AIBU to expect my friend to have checked on me?

[WalkingDisaster1]

Name changed cos this is outing.

I’ve been away this weekend with a group of 10 strangers in a national women’s walking group.
It was all women except for my friend of 15 years.

I’m a larger woman and we planned to go for a walk as a group, it was meant to be 1 mile which was absolutely fine by me.
What I didn’t expect was the hill, it was more like mountain climbing.
I got out of breath quickly and the rest of the group except 1 woman charged on ahead.
I had a panic attack, the worst I’ve had in years. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to go back. I told the woman I was with and thanked her for staying with me, she went off to the group and I walked back.

The group leader had the accommodation key and had to send someone who was a runner back with it for me.

They suggested I drove to meet them and I did but they were nowhere to be found and there was no internet nor phone signal so I went back to the accommodation, put the key in the key safe and left.

I sent the group a WhatsApp message saying I couldn’t find them so I’d put the key in the safe and was going home. I’d planned to go home early evening anyway (I have young kids) when they were staying a second night so I just left a few hours earlier.

Now to the point… my friend didn’t come back to check on me and it’s been 8 hours and I’ve not heard from her at all. I know signal isn’t great around there but other people managed.

I would never have done that, if I knew my friend was struggling (especially knowing their mental health struggles) then walk be damned, I’d have been back there to check on them.

Aibu to have expected more of her?

Agreed.

You can build up to it over time.

It's like going on a ski weekend when you can't ski. I suppose you can hang out, but you're not going to be able to take part in the main reason for the trip.

Mate I used to have a panic attack going to the corner of my street so don’t let anybody here tell you how silly and dramatic you are.

i also think good on you for trying!

i do, however, think you were being unreasonable about your friend not texting straight away. In a Situation like this i wouldnt have even checked my phone at all until later in the evening and I presume she was the same, just enjoying life. I’m glad you’ve spoken to her now though and all is sorted

Glad to hear you've had a nice chat with your friend.
I don't know if this helps but I find it helpful to put the kindest interpretation on my friends' actions until I know otherwise.

In this case I'd assume they knew from the group message that you were fine. Believed in you as a capable adult and felt it didn't necessitate further checking and would be in touch eventually when they weren't involved in a group social activity.

Agree with this (sorry!)

I think since the person that waiting with you said you were ok, the person running back with the key knew you were ok, and you also messaged the group chat, she probably assumed you were ok and it wasn't a big deal.

She also possibly went on the longer walk and didn't have signal or wasn't looking at her phone. I think you were probably overthinking it.

Agree with all of this. YABVU.

Have just reread op as felt guilty. @WalkingDisaster1 you went straight home from the 1 mile disaster, but your friend was staying another night and your issue is she didn't come and see you? Surely you aren't meaning she should have left the holiday too?

Never post about mental health or anything remotely sensitive on AIBU, @WalkingDisaster1. There are people just waiting to have a go at anyone, whatever the situation.

Hey op, just wanted to say, as you mentioned you hoped this would be a good place to start on your recovery, that even though this particular trip didn’t work out it’s great that you took a leap and maybe if you start a bit smaller on your next activity you will feel a bit more confident. Don’t give up. Remember that overcoming anxiety is all about exposure to the situations that freak us out and each time it gets easier. Good luck.

I learned ages ago, @WalkingDisaster1 not to expect anything from anyone.
When you do, you’re consistently let down.
When you don’t, you never are.

we were planning some wild swimming and crafting things too, a general fun and relaxing weekend for a group of women.

OP please do not attempt wild swimming if you found walking up a steep hill that challenging, and you're prone to panic attacks.

Should you get into similar trouble in the water, it could be very very dangerous.

OP well done for going on a holiday with the group, I have been on holidays with strangers and it’s not an easy thing to do so I think you should give yourself credit for that.

Don’t think too much about what happened with your friend, I think you are overthinking it!

I've read the OP a couple of times and I think you abandoned your friend so shouldn't be waiting for her to check on you.

Re: the mile thing. Were you walking up Dunkery Beacon or similar? Can think of a few Beacon walks I've done that are nothing like the gentle 15 minute trot I do to work 1 mile away so I do relate.

Hmmm. I would have been vastly more concerned about how I had worried people, taken the edge off what should have been a nice experience for them, and been perceived as needy.
I absolutely would not then be indignantly wondering why sympathy was not forthcoming.
Sorry, OP - I’ve been in situations like yours before and just felt awful, but for the people who were stuck with me, not myself!

I think they probably thought you were being a bit of a madam.

You couldn't keep up on a walking holiday. They sent someone so you weren't stuck waiting, they said to come and meet them. They likely got delayed and so you went home in a strop.

I know to you it was a horrid experience because of the panic attack.. but to them they likely didn't really understand why you seemed to storm home.

Do you always blame others for your own abilities and happiness? I can't see how this is anyone's doing apart from your own.

I suffer with anxiety myself and at times it has been really bad, so I sympathise.

However being the friend of someone with anxiety really isnt easy either, especially when there always seems to be a issue or drama on a day/night out, or trip away etc (I'm speaking from my experience)

It sucks but she deserves to enjoy her weekend. She knows you're safe

I'm a very good swimmer, formerly semi-pro so even with less than good fitness, swimming is still something I really know a lot about.

And people keep saying I can't manage 1 mile walk. I CAN!!!
It's the bloody hill and when I say hill, I mean seriously steep, rocky and quite frankly everyone else have said they struggled with it too.

Thank-you to the genuinely kind people who commented, seems to be few and far between. I've accepted I was too quick to judge and have since talked to my friend. We're planning to go somewhere similar but with a different kind of agenda next time.

OP you done really well to attend the group. Don't beat yourself up about what happened.

Lot of people putting the boot in here, OP. I'm very sorry that you're being sneered at like this. It sounded like a shit experience and that you were suddenly mortified and overwhelmed when you realised how steep and tough the terrain was. Sounds like your pal was assured you were OK by the others and cracked on with the walk. Don't lose spirit- I hope you get away to try nice new things again soon xx

Of course she should have checked on you. She’s your friend. Not that nice of one I’m afraid.

I think you just picked the wrong group to go away with? Had you practiced any walking (with or without them) before deciding to go away for a weekend? It was a bit of an unusual move if not.

Im sorry you had a panic attack. Don’t give up. Keep walking. Maybe next year you will be more prepared. All the best.

I realise this thread is running towards the end now but just to say, OP, I think you've realised in the 'middle of it', one of the biggest things that happens with depression/anxiety/panic etc is it becomes 'me centred'. Like your panic attack worrying about other people's thoughts - none of them would have really cared in the slighted - and I mean that in a nice way! You (anyone - me!) can't help it, but usually other people's experience of the situation is just really different, so your friend wasn't wrong in not checking in because it wasn't really a big thing for them or anyone else in the group, and you had said what you were doing. I totally get how hard it is at the time to see that perspective though, so I'm really glad you've been in touch and it hasn't all snowballed!

Anyway- point of my post - congrats on giving this a go, a holiday with a group of strangers would be anxiety-inducing for lots of people - me included! Onwards and upwards, just getting there was a great step in being able to do things you can enjoy again :)

OP were you maybe freaked out by the steepness?
I'm fit and go hillwalking but I panic badly if I wind up somewhere with too much exposure and I've been in that situation in the past when some dickhead lied about the route.