To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

[Hotterthanhades]

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to god I will lose my shit if I have to ask him one more time to flush the toilet/ brush his teeth/ remember his water bottle!!

He is 11, so old enough to do these things, but needs to be talked through everything constantly. I’m so tired of the constant reminding him to do the most basic stuff.

I have read all the coping strategies for helping kids with ADHD, but it all focuses on the kids. What about the poor bloody parents??

I sometimes feel like there’s all this chatter about ADHD, and how to help people with it and accommodate them, but no acknowledgment that there is a frazzled NT parent who can get F* all done because they are having to walk an older kid through every step of the day.

I know it’s not the worst situation to be in. And there are others caring for kids ( and adult children) with really complex needs. If that’s you, you have every right to say AIBU

but are any other parents of ADHD kids at the end of their tether??

@MrsTerryPratchett that's great advice.

Also totally alien to the way I do things so worth reflecting on for DD.

Think I'll stick it on the fridge!

I mean……pick your battles and stop nagging over every little thing? As a neurodiverse person (ASD) it is so exhausting being nagged at all the time and actually makes things so much worse because it makes you think you’re not good enough….even for your own parents who are supposed to love you unconditionally. It’s really, really damaging.

Are you holding him to your neurotypical expectations or making some reasonable adjustments / allowances? I mean, is it actually THAT big a deal if he doesn’t flush the toilet every time?

I hear you. I have a 12 year old with adhd and it's exhausting. He seems to need constant exercise, can never remember where he is supposed to be, wanders off at school pick up time. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He's always climbing things and doing acrobatics and I'm scared that one day he's going to have a horrible accident.

What I mean is, yes teach him rules of society that are absolutely non negotiable but maybe let some of the other stuff go? And find strategies designed to help him instead of nagging and picking at him. Lists, phone alerts/alarms etc.

Agree @MrsTerryPratchett the one thing that saves us is that I'm several decades along the track and can coach DC in understanding the pros and cons of ADHD! And yes we pretty much need to ignore what works for everyone else.

Yes OP, I am also often at the end of my tether.

DS10 was diagnosed with ADHD about 18 months ago and started on medication about 4 months ago. It's helped massively. But he's losing weight and sleep on it so he doesn't generally take it at weekends/holidays. And then I forget from one weekend to the next just how much bloody hard work he is when he doesn't take it.

So yes, I understand and sympathize OP.

And to those saying it sounds like their NT 11 year old...I'd bet my house that you'd change your point of view within about 15 minutes of the average school day morning with my son. 😅

@MrsTerryPratchett - I'm a single parent, so I don't have anyone to stop the house falling into chaos, especially if I super focus on something (the wrong thing, more to the point).

But I get your point, that I am able to give better advice.

Still exhausting though.

Please will people stop saying it sounds like normal NT behaviour. Maybe the nagging about water bottles etc. because that is of absolutely no consequence to your NT child and they know you will keep reminding them or do it for them. But…

Does your NT child need a 1:1 in school, purely for the purposes of making sure he actually does something? Not needed academically, just to actually start and carry on with the task? Mine does.

Does your NT child need constant reminders even when it’s to do with something they actually like/enjoy? ie. To look where he’s going when he’s riding his bike, even though on at least 5 occasions he’s ended up in a ditch or similar because he’s decided to turn around to talk to you midway through riding? Mine does.

Does your NT child ever do activities that don’t involve talking to you constantly, like watching TV or playing by themselves or with another child? Mine doesn’t.

Does your NT child have things that they love to do, like reading, jigsaws, playing with toys, playing a computer game, but can’t actually engage with because their attention span is as short as a toddler’s? Mine does.

It’s really not the same.

Get that out of your mouth, you’ll choke.
Pick that up please, if you just drop it there someone will stand on it and it will break.
Flush the toilet, remember you have to do that every time you go.
Didn’t you just pick that up, can you see it’s on the floor again? Pick it up please.
Drinks at the table only please, because remember last time you… oh, it happened again. Can you clean it up please?
Oh, you tripped over? What was it you tripped over? That thing you’ve now picked up and dropped 3 times? Pick it up then and it won’t happen again.
Can you remember what I asked you to do? See that wet patch? Clean it up please.
WHY IS THIS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN?!!!

This is heartbreaking. The poor child on the end of this list of constant failure.

ADHD parenting requires a superhuman amount of tolerance and patience, but ultimately needs to preserve the self esteem of the child. Because hand in hand with an ADHD diagnosis is a terrible belief that you are - in fact - a horrific, useless, waste of space.

