AIBU to expect my friend to have checked on me?

[WalkingDisaster1]

Name changed cos this is outing.

I’ve been away this weekend with a group of 10 strangers in a national women’s walking group.
It was all women except for my friend of 15 years.

I’m a larger woman and we planned to go for a walk as a group, it was meant to be 1 mile which was absolutely fine by me.
What I didn’t expect was the hill, it was more like mountain climbing.
I got out of breath quickly and the rest of the group except 1 woman charged on ahead.
I had a panic attack, the worst I’ve had in years. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to go back. I told the woman I was with and thanked her for staying with me, she went off to the group and I walked back.

The group leader had the accommodation key and had to send someone who was a runner back with it for me.

They suggested I drove to meet them and I did but they were nowhere to be found and there was no internet nor phone signal so I went back to the accommodation, put the key in the key safe and left.

I sent the group a WhatsApp message saying I couldn’t find them so I’d put the key in the safe and was going home. I’d planned to go home early evening anyway (I have young kids) when they were staying a second night so I just left a few hours earlier.

Now to the point… my friend didn’t come back to check on me and it’s been 8 hours and I’ve not heard from her at all. I know signal isn’t great around there but other people managed.

I would never have done that, if I knew my friend was struggling (especially knowing their mental health struggles) then walk be damned, I’d have been back there to check on them.

Aibu to have expected more of her?

I suspect your friend hasn't replied due to a mixture of bad reception and enjoying her weekend. I think it was a difficult situation for them though if they went on a specific walking weekend and you struggled before one mile, even with a hill.

Did you message her individually when you left or got home?

Mmmmm.....I don't know. You text the group, she knew you were ok - you'd caused a drama on a 1 mile walk - maybe she is waiting for an apology??

How is having a panic attack causing drama?

There's no signal, she knows you're fine, she's busy taking part in the weekend.

I messaged her too just saying 'I still had her bag and I'd see her soon, hoping her walk was nice' but it isn't read yet.

Do you know SHE'S OK? I'm a catastrophiser and would be worried she's hurt herself!

Because one lady had to walk to the group to inform them, and then someone else had to run back with the key for you?

You had a panic attack over a hill? Sorry but I'm with your friend, she knows your okay from others in the group. I'd be enjoying my weekend.

This all sounds a bit daft

Let your friend enjoy her weekend OP

She probably thought you were fine and just decided the walk was a bit much. Plus, depending what time they got back to the accommodation, they may not realise that you left earlier than planned.

Sorry OP. YABU. You text the group saying you were fine.
And I'd be annoyed that you signed up for something that you were not physically prepared for or capable of doing.

I'm sorry you had a panic attack though and glad you're ok.

Why did you go away with a walking group if you can't walk a mile up a hill?

Bear in mind that not everyone has the same mobile reception - if your friend is on a different network she may have no signal.

For context, this is the first time I've been away with anyone after having severe anxiety and depression for years. I put weight on and I wasn't expecting hill climbing. I would have been fine on a flat walk. The panic attack was about feeling bad for holding other people up along with being with people I barely know.
I thought oh this would be a good start to recovering... 🤷🏽‍♀️

Who planned the activity and didn't they publish the route before people agreed to the weekend?

Honestly, OP, what was it that you were expecting from a walking group weekend, if you struggled with a mile’s walking? And you had a violent panic attack from walking up a hill? And when you say your friend ‘didn’t come back to check on me’, do you mean a text message or that you literally expect her to return early from the walk? Or to follow you home? Assume you meant a text message, you say yourself the signal was rubbish in the area.

People are being harsh on here- you gave it a go, but it the walk was beyond what you thought you could manage. No harm done.

I do think you are being a bit unfair on your friend though and you know that there are issues with phone reception etc. For all you know, she could be feeling a bit miffed that you left without saying goodbye.

If she was your partner I could see how you could be annoyed, but she isn’t and you both had separate travel arrangements.

Are you sure it was a mile? A mile is a 20 minute walk, surely it would be 10 miles if it's a weekend activity. I think your friend is probably a bit miffed at being abandoned, did you car share?

Your OP originally sounds like it was a male friend "It was all women except for my friend of 15 years."

You'd told the group you were OK. They are off having fun. They know you're OK. They'll check in when they have chance.

YABU to go on what sounds like a full walking weekend when 1 mile with a hill is too much BTW. Sounds like you needed a gentler group.

Your friend is probably happy you made it back ok, and realises you are a grown adult that doesn’t need to be asked if they are ok, when you have already said it.

youve managed to sort the key safe and everything! Everyone will be chuffed all is fine. No need for over anxious checking up to make sure you really really are absolutely fine.

I think you are expecting too much from your friend, it's her break too she's is not responsible for you. Some people with mental health issues appear to think that everyone else is fine, no worries and no anxiety and this is rarely true

Sympathy, OP, but a walking club, unless they specified very short, easy walks suitable for the unfit or complete beginners, would usually be walking ten or fifteen miles on hilly terrain. Probably more on a weekend away. The ones local to me ask new members to try out for two walks to see if they can keep up with the group. One person stayed with you, which is what I’d expect, unless there was a ‘slow group’ with a leader to stay with it.

I’d take gentle solo walk to rebuild my fitness first.

If your message to her isn't read, she probably has no network at all. She will be in touch later.

There was no formal plans on walks, it was said that everyone could do what they felt comfortable with.
I'm absolutely fine walking 3/4 miles on the flat. I didn't know it would be hill climbing.

It was a walking group it was organised through but it wasn't a holiday just about walking, we were planning some wild swimming and crafting things too, a general fun and relaxing weekend for a group of women.

No we didn't car share.

Ok I get it, perhaps I'm wrong in feeling miffed, I will wait for her to reply to my message when she has signal and go from there.

Good point
I've been at an event mostly sitting/standing all day and yet my fitness tracker is saying I've done over 4 miles even doing that...
So a 1 mile walk which includes a hill seems unlikely