, and despair at times. Not because I don’t love him and don’t want to take care of him, but I worry how he will cope and because I know he wants to or will want to manage himself. And because I’m knackered.

We have found a cleaner who is flexible with whatever state she finds our house. I know that when she comes she'll clean whatever is available to her, so e.g. whatever of the floor in my daughter's room is clear! Sometimes the house is tidy, sometimes we just pile stuff on beds and couches so that she can clean underneath 😀. It's a done is better than perfect situation because whenever she's not available it tends to fall apart. And we are motivated by the deadline each week to tidy. Ours does a full house once over but not deep cleans because as a family we are good at occasional large efforts but struggle with the daily routine. I know another family whose cleaner does deep clean portions so the whole house doesn't have to be tidy. If you can find someone flexible who knows your expectations it could make a huge difference. Rather than them feeling frustrated that they're not able to do their job properly for each visit.

DD tells me, people with ADHD have worse relationships with family and friends than NT people. Imo OP, it’s due to the extra work they cause for their relatives and friends!

Oof. I know it was difficult parenting me as a child but I'm glad that my mum and dad didn't make me feel like I was "extra work"

I think I accidentally voted YABU, but YADNBU! I feel this way about parenting my almost 8 yo who has ADHD. It is incredibly frustrating.

Exactly-all this reminds me why I prefer other ND people for myself and my ND kids. 😳

@nosykids Thanks for words of wisdom.

With me it's the stress of the responsibility that gets me. This week I lost a card that I had written and misplaced when I went to post it. No big deal right? I also forgot tickets to something but sorted it out. All week I have felt panicked and continually berated myself and questioned why these things happened although both were minor. The reason is I CANNOT lose things or forget things because if I do we are all f*cked. I am the organiser, finder, rememberer and reminder.

Thanks for this. The remove a step idea is really insightful

I have ADHD I was most definitely extra work for my parents growing up, they werent resentful but I don't see the issue in saying the truth. There is typically more work involved in parenting a child who is ND, and there is a woeful lack of support for parents, both can be true and not offensive to someone who's fault it isn't.

OP only now I'm older do I realise how relentless it must have been for my family growing up and pushing and fighting to get me a diagnosis and then to support me. I wish there had been better support for them, and for me outside of the family to give them more respite. Sadly i don't know the answer beyond trialling different things like whiteboards, lists etc and finding something that works.

Thank you! The great thing is that this also removes steps for the parents- they might not need it as much but it should still reduce at least some of the stress.

I think a lot of people think one has to do household stuff ‘perfectly’ or in the typical way but it can be quite liberating to try something different. Often you can find great new systems this way that work for everyone.

It’s a hassle planning them initially but can also be a lot of fun, especially if you corral your ADHD child into helping you think of creative solutions… and once it’s in place you don’t have to think about it as much.

Thanks for this.

yes, it’s definitely ADHD. Diagnosed by NHS.

I totally get that kids are often generally like this, but with ADHD, it’s on a whole other level.

I think the diagnosis has actually given me permission to be frustrated by this.

Before, I’d think maybe this is me? Either that I’m parenting badly or that I have no patience, but it’s definitely really extreme with my son.

he also drives his teachers to distraction, so it’s beyond what they’re used to!

I think this is the thing- it’s so hard not to lose patience when you’ve constantly got to pick up the pieces!

have just read through everyone’s posts- it’s been such a relief to realise I’m not alone. Thanks for all your words of support- it’s made me feel much better.

As a PP said, it feels like I’ve found my tribe!

@Probablygreen you basically described my day in your first post.

so much wisdom and great advice on this thread. Thankyou x

This sounds like me.

My son is 7 and has not been diagnosed with anything but I do suspect ADHD.

That sounds just like me. I find I'm often stumbling over my words because I'm forced to dish out so many warnings / reminders that i don't want to have to say and I'm tripping over my words trying to get it all out.

I see hazards and warn against them and am ignored so say them again, along with 100 other reminders etc....then the accident happens, the accident I was repeatedly warning him about, and then there's lots of tears and I have to comfort but really I'm just so bloody pissed off and frustrated because I foresaw it all and warned him numerous times.

It's utterly exhausting.

He is also addicted to YouTube/ switch, which I am not proud of. But the mornings are hell. He follows me around narking at me about things, or demanding that I watch him do things etc, or just making a total mess, YouTube is the only thing that will keep him contained whilst I get the rest of us ready for the day.

I give him his clothes while he's watching you tube and tell him to get dressed but he doesn't. Just sits staring at the screen with one leg in his pants or whatever. CONSTANT reminders. I'll say "get dressed or I'll turn it off" and he moves at a snails pace. If I then follow through with the threat he goes nuts and starts crying...and still not getting dressed, and it just delays us even more. He can't seem to understand "ok, if I just quickly get dressed I'll get it back."

Aware it sounds like awful parenting from me but I'm utterly stuck. I have younger kids to get sorted in the mornings as well, and I can't deal with him following me about / causing chaos which is why I allow yountube, but it does bring its own problems.

I have DS15 with ADHD and DH too.

Even DH still forgets everything and cannot cope with sorting anything out. It is incredibly frustrating and I totally understand but people with adhd can't always help it. There are checklist things you can make or buy online and these have helped DS to make sure he's got his swimkit or football boots for school on the right day, but I have to remind him to check the list! You can also set up Alexa to give you a list of what you need each day, but it still means you have to take on that job. It's stressful and I understand

Also have a water sensory seeker and am able to get my water rates capped. On a meter but they are capped at I think £32 a month because his occupational therapy and educational psychology reports identify the need so we’re used as evidence for the scheme. He uses a lot of water but it’s a necessity, not a choice.

That sound tough. Especially stuff like it hurting to sit still.

The world is very much set up around certain behaviours and expectations. Maybe that’s why NT parents want their kids to get dressed properly, go to school on time etc. To prevent the kids being rejected and miss out even more. It feels like an impossible situation and forcing ND people to live in an NT world isn’t the answer really.

Thanks for sharing your experiences in a calm and informative way. It’s really helpful.

No problem- the good thing about knowing this stuff is that you can get much better effects with this in mind which is what I hope for parents…

For example if you let your kid move/ fidget when you want them to listen or process something, they’re much more likely to listen as they’ll be much more physically comfortable. Otherwise it’s kind of like working when you’re ill; it’s harder to focus when in discomfort.

Most NT-authored parenting books aren’t aware of the physical pain people with ADHD get when trying to keep still/focus which can make their advice really unhelpful. Then the parent is left demoralised and wondering what they did wrong.

It’s also really useful to get attention with physical cues. Sometimes we can respond with our unconscious steering and respond verbally, but still haven’t consciously processed the message- a bit like sleep-talking or sleepwalking. A physical interrupt can get the ‘focusing’ conscious part of the brain working. So you could try the required task, wave, hand the thing over, gently move their hand towards it. This also spares verbally repeating stuff over and over!

Your child might also be overwhelmed by something ambient- we process sounds as louder (similar to ASD) and sounds also overlay at similar volume, making it harder to distinguish them. So if you’re struggling to communicate switching room may help.

Here’s a few interesting simulators which might inform good troubleshooting techniques! So you can target things to make your life easier…and get an idea of what might work. These are all by real people with ADHD.

Simulator to evoke processing dysfunction in ADHD

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xfo1tZ95Ypk

Everyday sound/experience simulator

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t32CK5t8d2Q

Internal dialogue simulator

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2fYg5hSgtug

Just to add, one of these contains flashing images so please be careful if you have epilepsy of migraines x