AIBU to expect my friend to have checked on me?

[WalkingDisaster1]

Name changed cos this is outing.

I’ve been away this weekend with a group of 10 strangers in a national women’s walking group.
It was all women except for my friend of 15 years.

I’m a larger woman and we planned to go for a walk as a group, it was meant to be 1 mile which was absolutely fine by me.
What I didn’t expect was the hill, it was more like mountain climbing.
I got out of breath quickly and the rest of the group except 1 woman charged on ahead.
I had a panic attack, the worst I’ve had in years. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to go back. I told the woman I was with and thanked her for staying with me, she went off to the group and I walked back.

The group leader had the accommodation key and had to send someone who was a runner back with it for me.

They suggested I drove to meet them and I did but they were nowhere to be found and there was no internet nor phone signal so I went back to the accommodation, put the key in the key safe and left.

I sent the group a WhatsApp message saying I couldn’t find them so I’d put the key in the safe and was going home. I’d planned to go home early evening anyway (I have young kids) when they were staying a second night so I just left a few hours earlier.

Now to the point… my friend didn’t come back to check on me and it’s been 8 hours and I’ve not heard from her at all. I know signal isn’t great around there but other people managed.

I would never have done that, if I knew my friend was struggling (especially knowing their mental health struggles) then walk be damned, I’d have been back there to check on them.

Aibu to have expected more of her?

I thought oh this would be a good start to recovering

I'm a big lady and over 60. I do a "parkwalk" (most people run it) every Saturday. That's about 3 miles. My best time so far has been 43 minutes. I'm quite proud of that although my daughter runs it in about 27/30 mins.

It's taken me 12 months to achieve this startling speed of 43 mins. Was well over an hour to start with. And the tailwalkers had to chivvy me along. Mortifying, but they were very nice to me. There were people very obviously heavier than me (but maybe younger) making much better time! And this is on a seafront where it is totally and completely and utterly flat.

If this was on a hill I'd be fucked after 10 minutes and I'd chuck in the towel.
Not surprised that on a first attempt you were overwhelmed with the effort.
Not really a good start to recovering, to overchallenge yourself. You've made the first effort. It'd be great to continue, now you know your limitations. You can gradually work up your fitness from that.

Your friend knew you were ok, and she knew that you weren't staying another night anyway. No reason really for her to get in contact. Maybe doesn't want to make a mountain out of a molehill. My advice is to get out on your own walking for a bit and work on your stamina (says she who can't walk 10 minutes uphill!!)
Just walk 3 miles, if you can find the time, every day. And then you have a head start. And if you can't manage three miles just do one, then two and work up to three.
It really does work.

There's really no shame in not being able to keep up. Give it 12 months of commitment and you will be doing way better. To attempt a walk you cannot manage is not a good start to recovering. You are going to get out of breath and your body will fail you. Panic attacks are also shit and don't help.
It takes a little bit of commitment ( unless you are a lean 18 year old) to stride uphill and down. But please don't fall at the first fence. Persevere.

A year ago I couldn't walk a mile without getting out of breath.
Now I can walk 8/10 miles and feel the benefit. Still preferably not uphill though.

Don't be hard on your friend. She has no idea.

A women's national walking group and you only walked a mile??
The other walkers are probably used walking and go at a fast pace, and having to walk slowly is a pain for them -

Lesson learned.

I'm finding this very difficult to believe. You wouldn't walk a mile, have a picnic lunch and then walk 15 miles in the afternoon. 15 miles would be a day's walking and most experienced walkers prefer an early start

Agree. A 15 mile walk would start at 8.30am latest. And have lunch sitting on a log somewhere around 8 miles in.

I kind of agree with @whitebreadjamsandwich . It was a walking group, and the group planned a one mile walk. Now unless it's a group for the disabled or elderly I think it would be reasonable to assume they'd be more to the walk than a flat one mile.
You're expecting people to ask after you and give you their attention, yet you say there was no drama. If there wasn't, why do you need attention?