"What 3 things do we do each morning?" (Dress, teeth, wash) (List or pictures depending on age)

"What 2 things do we brush each morning?" (Teeth/ Hair)

"Which are you thinking of doing first? Teeth? Great. Give me a shout when you're finished."

Helps to build repetitive recall. Helps to prompt 'seeing' themselves doing it.

"What 3 things do we need as we are going out the door?" (Bag, coat, shoes)

Noticing and articulating on multitudes of small things that HAVE been done.

ALWAYS finding something positive to notice.

"Great job! You got your pants on. Give me a shout when your trousers are on."

Standardised mutual support.

"Let's all check for things we need to pick up."
"Let's go and check the calendar for what we have on our plates tomorrow."

If my long-suffering DH ever dies or leaves, I've said I will have to get the smallest, tiny little flat ever. The only time my things have ever been organised and I haven't hoarded is backpacking. If I have 60 litres of space, I can cope. A house? Full of utter shite all the time.

DD and I will need to have bunk beds and no storage. No chance to collect projects that are never finished and tat everywhere.

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind It’s not heartbreaking. Really, DS is the happiest, most content little boy. He certainly has no self esteem issues! And as I said, he’s happy to do what he’s being asked to do. He has to learn, and home is the safest place for him to do that, because other people will not make the same accommodations for him. ADHD is not an excuse.
Don’t feel too sorry for him, he has a lovely life and a lovely family who he loves very much 🤣 I’m just pointing out the relentlessness of it.

All the best op and reading with intrigue

It's interesting on the threads about screaming children at the beach/woods/park/gardens.

I realised when DD was quite small that I could choose one of three options:

1. Spend my entire life with her telling her "no" constantly everywhere and end up with a depressed, anxious, sad kid
2. Piss some people off in some places
3. Piss everyone off, everywhere.

I chose 2. In a restaurant she was perfect (and policed within an inch of her life). In a children's library she was OK. On a beach she was a raving banshee crossed with a Tasmanian Devil. Yes, I try to pick a deserted beach in November. Yes, I try to do what I can. But she needs to run and shout and work off all that stuff. And she can't in the house (or downstairs will murder me), she can't in indoor spaces (ditto) so outdoors is the only place.

Some days I wished for 3. To be able to send her out to the trampoline to bounce at 4.17am (her usual waking time) rather than waiting until 9am and STILL annoying my neighbours? It would have been bliss.

Another one finding it relentless and challenging in a different type of way as DD (10) gets older. All the strategies make sense when you read them etc but implementing them in the real world with a child with ADHD isn’t always that straightforward. Whilst you can focus on for example the three things required to get them out to school when they are little and whilst they might get there with getting dressed, toothbrushing and so on, in our house there’s normally a tornado left in their wake.

Solidarity to all the others who might find it relentless at times.

@MrsTerryPratchett I sometimes think we are doppelgangers 😁

Sometimes, the huge cumulative impact of 'always being told (off)' because you have 'done/not done something' when you have ADHD is masked by the high energy/ sunny & fun nature that is also a 'superpower' of having ADHD.

"ADHD kids are always in trouble with somebody for something."

It does take a toll.

It's not a question of how intensely the child is loved nor casting any doubt on how fiercely a parent loves their child - and I certainly was not in any way wanting to imply this whatsoever so please forgive me for that.

These are ideas for how to support and build up internal self capacity for remembering, and being 'set up to win'. Gradually. Incrementally. Over. Years.

Telling and reminding are immediate strategies, but do carry implicit criticism of having done something wrong. (Or, of being wrong for 'forgetting' or 'getting distracted'.) Ultimately when the teller/reminder isn't there, life will fall apart.

But the learning to adapt to function in the NT world isn't the half of it.

The bigger half is ensuring that the unshakeable, innate, core belief is that - even with ADHD - the individual is awesome, incredible, fantastic, and CAN get things right.

These things are far more important to verbalise. Because they then get reinforced and repeated too.

I feel your pain today, my daughter has adhd and spent at least 1 hour having a meltdown over some toy she was playing with, I kept telling her to watch a film or go on her tablet to calm her down but she wouldn't listen. I had a baby napping on me so couldn't do much to help her at that point. She threw a teddy at my head also and told me to shut up a few times. She isn't medicated, but getting to the point where we may have to look into it to see if it will help.

