AIBU to expect my friend to have checked on me?

[WalkingDisaster1]

Name changed cos this is outing.

I’ve been away this weekend with a group of 10 strangers in a national women’s walking group.
It was all women except for my friend of 15 years.

I’m a larger woman and we planned to go for a walk as a group, it was meant to be 1 mile which was absolutely fine by me.
What I didn’t expect was the hill, it was more like mountain climbing.
I got out of breath quickly and the rest of the group except 1 woman charged on ahead.
I had a panic attack, the worst I’ve had in years. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to go back. I told the woman I was with and thanked her for staying with me, she went off to the group and I walked back.

The group leader had the accommodation key and had to send someone who was a runner back with it for me.

They suggested I drove to meet them and I did but they were nowhere to be found and there was no internet nor phone signal so I went back to the accommodation, put the key in the key safe and left.

I sent the group a WhatsApp message saying I couldn’t find them so I’d put the key in the safe and was going home. I’d planned to go home early evening anyway (I have young kids) when they were staying a second night so I just left a few hours earlier.

Now to the point… my friend didn’t come back to check on me and it’s been 8 hours and I’ve not heard from her at all. I know signal isn’t great around there but other people managed.

I would never have done that, if I knew my friend was struggling (especially knowing their mental health struggles) then walk be damned, I’d have been back there to check on them.

Aibu to have expected more of her?

I see both sides- I wouldn’t lose a friendship over this

Hope you can talk with your friend OP and get back on track. Ignore some of the harsher replies on here if you can, and try not to let this experience set you back. You tried, it didn’t work out, but you tried is the point. Wishing you good onward recovery

OMG forgot to say the thing I actually wanted to share - I've been in really similar situation myself - trip with uni friends, travelled for miles for a particular walk, all a bit of a faff as none of us drove. Unexpectedly, it involved sort of hopping over stones to cross a river, and I just couldn't do it! I just couldn't trust myself, my legs went to full on jelly. I was so embarrassed and upset at it all, felt like I was making a massive fuss being an idiot. I had to stay at that point and wait 3 hours for them to come back - I realise now years later all that happened was it was a shame I missed out but nobody was making any judgments etc., and we're all still the firmest of friends :)

good for you op. I just wanted to say I’m pretty impressed. You tried something, it didn’t work out and you’re going to have a go at something slightly different. I’m sorry that you had a panic attack, but overall you sound very resilient to me. And btw, the hill thing makes total sense, not sure what pp are on about with that.
glad you sorted things with your friend.

I would imagine she was very busy and also had bad signal so didn’t bother to check her phone.

You left so that was that?

I feel for you OP. A few years ago I went on a yoga weekend. We were told that there would be a few short walks. The one mile walk Turned out to be very very steep all the way and I hate climbing hills) . I felt angry and upset that I was pushed into something I wasn’t expecting and felt ashamed on a well being trip. I felt really tearful .

Don’t think your friend did anything very wrong. You are just feeling upset and angry and over reacting

This is a great post

Imo YANBU. I would have checked on you.

She could be embarrassed by what happened to you on a one mile walk, she might be enjoying her weekend and will check on you later there's 100s of scenarios where she isn't the A

Well she knows your fine because you texted the group and she's probably trying to enjoy herself. And it sounds like a big deal over nothing, sorry.

Is it possible she thinks your panic attack was a cover for /caused by you not being able to do the walk because of your weight and she doesn't want to embarrass you and rather than her not caring, she doesn't want to inadvertently say something she thinks might upset you?

Don't let it put you off.

Yes a mile is short and most people can manage a hill. But it's hot and at a pace you aren't used to and it's good you at least tried.

Use it as inspiration to improve rather than never try again.

Did you enjoy the time away otherwise? Try and look at the positives you took from it.

OP, kindly, this holiday wasn’t for you. Your friend knew you were okay

Well it sounds like the group made efforts to see that you were ok. The fact that you let them know you were leaving and had driven to try to find them, plus were well enough to drive home may have sent a message to your friend that you were ok.