I can understand you not wanting to complete the walk, but to then jack off the whole weekend because of it when they had all been so kind to you especially the poor runner who had to do the climb twice because of you, is just plain rude

I think you had unrealistic ideas of what a walk entails. The very fact that you say you can walk 3/4 miles on the flat is telling.
Don't get yourself worked up waiting for your friend's text so you can analyse her response. Let it go.
Don't look at this as a failure. You had a go. Tbh many people would be apprehensive about spending a weekend away with a bunch of friends let alone strangers. Factor in that you have poor mental health and were embarrassed in front of them, it's no wonder you panicked. You sure did set the bar high. Try a few smaller smart goals, concentrating on what's realisticly achievable snd get a few wins under your belt before you tackle another huge task. Who knows, maybe this time next year you could be running your own Walk yourself well group for those with poor mental health.

A panic attack is a recognised NHS condition. It’s not ‘drama’ so you might want to brush up on your definitions.

And don’t be so bloody patronising.

OP, people who don't get panic attacks don't 'get' panic attacks. Like essentially they're nothing, they won't kill you, they're just in your head (and the awful physical symptoms etc) but if you haven't had them, you may well struggle to understand them. Your mates might fall into that category, not bad but just not knowing.

Lol! I had a terrible one in a soft play, i happened to be stuck up on the top level of it and the only way down was the slide. And i just couldn't force myself down the (tiny tunnel) slide. It was comical but terrifying at the time. On the medicine since!

This. Concentrate on improving your physical health and your mental health should also improve.

I think it would have been fair for the organisers to warn everyone that there was a steep hill included in the first leg of the walk. I can walk for miles at quite a fast pace but find inclines disproportionately difficult. It's just the way I am built in comparison to others. So I don't think YABU for that at all op; I think you were brave to go!

Having said that, I think your friend may not have had a signal or was tied up with second day's activities. So I think you were a little unreasonable to blame her for not texting in those circumstances. Since you have spoken, did she offer an explanation as to why she took so long? (Obviously you don't have to answer that!)

Well done op for trying! Please change your NN to WalkingAgain! 😃

I can’t get over the fixation on the day’s itinerary that some people have. The OP is asking for advice, after having a tough time.

Just because it’s not how some of you would have planned the day, doesn’t mean that wasn’t what the happened, or that the post is not genuine.

Of course, it’s entirely possible the OP has changed some details to avoid outing herself, but there are a range of other scenarios too.

It really doesn’t take much thinking to consider other possibilities

1. Some people in the group set off in early the morning, and then they met with the rest of group in a village or a location with a car park before beginning the 1 mile hike collectively.

2. As it was an activity/ walking weekend, the group did something else in the morning and then set off later in the day - quite a relaxed type of situation. OP may well even have picked something up wrong and there has been a misunderstanding about the distances others intended to walk.

3. The hike to the picnic bench may have been to a viewpoint, and then back down again. There was then an option of taking a 5 mile or 15 mile route in the area. 15 miles on a flat enough terrain could actually be possible in the afternoon in the summer.

4. Although this was a group, these individuals weren’t actually very experienced/ dedicated walkers, or it was an informal set up like glamoracks. They planned the day poorly.

5. Who cares? OP had been asking if she was unreasonable to have expected her friend to check in on her.

Also this. I too mean this kindly, as someone who has also suffered with anxiety and depression and is on permanent medication, but it seems that your mental health problems have led to expectations that are a bit out of kilter with reality if your physical health is so poor. I have always been fairly fit, but joining a gym and doing some form of group exercise five days a week has really improved my mental health as well as giving me confidence in my own physical ability. I would strongly recommend upping your activity levels and eating healthily. You can do it!

Perhaps look for another hobby until you have the maturity to deal with small challenges without requiring other adults to "check in on you".

Whilst I have sympathy with OP because she obviously has found the whole thing a bit traumatic, I sort of agree with this. OP did not collapse and was not whisked off in an ambulance. She couldn't make it up the hill so a runner brought her the key to her room, and then she drove home to her husband and kids. All pretty unremarkable. OP had a panic attack about it all.

OP needs to be made aware that many people experience panic attacks.
We learn to tolerate them and get through them.