I suspect my dh would say something similar about living with me.
'Did you remember to put the washing in the dryer? No, that's ok I'll pop it on again and we'll do it together'
'Can I bin any of these half finished projects?the one that's been here for 3 years maybe?'
'Did you wash, eat or drink today? No? you're tired because you forgot to go to bed last night, I'll make you a sandwich'

It's an endless loop of me starting and never finishing anything, getting overwhelmed and failing at basic things. He gets frustrated and annoyed but I'm also an adult so he can say when it's too much and has found ways to help me focus or follow through.

As a child my parents just thought i was 'odd' and the constant 'you did this wrong' made me think I was a failure (it's still a mindset I can't quite change). It's not your fault and caring for an ND child is hard, but work together and find ways to manage that work for you both.

I use the rooster app with my suspected ADHD DD. She has tasks that need to be done every day so the app is a reminder for her and a way for me to track without being on at her- I'll say 'have you updated your rooster today' and she gets on with it rather than a barrage of 'did you do x, y, z'. and an added bonus/motivation of cash when she does everything! Just small amounts that is what she'd get in pocket money, maybe £5 a week but it's the dopamine she needs to keep going.

There is nothing worse when you’re in the throes of a meltdown because you’re completely overwhelmed with something than someone telling you to do something ’to calm down’.

I have to remind my son to eat because he gets so distracted by screens/ noise in the garden, the water feature in the dining room that you have to remind him to take every bite.

If I do get a bit frustrated, he apologises. I don't want him to go through like apologising for something he can't help.

The meltdowns are something else though because he's also autistic and has sensory issues.

I feel like I've found my tribe 😄

My son was diagnosed autistic at a young age and as he's getting older I'm getting more and more convinced there's ADHD in the mix as well.

Can I ask what the diagnostic process is like for younger children?

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind you’ve phrased this very kindly and I appreciate that. I get that you’re trying to fight his corner and I understand why but genuinely, he doesn’t need it.
We’ve actually managed, through this relentlessness, to get to the point where he does get himself ready on a morning with minimal prompting. He remembers what he needs for his bag and he reminds me to pick it up as we’re going out of the door. We don’t have stressful mornings, because he knows exactly what is expected of him. He’s got a great routine, but it HAS taken years of reminders to get to that stage. Now we’re on to the next thing, and I expect it to take just as long to master that.
I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with having high expectations for ADHD children, as we would with our NTs. Are we not doing them a great injustice by assuming they (many of whom actually have above average intelligence) can only remember to do 3 things?
DS is praised regularly for his achievements. He finds lots of things difficult, but he’s always encouraged and we celebrate every little win. He has a high opinion of himself, because he should, he’s amazing (as I actually said in post 1!)
We all enjoy our home life, it’s not a bad atmosphere at all.
Still, it’s relentless, which was the OP’s point.

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind also, he’s very rarely in trouble, either at home or at school. NT DD gets in far more than he does!

Threads like these really make me realise how lucky I am to have my parents. Even though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult they still made adjustments for me as a child because they picked their battles.
Examples include……
I slept literally ON my dad for 6 months as a toddler after an insect ran across my face one night.
They took a paddling pool to the beach and filled it with seawater for me to sit in because I hated the feel of sand.
I had adjustments made to my meals so I could eat it i.e. mum would make a mince/tomato base, then take out some for me, add the spices etc to the other for chilli and then different for me (garlic powder and a tin of heinz spaghetti). And I was allowed a big bowl of cereal if the meal was really difficult to adjust.
I was never nagged about the small stuff……and was allowed to play how I wanted to play.
Routine was encouraged but not enforced.
But I also knew exactly what was non negotiable so knew exactly how to behave in restaurants, family gatherings etc, but was never forced to stay with family guests. The rule was you must come and say hello and engage with them for a few minutes then you’re free to do what you want. Occasionally I got it wrong but was never really shouted at.
As a teenager I was never nagged about length of shower or bath time etc.
Even now, they still support me without nagging. My dad recently researched and bought me a special lightbulb for my bathroom that can be adjusted using my phone….I can change the brightness and colour to suit my mood (I’m 42). My mum visited and helped me with a first visit to the tip. Now I know and can do it myself.

I’m not saying anyone is a bad parent or not supportive but please please let some of the smaller stuff go and consider what strategies will help your child. Like, what are their sensory preferences? Create a little corner in their room they can go to to decompress and self soothe, even if that’s a little tent with a lamp or fairy lights in. As a child I had a cabin bed so there was a little cubby hole underneath I could crawl in with my favourite pillow.