Sorry,and I really hope you are feeling better now,but you are being dramatic a bit.I'm sure you'll hear from her soon then feel daft for having posted about this on social media.
It is outing and I doubt your nc will disguise you.

Some very harsh replies on this thread, especially since OP said she's struggled with anxiety and depression. She was trying to do something to help herself and it didn't work out. She'll be feeling bad enough without people putting the boot in.

I was on a city break with a group of friends when one of the group fell and really hurt her knee. Apart from me, the rest of the group marched on regardless which I thought was really mean.

I was always taught that when you're out in a group you walk at the place of the slowest. Not just take off and leave someone behind.

I think you'd be better off doing some walks with just your friend or some easy walks on your own on the flat.
I hike long-distance trails of hundreds of kilometres, carrying full kit and food and sleeping out in a tent for up to 3 weeks at a time. I also do a lot of ascent and descent.
BUT I absolutely cannot cope with anything in a group. I feel like the pacing isn't right and because I haven't got complete control over where we are going, when we stop and so on, I just completely lose the plot and get really stressed. So I just don't do it any more!

I'm finding this very difficult to believe. You wouldn't walk a mile, have a picnic lunch and then walk 15 miles in the afternoon. 15 miles would be a day's walking and most experienced walkers prefer an early start. And I can't imagine anyone goes on a walking holiday expecting everything to be on the flat. There are always going to be hills.

I'm sorry people are being a bit mean about not managing the hill OP. I'm overweight but enjoy walking, and there are hills, and there are hills. I've found myself on a couple that were going up escarpments, and thought there was every possibility I'd have a heart attack, I was gasping for breath (and getting chest pains on one of them). Like 45 degrees steepness at points, for quite prolonged stretches, 300 metres gain in height, and I'm not in a famously hilly area.. One was my own fault, but one was on a walking group's advertised 'beginners walk', which pissed me off no end.

My sympathies with the OP. Similar thing has happened to me, joining in a walk that was mostly up the side of a mountain, finding it exhausting and having to turn back halfway.
It wasn't a very long walk at all in terms of distance, but such uphill hiking over boulders and debris can take ages and I was waiting for hours for the others to return.

Group walking is always going to be at the pace of the majority. While the idea of 'no man left behind' is a very worthy one, realistically a group made up of women who don't know one another shouldn't be expected to reduce their pace to fit the slowest. It sounds like other women were kind and made sure the OP was ok. That's really the most she should expect.

I agree with @GoldfincTart that starting the day with a 1 mile very step walk and then having lunch sounds v unlikely. Even if you crawled on your hands and knees a mile wouldn't take more than an hour.
Bit early for lunch

Threads like this make me think Mumsnet is one of the least nice places on the internet, and there's some fucking strong competition. Noone asked your bitchy little opinions on the walk or its length or the appropriateness of the OP being there.

Well done for giving something a go, OP. I'm sure your friend is just enjoying her weekend and replying slipped her mind. We're all guilty of this, sometimes it feels like every third message I send starts 'sorry I didn't reply sooner...'

I think posting on MN to see if you're being reasonable can be a good reality check when you get caught in your head, but posting in AIBU isn't necessarily a great idea. Relationship forum is usually a more supportive option. Panic attacks are horrible to go through. I think this weekend was a bit ambitious, too much at once, it's understandable after that long time, you just want things to change, charge in, hope it works. Keep trying, just make it something a bit more realistic next time.

There's very rarely any support or sympathy on these AIBU threads but I agree with you OP, it would be nice if your friend had checked in with you but if she hasn't read your message then I'm guessing it's because of the poor signal. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet.

I know how shit panic attacks are, I've had a couple and they can be pretty terrifying. Hope you're OK now OP.

Hmm you posted in the group so she knew you were ok...so...what is the issue here?

Sorry OP but I think this is OTT and wouldn't expect special treatment if I weren't up for a 1 mile walk. Please don't fall out with your friend over something this tiny, there is wayyyy more to life.