I sometimes shake my head in wonder at this new generation of youngsters, I'm almost in my seventies., so they are in their thirties., imagine that their problems and worries are anything new, or anything worse, than anything that's gone before. Imagine that you have no electricity at all for 8 hour periods throughout the day and night, for months on end. How would today's adults/children cope with that?

I can tell you it was a real challenge. No electricity, no street lights, no cooker, no telly, no radio, no old fashioned electric fire heating, no nothing. Totally no power supply to the house, whatsoever. We dealt with it because we had to.
The government gave us advance warning, They announced it in the local newspaper because that was the only way to do it. There was no internet. No whatsapp. No messaging. Not everybody even had a landline. so we had to guess if we had to prepare sandwiches for tea those nights. And be cold.

Ridiculously, it was fine. We made it be fun. We had candles to be lit, and we played board games in candlelight, my two brothers and me. They were several years older than me. Me 8 and them 16 and 17. But they were lovely with me.
They were so lovely and kind, yet they would also argue stuff with me

Nowadays I believe that younger people would be beside themselves to have their electricity withdrawn for any time at all, in a way that would not have been the case in the 70s, Imagine the frustration if your desktop computer won't work..

Jfc the replies on here are disgraceful. The OP is recovering (you rarely recover) from severe anxiety and depression, and has been away with a bunch of strangers, good on you OP for going.

The friend doesn't get in touch till much later after the panic attack, which leaves the OP probably worrying if she's upset her friend, can nobody see this? How are her feelings unreasonable?

And to all those who've used the words 'drama' and 'dramatic' to somebody who has/is suffered/suffering anxiety and depression, hang your bloody heads in shame..

Well said @Breakingpoint1961. Well said. Good on you OP for giving it a go, and please don't let this put you off from doing things in the future. Your friend is obviously busy and knows you're OK so that's why they haven't checked up on you. I doubt they are annoyed, but if they are then they'll get over it. These things happen. Get back on that (figurative) horse 😀

If you have suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time, then your friend has probably had to put up with a lot over the years. It's not a criticism and it's not your fault, but mental health issues are selfish and it is difficult to support friends who are living with them at times.

And here your friend is also trying to enjoy a fun weekend, a little break, and again feeling as if she needs to support you.

It is an odd choice to go on a walking holiday if a mile of walking is beyond you. Then instead of just turning back with the key, you experience a panic attack and someone needs to run back with you. Again, not your fault but I can also sympathise with your friend.

You drive to meet them at the picnic point but can't find them so go home. I can see how at that point your friend can relax, knowing you are ok and she no longer needs to feel responsible, and begin to enjoy the trip.

Glad you've spoken to her anyway and all sorted. Maybe worth considering her mental health too.

You posted in the group so she knew you were okay, why would she then have to 'check up on you' again?

This generation has had to cope with being shut in the house 23 hours a day for months at a stretch, an unknown killer disease outside. Most managed just fine.

The 'snowflake' narrative is boring.

Every generation had that experience though fraggle.

They did but I genuinely think it was harder for younger people who would be expecting to be out a lot more, would be spending lots of time with their peer group, who have acquired fewer indoor hobbies, who've had less chance to build up mental resilience, who had to do exams or course work that would affect their future with less than optimal teaching.

Friend knew you ok due to your what's app. One mile is 15-20 mins so very little. After a runner made the effort to get that the key to you and that lady waiting with you up left. I hope the group finds the key. I think your behaviour hasn't been the best. Also remember phone signal hence my worry the group might have to sleep outside as they can't find the key... yabu. I'd apologize to your poor friend

Some people on here must have no friends, the nastiness has been pathetic and ridiculous.
Get some education around mental health.

Speaking from personal experience of supporting numerous people with MH issues - I find that many MH issues by their very nature render the person they’re affecting to be self centered. This is not a criticism, it’s the nature of the beast sadly!

People with MH issues have very little capacity to see things from other people’s POV. Of all the people I supported I don’t think anyone ever asked if I was OK even when I was having hard times myself, and I did get to points where I also had nothing left in the tank and allowed myself to be annoyed with my loved one’s selfishness.

My point is that maybe she wants a break from your MH issues and is annoyed that you essentially flaked on a weekend away and left her with a bunch of strangers. Why don’t you message her apologising and asking if she’s OK?